You’ve fallen in love, and you’ve fallen hard. She is the first thing you think of in the morning and your last thought at night.
Just the sound of her name is enough to make you smile, and her voice is like music.
Okay, maybe I’m getting a little carried away. Suffice it to say that you’ve got a big thing for her, and you two would be perfect together. There’s only one thing stopping you…
She just wants to be friends.
You’ve passed what some would call the “point of no return.” You want to be more than friends, but she sees you as more of a brother than a lover. The thought alone hurts, but take heart, because you’re not the only guy to be found in this situation.
I won’t lie: Turning a friend into a girlfriend is somewhat of a challenge.
She’s gotten to know you, and views you in a certain light. In order to become romantic, you have to change the way she sees you. In other words, you have to tap into the emotional side of her brain that screams, “I want him!”
The following are things you can do to make that happen. These methods aren’t fool proof, but if you want to take your friendship to the next level, they’re your only shot.
Here’s what you should do, from start to finish:
1. Don’t pour your heart out to her.
Most guys who have feelings for a friend are too hesitant to express their feelings, so odds are you haven’t done so yet. If you do pour your heart out to her, you’ll immediately make the dynamics of your relationship awkward. She’ll start acting weird, won’t call you as much, and create a distance. In short, just don’t go there.
So what do you do if you’ve already worn your heart on your sleeve? Work your hardest at acting casual, as though you really only have friendly feelings towards her. Don’t call as much, don’t give her longing stares, and remain laid back. You should also focus on the following two tips.
2. Stop letting her walk all over you.
When a guy has a crush on his friend, he’ll do anything to please her. He generally acts out the role of a boyfriend by taking her out, paying her way, and listening to her on the phone, with one major difference…he gets nothing out of it. Things get really bad when she uses you to discuss her “boy problems.” It doesn’t feel fair, because it isn’t.
It’s time for you to draw the line, but do so in a nice way. When she calls, don’t pick up, and call her back in a few hours. If she wants to go out, tell her you’ve got other plans. In fact, it’s not a bad idea to let her know in advance that you’ll be busy over the next couple of months. Suddenly, you’ve gone from being taken for granted to being a novelty.
A lot of guys have trouble initiating this step. They feel they’re being selfish or cruel, but I beg to differ. First, women aren’t that blind. She probably knows you have certain affections for her, yet she continues to use you for personal means. To me, that sounds cruel. Second, you must understand that women are drawn to men who have busy lifestyles. If she has to work for your attention, she’ll appreciate it all the more once she has it.
3. Date around.
The heart always wants what it cannot have, and this is certainly true for women. With that being said, get out there and flirt! Allow her to see you chatting with other females, and if a girl is attractive to you, ask her out. Just because your friend is all you ever think of does not mean you shouldn’t experience other women.
As soon as she sees you giving your affection to girls other than her, she’ll notice. Let her witness your sexual appeal to the opposite sex, and know that it’s triggering her mind to see you in a new light. She may or may not come around and act jealous, but believe me…she is.
4. Touch her.
Once you’ve gotten a life and shown her your desirability to other women, it’s time to start injecting some physical contact into your relationship.
I know you’re dying to kiss her, but hold off on the heavy stuff for now. Remember that you’re still just her friend, and touch her accordingly. Give her a hug, play-punch her, or place your hand on the small of her back while walking through a crowd. Make each move appear as though you’re barely thinking about it.
It’s essential to touch her if you ever want a romance with her. Consider it a baby step towards intimacy. She needs to grow used to the idea of your hands on her.
5. Make her meet your standards.
For years, you’ve agreed with everything she’s said. You’ve laughed at her jokes, and gone along with her opinions for the sake of impressing her. Take that idea, and switch it around now.
Women are naturally drawn to men who are confident and in charge. Know your own opinions and values, and don’t back down from them. When you stand your ground on any topic, you’re showing everyone around you that you’re secure in your own skin. Don’t back down, even if it means pleasing another person.
When it comes to your friend, let her know what you’re looking for in a potential mate. Elaborate by commenting on how difficult it is to find those qualities you seek. She’ll undoubtedly throw in her two cents, revealing what she likes in a guy, and the conversation will unfold from there.
As you listen, you’ll probably hear her unconsciously qualify herself for you. All of the traits you listed will suddenly be what she has to offer. While she may not realize it at the time, the seed has been planted in her mind, and she’ll likely think about how good you two are for each other.
6. Let’s talk about sex.
The main reason why she just wants to be friends is that she doesn’t see you sexually. You need to change this, and a surefire way to do so is to have discussions about sex.
Don’t be a pig about it, but fit it in where you can. Sexual jokes or innocent flirting usually go over well. You can also take things to the next level by telling her about a bad sexual experience you recently had. Not only does this make you a potential lover in her eyes, but it also clues her into the fact that other women are attracted to you.
She used to think of you like a brother, but she wouldn’t talk about sex with her brother, right? That’s the whole idea.
7. More about Sex.
I want to elaborate more on talking with your friend about a sexual experience.
Since you and this girl are “just friends,” you should feel free to tell her about your sexual escapades. Pick one girl in particular, and tell your friend how amazing the sex was. Continue to say that you and this girl were friends before growing intimate, and that’s why you think the sex was top-notch.
Your friend may nod her head, or not appear immediately intrigued, but she is. She’s seeing you in a whole new light. Not only can you be a friend, but you can also be a lover…and a great one at that!
8. Create sexual tension.
The problem you’re having now with your friend is that there’s no mystery. She knows that she can have you if she wants you. There’s not a question in her mind about it.
After you’ve made her see you in a sexual light, you have to pull back. It’s all about give and take. Call and ask her to go out one night, and then disappear for a few days. Shower her with attention, and then give it away to other women.
Give her a taste of what it’s like to be intimate with you, and make her want more.
Since you’ve made it this far in your plan, you can now become more intense with your flirting. Don’t overdo it though; just flatter her. You can mix a sexual innuendo with a joke. For instance, compliment her on her appearance, and tell her she’s “gonna be in trouble if you stare at her too long.”
This is an innocent way of indicating your attraction to her, but at the same time, you’re not pining over her either.
9. Go for it.
By this point, you’ve done all you can do to change the way she views you. You’ve made yourself a novelty, touched her, flirted with other women, and more. So what’s next?
It’s time to go for it.
Try hugging her, but stop and gaze into her eyes. If she holds your gaze, give her a kiss. If she doesn’t hold your gaze, you might want to hold off a little longer, or give in all together.
Don’t think about the kiss…just do it. If you think about it too long, you’ll either chicken our, or act too nervous in the process. Whatever happens afterwards will unfold naturally. At some point, however, you’ve got to see if your hard work was worth it.
Author Credit:
Steve Scott was a shy stuttering nerd who figured out how to flirt with women. The conversation he has learned to have not only creates attraction in women, but also demonstrates the characteristics of an Alpha Male which women can not resist.
