I wrote a post, The Truth Behind Her Words the other day and at the end I brought up validation.
By some strange coincidence I was flipping through some articles to post and I found one by Carlos Xuma.
Part of our needs as humans is to get validation to assure us and make us feel approved of. We sought this validation and approval from our parents and peers when we were children, and we never really let go of that need when we had to “grow up.”
Limit the amount of approval you need from other people.
You can’t worry too much about what other people think about you. It’s easy to go through life seeking approval and never really accomplish anything because you’re trying to please everyone. You can’t, and it’s a belief that you must leave behind.
(Willie Loman in “Death of a Salesman: fails to achieve for this same reason. He thinks it’s better to be liked than to achieve worthwhile goals.)
What this means for you in dating is that you need to be able to communicate, through subtle and not-so-subtle methods, that you do not need her approval. A woman will not feel attracted to a man if she feels she has power over his sense of self-esteem.
How do you communicate this?
One way is to find and pursue your own personal interests. This can be as simple as a hobby or a sport interest, like swimming or weight training.
The best way you can demonstrate your independence is to have goals outside of a relationship. Having a personal direction or mission is immensely attractive for a woman. It shows women that you have a life outside of pursuing them. Hint at a depth they need to explore.
The more you seek approval and validation, the more it will elude you.
Carlos Xuma
He doesn’t say it all and how deep validation really can go but you get the point very quickly how approval seeking for a man, or for a woman in fact, play a huge role in attraction.
I have found through my life the big validations in are life are easy to spot. They affect us so much and we are often aware of them but yet we still refuse to do anything about them. Maybe it’s because they are so obvious our approval seeking self does not want to change for just that reason. If another person were to find out we were undergoing some kind of self help therapy, it would make us feel the other person is better than us. As if we’re thinking those same people would feel superior to us because we “Needed” to go through some kind of transformation away from ourselves.
In this very unhealthy circle of events our own need to be validated stops us from changing our biggest insecurities.
I’m going to propose to you a different way of dealing with validations. I’m going to tell you to ignore that one giant validation in which you are against changing.
I say go for the small ones first. Change the ones that others are not aware but can sense through your energy which makes you appear less attractive than others.
- First we need to discover these tiny insecurity issues.
- Second we need to validate them that they are affecting our lives.
- Third we need to reverse their affect on our attraction energy.
- Fourth. Repeat the process. One at a time. Even if step three doesn’t seen to happen. We must never get stuck on one step. Just keep moving through the process and it will make a difference.
One more note to keep in mind is that just because we are talking about attraction does not mean the validations need to center around just our dating lives. Any area in your life will do. No matter how small or insignificant they feel.
Let me tell you one of mine as an example to do yourself. It’s a small one but it’s also not the kind of information I would not normally share with anyone but a good friend. And I believe this would be a perfect example.
Like when I see a very overweight woman who sticks her tongue out in her close up photographs. It really turns me off. And then I think it even pisses me off a little. Why would it piss me off?
You see I think if I search into these kind of subjects in my life I can begin to unravel these tiny little validations I am not aware of.
It’s not that I find her unattractive but it seems to affect me in a way which does not make any sense. It pisses me off and I start to think why would she do that? Doesn’t she know she’s making herself look even worse? She’s already carrying a large amount of unattractive features and she goes and makes it worse. And to finish it off she’s probably one of those types of women that feels it necessary to tell everyone that she doesn’t care how she looks. She does not care what others think of her. And then all i can think is that she is so full of shit and everyone can see right through her false confidence. The energy I get from her is very low self-esteem.
Oh yeah. Now we’re getting closer.
Again why would it affect me in any way?
I must be validating something here that lies hidden inside. There is an insecurity being masked and it’s is showing itself through the small amount of anger I felt.
STEP ONE: Discover the issue.
Although I acted very similar at some point in my life through my long hair, thick glasses, and hiding of my body; I want to find something smaller. My instinct tells me it has more to do with her refusal to better herself and her refusal to see the real truth behind her looks. It’s small but it irritates when people don’t want to live in the real world. I enjoy enlightening people with my attitude and seeing her makes me question my validity of the world around me.
STEP TWO: Validate the Validation
It’s obvious there’s a small part of me that questions my view of the world. I claim to live in the now. I claim to live in a world in which the truths often do not remain hidden from me, once I search for the truth. I am an atheist. I am full believer in survival of the fittest and it is what I would call the truth in the world.
Perhaps there is a small part of me that is questions my own beliefs relative to these circumstances. Perhaps ignorance is bliss. Perhaps her being a woman and I found her so unattractive and yet while growing up, she could laid at any given time, and I could not. Even though I felt way more attractive than her.
And there you have it. It’s not necessarily questioning my beliefs in the world around me. I feel very secure in that knowledge.
I was angry and upset and made myself less attractive because a part of me felt jealousy that she could get laid, and I couldn’t. Even though I was in shape, nice, and an overall cool guy to be with. I felt it was unfair and I didn’t deserve it.
STEP THREE: Reverse it’s affect on my attraction energy.
This part is proving to be a little more difficult because some things take time. Some things change underneath and slowly work their way up to our outer self. Reversing the affects may not be so obvious at first.
Okay so now I now the root is the world is unfair to me. (If she could find someone and I couldn’t.)
Luckily a major part will happen naturally now that I know in my conscious mind what is going on. But I must remain aware for it to last. Otherwise I might revert to an old habit way of thinking.
I could bring it up to her but that would only hurt her feelings and do nothing for me.
I could tell myself when I see a woman of this type to understand she lives in her own world and it does not affect me at all. How fair the world is has nothing to do with our relationship. How fair the world is completely up to me. I make the difference not her. She has nothing to do with my problem I hard in the past, and she will have nothing to do with any problems in my future.
So I approach her as a friend with all of that in my mind. I respect her choices and if she comes to me for help on becoming more attractive or helping her to lose the weight I can, and will assist not interfere.
And that’s it. That last paragraph above is the thinking of a real man. A masculine man with little room for being needy. I reversed the process almost complete and how I now act will change my attraction energy. I will be felt as a more attractive person.
Try some for yourself you might be surprised how much it affects your attraction.
Also Carlos wrote that quote above and if it “hit home” with you, please check out his wonderful programs. The man does know what he is talking about and he has been through it all. Take the time to really think about investing in his programs. They helped me and I feel they can help you too. He just has something for everyone. I have a page here explaining a little about him and his products. Click here to visit Carlo Xuma at Attraction Transformation.
Author Credit
I’m Peter White. The owner and operator of DiaLteGTM
I’m A nice guy who turned himself into a man women want after years of failing with women. I’ve decided to write about my experiences so any man can benefit and learn.
DiaLteG TM ~ My Nice Guy’s Approach to Attraction proudly sponsors Attraction Transformation.
Peter White – My Nice Guy’s Approach To Attraction – DiaLteG™
Photo Credit:
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