I have a follower. Yes I do. She loves to learn. She wants to succeed. She is full of questions and I just happen to have lots of answers.
Not all my answers are right and it’s not secret I do fail. But the answer I’m going to give you comes straight from the source because the one thing that is always right about me is…I’m always a man and if you want an answer to this question, who better to give it to you than me.
The title of this post is the question but she added a little more.
“When a guy says he loves you but not ‘in love’ with you… What does this mean in guy speak? ”
Well I’ve heard that exact statement from women several times and I knew what it meant then. (I also feel it is no different when it comes from the mouth of a man.)
I love you but I’m not in love with you means…
I don’t feel attracted to you. I don’t feel any sexual energy between us.
Guy speak can be easy to understand. We’re usually straight to the point. Women tend to look for the deeper meaning behind our words and end up driving themselves crazy. They’re always trying to make something more of what we are saying and wind up pressuring the man too much.
When a man says he loves you it’s clear to me what he is saying.
I care about you. I care what happens to you. I want the best for you. I will be there for you. You’re a close friend and I will treat you like my family.
(although not all men are good at giving as they are in saying)
Nowhere does it imply attraction. He didn’t say,
“I want you but I don’t love you.”
Now when a man say’s he is ‘in love‘ it means he wants to involve you in a deeper part of his life which will include intimacy or a sexual affair. I won’t get into the entire meaning of love so I’ll stop there.
I would assume if you’re like my friend and have trouble understanding this ‘guy speak‘ it’s because you are looking too deeply into what he is saying. We are generally literal people and if it is a deeper meaning issue it only takes a little digging to find the truth.
(As in cases where a man is displaying over confidence because of a lack of self-esteem)
“MEN DON’T SEARCH FOR THE “WHY” IN EVERYTHING.”
Men don’t need to find the deeper meaning (or assume there is any deeper meaning) in everything.
If a woman’s elbow itches, she wonders “Why does my elbow itch? Did I do something to make my elbow itch? Did I eat something that made my elbow itch?”
Women have to find out the “why” for everything they do and everything that happens to them.
“Why does this guy like me? What does this mean?”
Here’s the truth of the matter…
It doesn’t mean anything!! You have to think like a man!
I’ve added that quote above from a very reputable source because I feel it backs up “man speak” in being literal.
If we don’t search for the “why’s” behind our emotions then we must also not speak it in our words either.
It feels wrong and we’re taught in our social language to not speak about attraction. We’re also taught in society to be nice and spare other people feelings because we don’t want to hurt them. This is why you rarely ever hear a man (or woman) say,
“I love you but I’m not attracted to you.”
That statement can be misread into one person thinking another person is ugly, or not good-looking. Too many people are guilty of confusing attraction with looks and taking another words personally. This is why we say things like “not in love“, but the meaning is still clear.
It’s a nice way of saying,
I do not feel attracted to you. Regardless of your looks you just don’t make me feel the same energy I feel when I’m attracted to someone.
I do have much more to say about this topic and the entire concept of ‘guy speak.’ It would be best if you’re a woman with questions to sit back and relax here for a while.
I will eventually get to everyone. 
Peter White
Thanks for stopping by and giving me the opportunity to teach you about attraction. Your comments and opinions are always appreciated. I went from being a miserable person who was very unsuccessful with women to the guy you see today. A writer, attraction expert, and dating guru.
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sara says:
I have an issue, I love my fiance but I am not in love with him, just like You explained. I feel that way, but I don;t know how to tell him in a way I won’t hurt his feelings. I need help, I don’t want to marry him and feel no attraction..
Kaila says:
Sara,
Simply tell him how you feel either way you’re going to hurt your fiance you marry him and you dont want to him living a false marriage and if you tell him he find’s out someone he cared for dosnt feel the way she claims.
Peter White says:
Good point Kaila.
Sara. There’s something here you must understand and I believe if you put yourself in his shoes, you’ll see things clearer.
Imagine you’re just about to get married and your future husband decides to call off the wedding…Is there a reason or excuse he could give you which will not hurt your feelings? What if he were to tell you he must leave to go save a thousand lives? Would that make you feel any better?
I doubt it. That is because it’s going to hurt him no matter what you say. Sure you could ease him into it or TRY to make him feel better but when you walk away – he’s going to feel it.
But you know what? He’s an adult who must by now understand how to deal with his feelings maturely. Which goes beyond you entering a marriage with someone you’re not in love with.
And what about the risk?
When each one of us enters a relationship, when each one of us opens our heart to another person, there’s always a risk involved. There’s always a chance someone is going to get emotionally hurt. It’s absolutely unavoidable.
I understand your fears. I understand how breaking this off makes you feel like you’re not a good person.
But that’s just not the case.
The “better” person is the one who does the “right thing” despite the consequences.
Trust me you’re not going to like yourself staying with someone and living in a false relationship. And eventually he’s not going to like the person pretending to be in love with him. That I can guarantee.
The answer or help you’re looking for is really just about having the courage to do what you know is the right thing. And I’m going to help you with that…because I know, being a guy, I would rather be let down by a woman who’s not afraid to be completely honest with me.
All you have to do now is put it to him in a way which in no way clouds the issue…
You are not IN love with him -> “I can not marry you because I am not in love with you.”
Notice I did not say this, “I’m sorry…I can not…”, or “You know I love you but…”, or “You truly are a great person but…”
To a guy that just says you’re more worried about your OWN feelings and not his. And that is not what we need to hear when we’re being broken up with.
Yes. He will ask why. Who wouldn’t? But again stick to the issue at hand and steer away from consoling him, until you give him that last hug.
Yes. He may even get angry. Let it happen and don’t go there with him.
Yes. He may even cry. But again the emotions he is feeling will subside and let his maturity handle it, not you.
Good luck Sara and please let me know how it all works out,
Pete