You can pick up Flirt Mastery by following the link or you can download his free incredible report:
-
Steve Scott – Author of Flirt Mastery
The complete Flirt Mastery system contains FIVE books in PDF, downloadable format. This includes the following:
- Flirt Mastery- Our core product which is 283 pages in length (Around 50,000 words). This guide covers ALL conversation tactics and teaches men the secrets to flirting with women in ANY situation.
- 24 Traits of the Superior Alpha Male- which is 25,000 words in length. This guide covers the 24 character traits that’s universally desired by women. Furthermore, this ebook gives a SPECIFIC exercise for each characteristic that a guy can use to develop in his personal life.
- Phone Flirting: The Secret to Amazing Phone Conversations With Women- which is 12,000 words in length. This book dissects the winning recipe behind successful phone conversations and gives an insider look at how to turn phone numbers into successful, ‘in-person’ encounters.
- Texting Tactics: How to Amplify Sexual Attraction Through Text Messaging- which is almost 5,000 words in length. Used in the right way, ‘texting’ women is THE best way to quickly amplify the flirting and sexual tension with a girl you’ve just met.
- Flirt Mastery ‘Quick Start’ Guide- This book gives customers a quick way to get started with the material that’s covered in my course. After reading through the main guide, guys can use this guide to quickly get started!
Visit Flirt Mastery for more information.
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33 Rules for Mastering Your Success with Women “Being attractive to women is NOT about saying a few lines and hoping for the best. Instead, it involves demonstrating the core personality traits which attract all women. One of the most important characteristics you need to display is the principle of higher status. “
My Opinion:
I’m under the impression this article has been reworked several times due to PLR marketing. However it is my own opinion this is one of the best step by step guides to getting out of the friend zone.
It’s clear, concise, and short enough to get anyone, man or woman, started in the right direction.
But let me make one thing clear…
I will always advise avoiding the friend zone in the future, rather than burning energy trying to get out of it. The experience of learning how to attract and the skills needed will benefit you for the rest of your life. They go beyond attraction and in turn create better relationships and a well balanced complete life.
This article even proves it by giving insight in how to attract beyond the scope of one person.
I say consider these 9 steps your first chapter in staying out of the friend and start performing these with everyone you are attracted enough to want to see again. The next chapter is yours to figure out where the book will go. Everyone will have their own directions and their own personal hurdles to overcome.
If you’re determined to get yourself out of the friends zone then I suggest you begin by looking at my exclusive page first-
How To Escape the Friends Zone, and then sign up to my free Escape the Friends Zone Newsletter which is all about getting guys out of the friends zone – forever.
Peter White
Thanks for stopping by and giving me the opportunity to teach you about attraction. Your comments and opinions are always appreciated.
Follow me through my failures and triumphs because I feel confident enough to teach anyone willing to learn – how to attract quality relationships into your life.
Pick One for More Great Advice:
(Yes. I’m a busy man and run bth of them personally.)
- Attraction 101 -Learn How to Become a More Attractive Person- A very new site. Only a few posts so far. I will do my best to use on original content which is simple to understand.
- DiaLteG tm – A Nice Guy’s Approach to Attraction – Hundreds and hundreds of totally unique content written by me from my experiences in the world of attraction.
- Escaping the Friends Zone – A preview into my upcoming Ebook.
- My Nice Guy’s Approach – More of what you read here sent right to your email.
- The Real Truth About Men – Honest upfront facts about men for women who are sick of trying to read men.
Slightly Related Posts:
- How to Get a Girlfriend – Seven Tips You Can Use Now
- Simon Says – How To Turn A Friend Into A Lover
- How to Get a Girlfriend – The 4 Core “Seduction” Skills
- The Secret To Turning Your Friend…Into A Girlfriend
- Are You Doing What It Takes, To Turn Your Woman Friend, Into A Girlfriend?
- What Women HATE Most About Single Guys
Photo Credit:
Image: Rosemary Ratcliff / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
mike says:
Hi, I have done all these steps and she doesn’t see me as a brother but is scared of losing me, we do cuddle all time hug alot im always touching her and vice versa, when I cut contact she messages me begging for me to see her, we sleep together without sex aswel as have baths together, she knows I love her dearly because she is my closest friend and gets really jealous if I go with other women – at first she asks me for all the details I tell her and she gets very mardy and has cried over it on 1 occasion, we talk about sex and she tells me how she looks down below and knows I am a pretty hung guy too, she always wants to see me and always tries to get me naked and see my body as Im a weight lifter and I make her hot, Im good looking too She is insecure about how women look at me and openly flirt with me and attention I do get, sounds like I’m making great progress and things are going my way right? WRONG she won’t get with me or become my lover even though she tells me she thinks about having sex with me and phones me when she is home after a night out, we have kissed and when we did she wouldn’t let me go and has told me often she loves me but then again she will not commit or go any further than being friends and she is not a ease she tells guys straight what she wants and always tells everyone about me im always her no1 topic as most her friends really fancy me but again I’m still striking out with her and said its because if we fail she loses me for good and is very happy how things are, I hate relationships but I only want a sexual friendship with her until we are both ready to commit and settle we are both mid 20′s and I can’t forget her completely as we been close for over 10 years and both seen each other in relationships and now its starting to hurt as I know she wants me but doesn’t want to take things further. She isn’t playing me either she can’t help but fall for me once we are in each others company and when she says bye to me she changes toward me and becomes a non intimate friend again. Is this a first you have ever heard about?
mike says:
Oh btw im a master at getting out of the friend zone as 90% of my lovers were great friends of mine and some exs were good friends with me for years before we got together this 1 dilemma situation is new to me and is beyond my grasp there is no way I can convert her and she is the 1 for me and she knows it, all I can do is give her time but will that help and if I move on then we are like a magnet eventually we end up back at square 1 as we both have tried to move on but can’t so what can I do now?
Pete says:
Hey Mike. No this is not the first I’ve heard about this sort of thing. Sure your situation may be unique but the overall or big picture is all too common.
A woman says she’s happy and doesn’t want to lose a guy but the guy’s not happy with the current situation.
You feel she is getting what she wants but you’re not getting what you want. In other words – She has all the power and you feel helpless to do anything about.. what appears to be your “greatest challenge” so far from a woman.
My instinct is telling me you’re not going to get anywhere with her until you gain equal or higher power/status/respect (call it what you will) in this relationship. And even at best case you might not get exactly what you want.
You need to make some serious decisions – risk it all or find a way to walk away. I can not see giving an ultimatum to her being the answer, but you must give yourself this ultimatum.
Ask yourself:
“Are you getting what you want from this (relationship)?”
“Is it fair to you to deal with her jealousy when there is no real commitment?”
“If you want THIS and she wants THAT won’t a sexual friendship ruin the relationship anyways?”
“Isn’t you wanting THIS and her wanting THAT ruining the relationship?”
“Isn’t her issues in which is probably a fear of commitment going to make a sexual friendship impossible to handle?”
I understand you’re feeling this challenge and it’s driving you crazy. How you may never know if she is “the one” unless you find a way to keep in touch.
But after being completely honest with yourself about the questions I posed – Is dealing with a commitment type of relationship where only HER needs are met physically and where there is not an actual dating commitment the answer for getting out of your particular situation?
You know the answer to this challenge is best left to meet again when you’re both at the same level of what you want. Only then will you know how to turn her into more than just a friend.
Her insecurity will only destroy a sexual friendship.
I say find a way to let her grow without you. Because when you two meet with similar attitudes, and you’re both single, you’re going to find something most people only dream about. Pure chemistry with someone you so easy get along with.
Thanks for sharing Mike and of course feel free to get back to me,
Pete
Ty says:
Very interesting stuff, I’m actually pretty good at staying out of the friend zone, but I had an interesting situation pop up. First, its interesting because this person isn’t really “a friend” we’re more like casual, I mean very casual work aquaintances…we don’t even live in the same city! I want to keep this brief, but we started talking (or txting a little more) because we went through a very similiar life experience at the same time (it involves ex spouses, let’s leave it at that).
Anyway, I’m flirtatious by nature and I’m quite sure she thinks I’m an attractive guy, she even told me. We’ve email and txt each other a little more and every now and then I get some weird ones from her. I mean, I’m not even being flirtatious and she’ll be like, “XXX, there is some many reasons why we shouldn’t go there, I think you should know, etc. etc.” The thing, I didn’t even say anything suggestive. So then, I start messing with her and do. Our conversations than take lots of turns, they’re quite amusing.
I’ll admit, I’m not into the distance thing and I’m not even sure how I truly feel about her; the only thing I do know, there is something I find attractive about her that I didn’t before, and if we lived in the same town, I’d probably pursue her. The whole work thing freaks her out a little (which I understand), but like I said, we’re in different markets with completely different jobs. I wanted to see if this was my ego or if this was a woman that did have some interest in me, whether she addmitted it or not. I’m pretty sure she knows I’ve been dating and her dating situation right now inolves a long distance rebound, which she even admitted isn’t practical
Anyway, she was in my town and I actually employed a lot the tactics you said. I was still my flirtatious self, I took the approach that it was a date, even thought it wasn’t – told her good she looked, made her blush way too many times for someone who’s just “a friend” and then I employed, which I agree is key, we got real touchy feely – legs, back, arms, neck, etc. Nothing happened after, we both had other things to do that night, but I can tell she definitely thinks I’m an attractive guy, she even said it at one point. SO she goes back home…
Our usual chatter starts and then she had one of her mini-blowouts. She travels a lot and I asked her, go somewhere good so I can come meet you and we can tear somewhere up. I actually know a lot of girls who like to do things like that with their “guy friends”, hell, I even had a few in my day. She then gets whole defenisve with…that could lead to what not, and that won’t be good for our friendship… what the hell is is this girl talking about??!?! I then got a little fed up and said, not nasty, just matter of fact, I was like “look, I understand you have your rebound thing, I went through that too, as for everything else, you always keep harping on it, not me, you’re the one that is afraid, for whatever reason, that this is leading to friends with bennies.” That pretty much stopped that dialogue.
The next day at some point I sent her a good morning darling or something like that, she said hi, I just wanted to make sure she wasn’t pissed at me, she wasn’t, we chatted for a little and that was it.
Sorry for the long background, but what they hell is this girl thinking and what are her issues? And, did I employ your tactics the right way?
Peter White says:
Hey TY.
I think you may have freaked her out a little because one minute you’re acting all nice and friendly with the compliments; and the next “minute” you’re telling her to be your “friend with benefits.” What you’re finding amusing by messing with her is confusing the hell out of her.
The “tactics” are not mine. They are Steve Scott’s. But I don’t think you did apply them correctly. Partly because your situation appears to be a little different than what this post suggests. Another reason is women don’t like to get involved with guys who are being told about their last relationship, and who bring it up also.
You wrote, “I wanted to see if this was my ego or if this was a woman that did have some interest in me, whether she addmitted it or not.”
With that above, the way I see her issue is…
Women will say “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.” for a few reasons. One being she feels nothing. Two being she feels you are not “relationship” material for her.
I believe she can not find any consistency in your approach to her – women look for stability in men for a relationship. No consistency leads to cheating. Hurt. Betrayal. These are all things which probably can be dealt with within the confides of a friendship but when you add “sex” to the equation it suddenly becomes a dramatic mess.
If you’re looking for a little advice in your situation I can keep it simple. Drop the ego. Become a stable part of her life. Stop bringing up or allowing any talk of past relationships of both of you. Stop complimenting her hoping, (in a way) it will boost your ego to make her blush. You in all likelihood won’t have too much luck attracting her if you’re getting a defensive stance from. People are defensive when they feel at risk. Women want strength from men so they can feel comfortable with them. They want to know you can take the small and the big things with ease. If she feels at risk and uncomfortable do what you can to be the stable part of her life. The rock she can go to to have fun. Not to cry her outs out too. But if she knows a good time is almost guaranteed – sexually or not – She’ll be more likely to begin to see you as a guy who might just work out.
jaiosns says:
hello …i hav a friend an indian gurl the thing is that i hav told her over the phone by text tht i love her…she said her family is too religious and her family is a hindu and i am a christian so doesnt c as such..whenever i get 2 a romantic talk2 her over text she just says not 2 do such things as v r not lovers….and also she texts me almost everyday which mostly is intiated by me….she usually doesnt talk2 me in clas neither do i…i dont get much chances…what to do??i dont knw wat i shud do next
Peter White says:
Hello Jaisons. Thanks for asking.
I’ve found Religious differences are almost impossible to overcome. Also it does sound like you’re creeping her out a little. Pushing too much. Texting too much. etc…
If you want to have “a chance” with her you must pull back immediately. You’re invested way too deeply into being with her. You’ve put your life style behind hers. You’ve also told her you loved before it was the right time.
You must first develop your own path without her. She will not feel enough attraction to move on before you’re able to show her you’re strong enough to let her go.
I’m pressed on time at the moment but I will give you some more info in a few days. in the meantime, please stop contacting her. Trust me you’ll only make things worse. And then we’ll get into why you felt the need to overcome her.
jaison says:
okay il take ur advice and stop contacting her…but plz do reply wat i shud do next….i have no idea what i shud do after tat……
jaison says:
she is trying 2 contact me…..tru text i hav no idea what 2 do nxt whether i shud text her back or whether i shudnt…plz reply waht i shud do nxt…in te mean tym she even askd me y i didnt text her bak…
Peter White says:
You can answer her messages. You just want to avoid sending her a constant barrage of messages. You want to avoid telling her how you feel about her. You want to avoid making the common mistakes which push women away from feeling attracted to you. Here is David’s famous newsletter – What Women HATE Most About Single Guys I believe you’ll find it extremely useful in your situation.
First – you must understand I’m only giving you opinions based on my vast experience of the friends zone. How you take them is entirely up to you and at your own discretion.
Second – It’s not always possible to escape the friends zone.
Third – Please start getting my free newsletter on escaping the friends zone. You’ll learn the how my distraction, attraction, re-introduction works and hopefully you’ll have a steady stream of distractions to get your mind off of her. Escape The Friends Zone
Fourth – Refocus your mindset on to yourself and not her. There’s obvious reasons why she has chosen to only be your friend. Unfortunately if it’s mainly religious, there’s not much we can do about it.
With that said – if you’re doing things for her, are always there for her, and you’re doing it because you want her to like you more – you may want to cut back on it immediately. It’s one thing to do favors or help people out because you want to or it’s who you are, but it has little to do with a woman’s gut feelings of attraction. If you are doing those things for the wrong reasons,(hoping it will change her mind – trying to solve her problems, etc..) it’s only making it worse.
Now – Who are you? How would you describe your personality and what you represent to women? Remember this is about YOU. Not about what others think of you.
I’ve found escaping the friends zone always starts from within YOU and not what you believe she is thinking.
Ty says:
Hey thanks Peter, that makes a lot of sense and I see your points. I think I was taking the whole aspect of creating sexual tension too far. I guess I rather be in the “bad boy” category than the friend category, but again, I see your point. I’ve still had similiar type of banter with her, but I can see how she might get confused or see if I’m for real or not. Also, going through the whole divorce thing herself, I’m sure she is really confused about a lot of things. But you are right, I do NOT want to be the shoulder to cry on.
I laid low for awhile and she txt’d about some dumb realty show involving residential real estate brokers in NYC (not my business). I ignored it, then she wrote later if I knew any of them, me, being my cocky self said something like, “the only resi brokers I know are the ones I formerly slept with” (which is true). I know, you’re like TY what the hell are you doing?!?! She responded, Ew, I responded back, google (not revealing the persons name) and see if you say Ew (this other woman is SMOKIN’), she responded no thanks, so I said, hey I like you, wouldn’t you trust my taste in women, she said, yes, but that she cares not to see these other women. She also added later that I didn’t have to impress her with the women I’ve bed in the past…so I see your point. I actually apologized and admitted it was kind of insensitive on my part, that that wasn’t the point, etc.
I do find it odd that she did not want to see a pic of my ex wife that time we were out, we both knew each other when we were both married. I even relayed this story, in more detail to a female friend who’s a psychatrist and her take was similiar to yours, she said, you’re definitely not in the friend zone, but she definitely has her guard up, but that’s not so bad, if you were just her “friend” she wouldn’t let you grope her in a bar.
I played a few more games with her, some of which I know you’ll disagree wtih and I’m starting to see your points now. Oh, this you’ll like, some how domesticity came up, what we both like about it (or not), she’s definitely a home body; snuggling came up, because of her dog, I think. I then told her, after some pressing from her, that I have been told that I am a great snuggler, she responded with, “I can actually see that and it doesn’t surprise me.” Then, what you won’t like, I came up with, which is actually true, my wife told me the only reasons she married me was for my butt and my snugs… her response was, those are great attributes, but you have much more to offer than that. I thanked her and told her I knew had more to offer than comfort and sex appeal, she agreed. She also starting making disparaging comments about my ex-wife.
So, if I’m understanding you correctly, it sounds like the sexual tension thing I may have done pretty good, maybe too good for my own good, but I need to establish more of a comfort/stability force with her, right? That’s where I’m worried I’d fall into the friend zone, if I’m too accommodating.
Going back to the Friends with bennies things, I probably should have said something like bf/gf ot something like that.
We had another altercation which she started with the whole crossing lines thing in our texts, and I simply responded I can’t talk about this now, but the lines are probably going to cross anyway…she had no retort.
So, I guess my question to you is, how to be “the rock” from a long distance, without being thrown into the friendzone at some point? And keep the sexual tension going?
She contacts me just as much, probably more than I contact her, and if I do contact her, she responds right away. We summer near each other, that’s really where I want to see if something happens between us.
Thanks again…
JT says:
Hey Peter,
What do you think of this…
There’s this girl I used to work with but now we don’t work together any more so I’ve decided to keep in touch with her and maybe make something of it. She’s always been pretty nice around me and always smiley etc, so I just told her straight out that I liked her, her reply was that not to be embarrassed cos “we’re mates” anyway, I’m guessing it was just cos I felt stupid saying it and she was trying to comfort me, she always said we’d have to do something sometime.
So I tried to shrug that off and asked if she wanted to meet up for a bit, she agreed and I went to meet her, she turned up and she’d brought her sister with her, (who I also know anyway, but she didn’t mention she was bringing her…) so I was proper bummed about it and wondered why she had but I didn’t mention it and tried to act as I would anyway but it was a little awkward, ended up back at hers after just sat with her family. But on the way back from hers she seemed to want to talk to me and was asking me stuff and just trying to make conversation.
So now I’m stumped, I don’t know how she feels about me and if she’s interested or not. I don’t know if she brought her sister because I knew her anyway and it would make it less awkward, or if she actually brought her to show that she’s really not interested and that way nothing could happen.
I honestly have no idea what to do, ask her out again sometime when I know her sister isn’t about, or ask her and say just for me and her to go out, or just ask her straight out if she’s interested in any way shape or form or not at all.
Completely stumped on this one, but I’m ridiculously attracted to her and held off until now so as not to make it awkward for us or anyone else while we were still working together.
Any ideas would be greatly appreciated, thanks man.
JT
Peter White says:
Hey JT. My answer was a little too long so I wrote it all out for you here:
“What If” You Settled for a Friendship With Her and Now You Want More?
Peter White says:
Cool answer Ty.
I never suggested to be more “accommodating” I merely suggested to develop a commitment to being stable with her. Which means no more games. No more doing things just to get something or a reaction from her. It also means – what you’ve already established with her needs to be consistent.
I believe we’ve all made the mistake of thinking when a woman needs stability it means we need to start being all nice. It’s just not the case. All it means is WHO we are and the personality we have developed needs to be stable. In other words women, especially her, do not want to see a different guy every time we meet up.
Remember who you are. You’re NOT a guy who is worried about falling in the friends zone so you must not ACT like you are, just for her. You’ve never had a problem like this before because you either didn’t care, didn’t fail, or it never really mattered. Stay with that attitude. Stay with being the over the top sexual guy you’ve already shown her. She is probably attracted to that part of you anyways.
That’s how you be the “rock” for her from any distance.
I know. This all is starting to get confusing. It almost appears like I’m telling you to change and I’m telling you not to change at the same time. I’ll try to tidy up some of the confusion.
As your friend said – she put her guard up when you acted all nice and sweet and were not being yourself – so when she finds consistency in your approach with her (minus the games) she’ll begin to trust the person you are. Even if it’s a guy who likes to talk about his past exploits.
You don’t want to change the core person you are for her. Stop worrying about falling in the friends zone with her because she knows and at least believes you are only doing some things for that reason. You see when she feels you are “afraid” of becoming her friend and act out accordingly, this is when she sees a lack of “congruency” and the guard stays up.
What I’m asking you to change is doing things “ONLY to get a response” or “ONLY to achieve something” or “ONLY to avoid something.” That is the part of you which is showing her a relationship would be a bad thing. When I’m asking you to change I’m not saying to start and be more accommodating to what you believe she needs. I’m saying to change the reasons why you would do something for her. “I want to see your cute ass smile” is the attitude to project and not, “She’s sounds unhappy and I NEED to make you smile.”
Please – keep me informed here. I’ve got a good feeling for both of you.
Wolf says:
Hi Peter,
I’m in this situation with a really good friend of mine who I care about more than anything, and I’ve recently told her this, but she says that I’m too far into the brother zone. This is the second time I’ve told her that I have feelings for her. I even got into my first relationship, which lasted for a little over 14 months, just so she would think I didn’t still have feelings for her. I’m 16, a bit overweight, only been in one relationship, and don’t really have that much confidence. Before my relationship, she would slap me and steal my iPod constantly because she knew I wouldn’t retaliate; but now she only takes my iPod on rare occassions for only a day or two, and doesn’t even think about slapping me anymore. It’s awkward because she’s one of my best mate’s exes (who he clearly isn’t over), so I can’t tell him how I feel about her. And just last night over Facebook, I tried to push for things a little and she revealed that she already had ANOTHER guy. Now she feels bad for it, and that’s not what I want. I mean, I want her to care that I’m hurt deeply, but I don’t want her feeling so much guilt. Once again my mind is completely fried, and I just feel like giving up on everything. I’d try to walk away, but we have too many mutual friends, and you can only get so far away from someone in a schoolyard. I need help desperately!!!
joshua says:
i need some help
im in love with my best friend rite now and she is my Ex Girlfriends best friend too b4 my brake up i used to hate her .. after break up i we got close and i starting liking spending time with her lot i even told her that i like her in romantic way.. she rejected it she said it cant happen cas u my best friends ex bf but we still go out hang out she comes to my place she cooks for me she makes me hug her kiss her,when she gets drunk she gets romantic she kisses me on lips make me hug her get way too close and romantic i tried ignoring her and deleted from my bb but she keeps adding me she dosent make me go away from her. she trust me she told she likes me a good friend not like lover so its very confusing to me what she is doing i really like this girl and i wanna get married to her i event told her i wanna marry her in future she is still with me i have no idea if she loves me or just friend
i want to get out of that friend zone im too available to her with her problems i wanna start new with her and i wanna be attractive to her how can i do it
i need your help in this
Vengeann says:
Ok heres my weird story for all of your’ll, i hope you make sense of this one. I got to know this girl through a friend, shes in her late teens and im in my early 20′s. So basically we started talking on facebook and then it went from there to texting and talking, but a month into this and she completely cuts me off, although i felt a wee bit messed up cos i like her and all that, i just let it slide and continued my life. Three months go by and she comes back just looking for me like crazy and starts right back where we stopped, along goes the texting and calling. From what i gather, she actually cares about me and likes to know what im upto, she tells me whats shes gonna be doing in a named day and all that yaa di yaa daa. When she talks on the phone she is in that flirty mood and what not, we get into a little dirty talk (not too much) and i tease her, she calls me nicknames and all the classic signs. But heres the dilemma, she everytime makes it a point to show me she sees me as a best friend ( How she came to that i dont know cos i dont even know her for that long) she also keeps telling me you should find a girlfriend and so on and so forth, i have told her right at the start that i like her so she clearly know what im hanging on for. I need to get out of this situation, its just playing nuts on my brain cells. P.S I dont text her often, nor do i call, she makes it a point to be the one who text or reminds me to call her (At first i did call her first but then i tried the whole i wont be there for u act and that goes on). I dont know what to do.
Vengeann says:
@Joshua, WHOAA WHOAA, That last part, the M word, they see that a MILE away bro, MILE! Thats exactly the kind of thing (according to what ive been told) you should leave from your psychological self. My situation is atleast a notch better than your situation, your’s is just mean. Anyways hope we get an answer soon from Peter cos my heads just about to go INSANE! Anyways Josh, have you tried to do the whole pretending to like someone else shamaami? I think it would work in your case, just try it on eh? Whats there to loose? Situation cant get anymore worse. Also i know its hard but from what i have read, i understand you should stand up for yourself, when shes gets all romantic, YOU REMIND her that your the friend and refrain from giving what she wants (the kisses and so on).
BRyan says:
Hey there, im in a similar situation like mike… and need advice on what to do.. so met this girl from my work about four months ago at my work, ever since then we have talked, seriously like every day on the phone, and we don’t get bored at all when we talk. we just always have something to talk about. we got to the point in our friend relationship that she literally tells me everything, from things she has never told anyone to very sexual thing, she has even gotten pretty sexual over the phone since she hasn’t had sex the past 8 months. she tells me she has never had a friend like me that can tell everything, because most guys just want to get in her pants. and i told her that’s something i don’t want to get out of her just the sex part… anyways the last month she told me she was starting to like me more than a friend, and i cant lie and so did i, which i also told her,she tells me shes not a intimate person and has had a very abusive first relationship that makes her not know how to love again well ever since that when i do go see her she likes to hug me tight and lay her head on my chest and has her eyes closed as a caress her head . she doesn’t tell me shes enjoying it but, you can just tell she does. and a couple days ago she invited me to go watch a movie at her place, so i went we watched the movie and she was caressing my arm as as i was caressing her head , while she was laying on me. so finally tho the situation…. she tells me she wants to kiss me and would even love to have sex with me.but we have tried to kiss but hasn’t happened and she has told me over the phone she really wants to have sex but she cant cross that line because she really enjoys our friendship and says that if we kiss or have sex things will change, so i asked her like what? she said she will probably not be as opened like she is now, also that her feelings might change towards me, meaning she might have stronger feelings towards me. so yesterday she texted saying she was very very turned on.. and later called me saying she was guilty. i asked why she responded, i wanted to go be bad. she pretty much told me that she wanted to go have sex with one of her ex because she knew that if she had sex with one of them she wouldn’t loose a friend or get feelings for them like if she would with me. so she just decided to go home and call me instead. she also told her friend that when she wanted to go be bad she felt guilty and thought of me and made her feel like she would be cheating on me if she went of and did something. and then said why cant you be an jerk to me or be rude so i dont feel guilty and ended the night by telling me she would really like to have sex with me. so im not trying to her in her pants but this is whats happening and im not sure what direction to go. im a gemini if that kind of helps at all on how i am with her. hopefully all this made sence thanks for reading this and any advice would be great…
Peter White says:
@ Vegeann – I wrote up something for you. You can read it here:
Are You Attracted to An Unpredictable Woman? Is She Driving You Nuts?
Peter White says:
Hi Wolf.
I’ll give you a few words of advice – Never push it with girls. Never get in a relationship as a tactic to get a woman. Just think of all the girls you missed out on while in that relationship. One of them could have been amazing. Also, read a little around this page because there’s some amazing info here – never tell a woman you like her until she does. I know it feels like the “right” thing or the “nice” thing to do but all it does is destroy the mystery and challenge for her. A little “good mystery” and being a challenge to ALL women is actually what women want – that is if you want them to feel attracted to you.
Don’t worry about only being in only one relationship. They will happen in time. Don’t rush into one either. Women are always more attracted to men who don’t NEED to be in one.
Being Single is Just as Good!
Use this info as confidence in knowledge and if you really want to develop yourself into a truly confident man – use it in practice until you get it right.
Confidence In Spite of Liabilities – We All Have Them!
The confidence this girl was looking in you is not the same confidence women will look in you when you get older. Don’t let her fool you or make you believe otherwise. Don’t let her be the girl that ruins it for you later. I let women turn me into something which took me years to get past and I’d hate to see that happen to you.
Make this girl “the one” who charges your confidence because, believe it or not, she’s giving you an education you can not afford to miss. If you look at it from the “right” perspective.
Wishing you the best of luck,
Pete
Peter White says:
Interesting situation Joshua.
You must know I’m not into quick solutions or “easy way outs.” Understand my opinion in your case is never a guatantee.
First – where’s her best friend in all this? And how’s your reltionship with her?
Something tells me she is “into” things she can not have. And as long as she can have you it must be the “messing around with her best friend’s ex” which probably keeps her coming back to you. But since she knows she can get what she wants from you there’s no urgency for her to risk her friendship whith her ex. (Read between the lines in that last paragraph because it can contain a few hints on things I won’t suggest you try.)
Now YOU have to take a stand with her or she will forever be in charge or in control of the relationship.
Never mention the word marriage to her until you’re in a long committed relationship.
You can’t start “new” with her because it’s too late. If she’s getting intimate with you then she’s already attracted to you.
You also must make it clear, the “friends zone” is not an option for you. She doesn’t know how to be just a friend if she’s playing around with you. If you’re not strong enough to back her off you’ll probably never be with her.
So what are you going to do? Settle for the friendship just to stay close and hope and get what little you can from her. Or will you lay it on the line, work on yourself to get past her quickly.
Keep this in mind – this is not a tactic, forcing any woman to make a decision rarely, if ever, works in getting past the friends zone. BUT it must be done in your case because you’re not looking for a friendship and she’s not really acting like a friend.
Remain clear and maintain your composure at all times. Gather your strength to reject her advances. If she gets angry don’t let it affect you. If she gets emotional don’t go there with her. Pick your path and say close to it. If you’re letting anyone control , you’re not going to be happy.
TIP: Just because a woman gets angry with you doesn’t mean she does not feel attracted or is beginning to feel attracted to you.
If it helps think about why you hated her before because unless something has changed in the way she acts, sooner or later that past of her you don’t like will come out.
On a side note – I know it seems like you’re doing the right thing when you delete her or ignore her but she knows the real reason why you’re doing it. So for the next time do the counter intutive thing. Again it’s a control issue. If she knows she controls you, she wont feel enough attraction
to bother with. If you stay one step ahead of her and stay consistently “un-bothered” or not do something because of her she loses the control.
You see women act differently when they know something they’re doing is affecting what you do.
Please get back to me with a little more info or what is going on inside your mind after reading this and Vegeann’s suggestion.
Until then, never forget just because a woman chooses not to enter a relationship does not mean she feels no attraction.
Thanks for asking Joshua,
Pete
joshua says:
thanks pete
First – where’s her best friend in all this? And how’s your reltionship with her?
the girl i like rite now she is my ex girlfriends close friend my Ex hangs out with her most of the time and sometimes we all meet i don’t much talk to my ex and this girl i like she wont talk about me or my ex much..
my relationship with my ex is nothing i just ignore her she played with my head toomuch so i keep my self away from her..
i think she is lil insecure cas of what people will think as i dated her best friend then we broke up i like this girl we hang out lot
rite now she know i love her, and she know no mater what i will wait for her and talk her bullshit..
thats y she dosent want me to go away and she dosent want me to be with her.
what do you suggest me do. how to act with her or talk or meet up
Richard says:
Hi Mr White.
I have also similiar problem. I have also a best friend we were together in class 3 years ago and we started to become best friends but in the end of the year I started loving her. I faled my school year and I changed school, so we didnt see each other for a certain time and I started writing her sometimes. So we met and sometimes and we wrote sms once a week and she found out by another girl that I loved her but she didn’t want to stop our friendship. It was a hard time tough and than this was going on for a long time and a year after that I couldn’t take it anymore so we talked and we decided to stop the conact so I could get over her. After a month I told myself that I was stupid and I should fight for her so I did it and a friendship was getting better we wrote sms all day and saw each other when we had time like sometimes in the weekend. She told me that Im very important to her and she likes me very much but just as a friend. so last week I started talking about relationship and everything(via sms) I never did it so honestly before and I asked her if I would have any chance and she told me no I should not hope and she said that she was sorry for hurting me and so on. The only good thing she told me was that she knew she would have it good if I was her boyfriend but she just doesn’t love me.
And now all my hope is gone and I dont know what to do. I would be so thankful if you could help me.
Thank you
Ps sorry for my english it isnt so good
Wolf says:
I really appreciate your advice Pete, I’m gonna try my best and try to learn from all of this, even if I’m still stuck in the middle. I’m sure things will work out in the end
Peter White says:
Hey Joshua – I wrote this for you.
She’s His Ex-Girlfriend’s Best Friend – And He’s In Love With Her
Peter White says:
@BRYAN
Hey Bryan. First of all this woman is telling you she would feel guilty for having sex with a decent guy…and kind of wishes you were a jerk.
Wow! Something about that is not settling very well with me. But I’ll spare you that opinion. Okay a little, if she’s looking for guilt free sex and she’s reserved about getting into a REAL relationship which could include sex, AND she’s sees sex as being a BAD thing…I believe you’re not pushing the right buttons to make it happen…or she too young and still in high school. At which I say nothing about and please don’t read on.
Bryan. You’re already in a relationship with this woman and she’s scared if you take the next step, things could change. Guess what. They will change. But more importantly… they already have changed. Both of you have already introduced a sexual edge to your relationship.
It sounds to me like she’s trying to get you to take the lead and MAKE it happen. You don’t have to lie to her and tell her it’s going to be okay. You don’t know that and neither one of you can predict the future. But it seems like she is trying to get you to take all the blame so if the relationship goes bad, she can not put the blame on herself. Thus feeling better about introducing sex to the relationship.
You see if you become a jerk about it or put it to her rudely that she’s being irrational you satisfy her belief all men only want sex. That’s not always a bad thing but to you it appears to be a big deal. You don’t want to just get in her pants and you’re completely honest about that. But are you honest to her about the rest. How bad do you want her? How does she make you feel? How does it feel to not get the part of the relationship called sexual intimacy while she talks about sleeping with some ex-jerk? Really Bryan have you ever told how hard you get thinking about her and how being bad with her is something you’ve fantasized about. And it great detail.
You’re missing a “piece of the puzzle” when it comes to seduction. Some women want to feel bad. It turns them on. They want to be submissive so they can feel free to explore their complete sexuality. They want to be opened up to incredible emotional experiences. They just don’t want to “decide” to do it. They just want it to happen and it’s YOUR job to lead her through it.
So you can tell her, “I’ll take all the blame if that’s what you want. I’m willing to risk it and I’m not willing to miss something which may or may not turn out to be incredible.” You also can be honest to her about how you really feel and I’m not talking about the honesty that you believe is the nice thing to say, or how you’re different than all the rest. You should never have to tell a woman you’re not like other guys. And why? Because that’s what every other guy tells her…and most of them are the players just trying to get in her pants.
You see you’re at the point where she is telling you – PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE and you’re telling her, “I know. This is tough. I understand how you’re feeling. What ever you decide is kind of okay with me.”
When my girl says please to me in that sexual way, if you know what I mean, and I’m not ready I say, “I’m not ready yet baby. Wait for me…” And she does. Not because she’s being nice or even because she wants to please me, she’s too wrapped up in the moment to deeply consider anything but the “big one,” Nope. She waits because it just feels right. And it feels right because during those intimate moments, and long before the seduction took place, I made her feel safe enough with me to release her inhibitions or worrying about the future. (To a certain degree)
Women want to be seduced. They just don’t want to it be planned or secretly lied to and treated like a non-person.
Now that I’ve let all that out – Tell me Bryan – what happened when you both tried to kiss, and what do YOU want with her. What do you desire to do with her the most? Don’t hold back.
joshua says:
hello pete
thanks for replying back just last night i told her i dont wanna settle for just friendship so im going and dont wanna fake being just like friends when ii have feelings for you..
now she is not on my bb i delete her just 2days back and now she lost her phone .. so we chat on fb
our chat
I don’t wanna settle with u for friendship so me go
her- huh
u were always jus a close frn for me
me- That’s what I don’t wanna be anymore
her- wateva
me- I want more, I told u I love u I was not joking or said lie..if u can’t be more so let me go nicly no hard fellings
her – excuse me josh
i made it clear in de begginin only
dat i cant and wont it will never happen
i told u ver clearly
i said bye
after all this happen 1 hour we dint speak then she start talking about me to check how much is phone and she is so sad about losing her phone asking where im what im doing she took my number and its like i feel she dosent want me to go away and she dont want me to come i dont understand her.. second thing is her x bf keeping on messing with her on twitter i feel like she is not yet over her Ex bf who is dating someone else.
now she is not on my bb
i told her stright i dont wanna settle for friendship
what will i do now?
waiing for your reply
pete thanks
Peter White says:
@Joshua
Now you take time for yourself. Distract yourself from thinking about her. I know that may be difficult to do but it must be done. You told her you don’t want to fake a friendship when you are looking for more. And that’s a good thing for both of you.
Your feelings for her will settle down as time goes by. I can not guarantee a time frame but it will happen. So listen man, all of us guys have gone through this (having to say good bye) and we manage to get through it. It’s all part of the bigger picture and it’s a process which, when left to itself, happens.
Soon there will come the time to open your options with other women but not too quickly. The last thing you want to start doing is projecting your feelings for her on every other woman.
This is the time to explore the bigger picture of you and what you want from yourself. You see in my past I would let the women linger inside my brain for months and months, feeling sorry for myself, wondering what if, and why the fu** I couldn’t be with her. AND IT GOT ME NOWHERE!
The best way to get through the past to continue living in the present is to make sure you continue taking steps to achieving your goals in life – which have nothing to do with women.
She’s probably going to push you. She’s probably going to reason with you her friendship and staying strong and decisive is how you handle it. Not rudely but dignified and clear. As clear as you have ever been or even more.
Continue to work on your relationships with women as I mentioned in your post because if you ignore it, they won’t go away.
I hate to say this but – No whining. No pouting. No regrets. And if you must sulk keep it to a minimum and please make sure you do it in private as just a release.
We’ll talk again soon. I’m sure of that and of course I wish you all the best of luck.
Jhon says:
Hey man,i really enjoyed your text….but the main problem is…
some of the steps consist in being a jerk with her….that’s my ‘problem’…i don’t think i can do it.
In fact,i already knew the whole process,a lot of people know it,but the problem is executing it…
I know as you said,it’s hard to do it,but it’s necessary…acting like a jerk,getting away from her and all those things…
Basically it’s all about being a idiot,because women like idiots…
but i don’t know if i want her liking me as a idiot….i want her to like me because of my qualities,not my defects(that are not even mine,cause i would be faking them)
Peter White says:
Hey john,
I don’t see “be a jerk” listed anywhere. I believe you’re looking at it from the wrong perspective. You just need to avoid “ass kissing” and to be your own man. Don’t change your views because she does not agree. Don’t revolve your life around her. Keep yourself at the center of your life and qualify women to join and possibly enhance your lifestyle.
That’s not acting like a jerk. It’s about being real and true to yourself first.
If you want to separate yourself from her easily, do things you enjoy more which have nothing to do with women. They key here is to avoid doing things in which you have little chance of meeting women or does little for your social value. Meaning don’t sit on your ass more to avoid her.
It certainly is not about being an idiot. I suppose you’re only seeing that because I’m sure you’ve noticed women with guys that make stupid mistakes, or do things you find are below you, or even guys who like to watch football and drink beer and talk about the so-called “man” stuff.
Do you see the difference? That guy who does those things is doing them because he enjoys doing it – despite her. Which is another reason she is with him. Because he had and wants to maintain some sort of independence.
If you find those types of guys have “defects” and you feel lowering yourself to them, or acquiring their defects is something that must be done to attract women what are you really saying to women?
You’re calling them idiots. You’re attempting to lower their status by putting them down hoping it will make you feel better than those “other” guys. And women do NOT find arrogance attractive in any shape or form. If your “quality” is arrogance and if you act like you’re better than everyone else, you’re creating a “friends only” bubble around you and not many women will want to pop it.
So the real problem is not executing the steps. They all can be done easily with the right attitude, an open mind, and a level playing field.
Von says:
Hello Peter,
I’m Von, from the bay area, SF.
Thank you for the good read, I have a good feeling that this might actually be a huuuuge help for me in the long run.
Here’s my story, if you don’t mind it’s quite long.
So I have this really close friend and just recently (3 months) I realized I actually like her so much. I’ve known her for almost a year, and we’re actually good friends. I started that we get along really well last year, and soon enough I found myself falling for her. Sounds corny, yes I know.
We got really close in the past few months, and we actually go out sometimes, sometimes it’s planned, and sometimes for some reason we end up with each other because our other friends didn’t make it or whatever lol. I liked how it was going in the past few months, but recently I actually feel like I’m being taken for granted. I don’t want to think of her that way, since I like her and I know we’re good friends (sometimes we call each other as bestfriends). Though sometimes I really can’t help but wonder. She’d only call up when she needs to ask about something, or when she has problems. I mean I don’t mind to listen to her, I actually appreciate the fact that I’m the one she approaches first whenever she needs someone to lean to. Though the problem is I feel like that’s my only purpose at the moment.
This wasn’t the case back in January – March. Or maybe it was, it’s just that I didn’t notice it right away. We actually flirt innocently sometimes, dropping those “I like you” and “I have a crush on you” jokes and then laughing it off like it didn’t mean anything to me at all when actually it’s driving me nuts inside lol. It was fun, I actually felt “special”, like more than just a friend, but a step away from being a “couple”. I want to be back there, and correct my mistakes. I think that these are the mistakes I have done in the past few weeks/month:
I’m being too nice to her, like agreeing to wherever she wants to go, paying out in our bills whenever we have meals (if it’s only the two of us), being there the moment she calls up, and more. It’s actually like being “whipped” but we’re just friends. Problem is I want to get out of this situation. I wanna do step no.2 of what you posted, but I’m afraid it might be too drastic. She might notice it too much because like I stated, I was being too nice.
My concern is, am I too far down? Or is it still possible to turn things around? I might sound a little too confident saying this, but physical attractiveness wise, I feel that there’s no problem at all. It’s all down to what I’m doing. I’m basically acting as a whipped boyfriend when I shouldn’t be, at all. Hoping for your response. Thanks for the good read too!
Miguel A says:
Hey Pete … I’m in college right now 21yrs old I met this in September we had class together at first I just saw her as a friend towards the end of the semester I started liking her. We talked got closer text all the time sprig semester came and we decided to take all our classes together we got closer so I told her I liked her she told me she only she was shocked and only sees me as a friend after this I played it cool we still talked nothing changed I did start talking to other girls at very few times I felt she was becoming jealous. I told her I liked her because I felt confident she felt the same people would think we were a couple in our classes so my question is can I still make her into my girlfriend can I be her boyfriend
Miguel A says:
After i told her I liked her we still remained close I tried not showing her much attention but it just seems not to work for me I liked her and idk what to do I asked to go with me to hangout together to this event coming she said she couldn’t she is trying to save up money for her trip over the summer but then i told her our friend wants to go to this club she said she was def excited then I told her im about to open my pool and she can’t wait to come so idk??? I’m lost I really like her how can I change from being a friend to a boyfriend
Peter White says:
Hello Von. Thanks for writing and you’re welcome.
I wish I could tell you you’re too far down but since I do not know you two personally I would rather not predict the future. But..
If you have yet to confess your feelings for her then you’re ahead of where too many guys are. So that’s good news.
My first phase of getting out of the friends zone is Distraction. Simply put you must distract yourself from her and go to work on yourself immediately. Each case is slightly different but if you have the ability to date other woman I would suggest you step that up quickly. This will put the focus back on your needs and will make you a busier person.
Also find one thing you’ve been putting off to do for yourself and start doing it more. For me it was just to get out more, get back to dancing, and most importantly make lots of new friends.
What you’re aiming to do is to make sure when she feels like using you as her “counselor,” you’re too busy to be at her every call. Don’t just avoid the calls. Just have a busier lifestyle for yourself especially when it has you dating around.
Next… Stop paying for her immediately. And it’s not too drastic if she’s treating you like you’re “whipped.” It’s actually standing up for yourself to gain some dignity and control over your actions. You can also now start calling her up about a question you have and if she blows it off and immediately goes into “her” problems – cut it off and let her know if she’s not there for you, you won’t be there for her. If she gets mad don’t worry about it. Just because a woman is angry with you does not mean she can not feel attracted to you – When it’s done the right way. In other words just being a jerk for the sake of being a jerk is not what I mean.
Remember you WANT her to notice this shift. You WANT her to notice you’re not carrying her bag around anymore. If it helps slowly begin to tease her about treating you like her little toy. Make a joke about it and then give her that “Hey. You’re not going there with me anymore” look. Then smirk.
Lastly – if you want those “flirty” conversations back, then start doing it with her. It’s really as simple as that. You’ll probably notice quickly she’ll either start telling you it’s strange because she sees you as a brother, or she’ll respond in a way which shows she’s not sure how you really feel about her. Let her wonder where your heart lies for a while until the momentum builds enough to sexually explode right in front of you.
Any more questions I’ll do my best to respond and I wish you the best of luck with her,
Pete
Richard says:
Hi Mr White.
I have also similiar problem. I have also a best friend we were together in class 3 years ago and we started to become best friends but in the end of the year I started loving her. I faled my school year and I changed school, so we didnt see each other for a certain time and I started writing her sometimes. So we met and sometimes and we wrote sms once a week and she found out by another girl that I loved her but she didn’t want to stop our friendship. It was a hard time tough and than this was going on for a long time and a year after that I couldn’t take it anymore so we talked and we decided to stop the conact so I could get over her. After a month I told myself that I was stupid and I should fight for her so I did it and a friendship was getting better we wrote sms all day and saw each other when we had time like sometimes in the weekend. She told me that Im very important to her and she likes me very much but just as a friend. so last week I started talking about relationship and everything(via sms) I never did it so honestly before and I asked her if I would have any chance and she told me no I should not hope and she said that she was sorry for hurting me and so on. The only good thing she told me was that she knew she would have it good if I was her boyfriend but she just doesn’t love me.
And now all my hope is gone and I dont know what to do. I would be so thankful if you could help me.
Thank you
Richard
RV says:
“I really hate when people start teasing me with someone who has not even proposed, so please let’s end this friendship.what do you think”.This quotation is from my best friend.How do I go about it?
Von says:
Thank you very much for a very detailed and insightful response, I appreciate it so much!
Seems like step no.2 is really a big challenge for me, but I’d still try to do it nonetheless.
Thank you!
Yes, I haven’t confessed my feelings for her yet. I think it’s pretty obvious though, or it could seem to her that I’m just being a really good friend. That’s where I started anyway haha.
Peter, there’s a bigger problem to this, I didn’t mention it in my first comment because for some reason I felt that it was unnecessary to do so, but it’s not. Here it is.. She still has a boyfriend. My friends and I talk about this a lot, and actually they weren’t going too well back then, so maybe that’s why I disregarded that fact. They’re still together, and I can tell that their relationship probably got better. I still don’t know why I feel like their relationship is a ticking time bomb that’ll most likely explode anytime soon and just end. I’m not really sure though. My friends are telling me to just stay good friends with her, and that they are really positive that we will end up with each other in the future. This sounds pathetic, I know I sound like a loser right now.. But for some reason I really like her. Maybe that might change when I get around to dating others or become really busy with other stuff.
About her hearing my problems, I absolutely have no problems with that. Whenever I tell her my problems, she listens and advises me well. I can actually feel the concern of a “true friend”.
That’s it, sometimes I think that the only thing that’s holding me back is her boyfriend. Though I’m really afraid I’ll just end up as a rebound. I’m not really sure. Again, thank you so much Peter! Looking forward to your next response!
Von
Peter White says:
@RV I really do appreciate you asking the question. I also understand the answer to you might mean a lot (in helping to clear up your confusion.) BUT you must also understand your quotation is so out of context I’m finding it difficult to answer.
I’m assuming the woman is your friend and you “want her?” But who is teasing who? What friendship is ending? Was it a marriage proposal?
Write a little more information and I will do my best to respond.
Peter White says:
Well Hello to you too Richard. But please, call me Pete.
I wrote this for you:
It Takes 9 Steps Before She Puts You In The Friends Zone and 12 Steps to Get Out
I want to warn you it contains more advice than you could ever imagine so please take the time to read it entirely.
Thanks for your comment and I wish you the best of luck.