Why Does A Guy Stare At A Woman But Not Approach

Man Staring

Men stare because they feel physically attracted to you. He’s either scared, nervous, or unsure on what to say. He won’t approach or know what to say.

Some fear the approach as much or more than speaking in public.

They get nervous.

They think about too much about what to say and if they can not come up with something clever, they don’t approach.

Some even think you’re amazingly hot and can only think of telling you how beautiful they think you are.

A comment they know every guy has already said to you sometimes a thousand times.

Men are not conversational driven like women.

We’re not taught how to approach a woman in school.

We have to go by our friends while growing up, pickup movies where the nerd somehow gets the girl in the end, and worst of all, we get shot down a lot.

Some men also don’t really know how to talk to a woman.

They don’t understand how much you can turned on, or how much attraction a man can make with just his body language, attitude, and words.

And when they do realize it that puts even more pressure on them…

Because now they believe if they screw up the conversation you’ll never give them a second chance.

Here is what I used to do which might be some help or insight into how some men think when it comes to approaching women…

I notice her from afar. Wow. She’s hot. A friend of mine might even smack me on the arm and say,

Dude. Look at her. She’s incredible.

I would check her out casually and turn away quickly when she caught me.

I didn’t want her to think I was like every other guy.

I didn’t want her to think I was objectifying her body.

Let’s say I was out playing pool and I noticed her. I would use every opportunity to admire her beauty but I would find every excuse to not approach her.

  • She probably has a boyfriend or worse yet married.
  • She wouldn’t like me.
  • I could embarrass myself if she shot me down.
  • If I only knew what to say to get her interested enough in me but I doubt that’s going to happen.
  • What if she says something hurtful or worse yet, calls me an ugly loser.
  • Who am I to believe I could ever have a woman like her. I’ve never even been given the opportunity so I wouldn’t even know what to do if she talked back.
  • I could stutter like some fool and really look pathetic.

Men are generally drawn to the physical attributes on a woman.

When we see a girl that we are highly attracted to there’s a mysterious force ( attraction ) which draws our eyes to her.

Some guys stare right at the breasts.

Some try to position themselves to check out her ass.

Some gaze at her eyes hoping and praying she will approach him and magically they will run off together. Okay this one is absurd but believe me, it does happen.

I remember seeing this incredible woman at a baseball game and by the end of the ninth inning my mind had us doing boyfriend and girlfriend stuff together.

And let me tell you I can’t remember a thing about who won the game or who was playing, but I still can see her in my mind… and that was over twenty years ago.

Consider this…

If the attraction mechanism that is put inside a guy is that powerful imagine how powerful the fear associated with approaching a woman is.

Years ago us guys could get smacked up pretty hard for approaching the wrong woman.

We could even lose our lives.

Imagine a group of 20 humans living as animals in the wild.

Chances are during our small lifetime we would be extremely lucky to even come across another group.

Therefore if we were to approach a woman we felt attracted to and failed, we could ruin our chances with every limited available women in the group (that wasn’t a family I hope.)

Us guys stare because we’re attracted to one or more physical features on a woman.

It varies from man to man although there are some features most men are attracted to.

We won’t, don’t, or can not approach because:

  • Fear of failure and sometimes success.
  • The women we have approached in the past were rude and made us feel like a loser for just wanting to talk with them.
  • Some women appear unapproachable to us.

We stare because it’s a driving force of our sexual energy.

For me it’s the shapes. I love the shape and curves on a woman’s body.

The way the small of her back flows smoothly into her hips.

The soft curvature of her butt which I feel inside my mind being cupped in my hands as we kiss…

And ALL guys gets those same emotions even though we have different preferences in what we’re attracted to.

The real truth…or why does a guy stare at a woman but not approach will and has always come down to one thing – he’s feeling attracted to you but is either too scared, nervous, or clueless on how to approach you.

Of course YOU ( as a woman ) play your part too. :) You MUST be open to the approach… Meeting Him, “Why Won’t Men Approach Me and How Do I Make It Happen”

If that doesn’t help you, you can always try using a pickup line on him – Don’t Wait For Him To Approach You! Pick Up Lines For Women

Or even this one: How To Approach A Guy At Work – He Wants to Be Noticed

If you’re looking for more answer on why guys do the things they do… make sure you check out my totally free site filled with all sort of great answers about men, including the staring thing —> “Why Do Guys…?”… Peter White

Meet the Author

Peter White

It's my belief creating natural attraction is nothing more than how you communicate the belief you have in yourself. Too many guys rarely ever experience that because of a fear (better known as approach anxiety) For this reason I created this little meeting place to help all involved with "The Approach". Make sure you also check out whydoguys.com for a unique look into men from a guy.

46 comments… add one

  • dave Jan 16, 2013, 10:52 pm

    Still amazed that ANY guy would make the approach! Numbers show that fewer and fewer men are approaching women, probably because they are fed up with the game. Is the United States the only country in the world with so, so many companies in business to retrain an entire legion of men who would have women approach them and get some value for once? Are we really surprised that it has come to this? Maybe it will give men some value.

  • Frank Mar 28, 2013, 12:07 am

    many of us men are getting tired of being rejected all the time, and with so many women nowadays that have an attitude problem and play very hard too get, and that is certainly the reason why we will not approach.

    • funsized Apr 9, 2013, 10:40 am

      Were the girls rude to you when you tried to approach them? I realised these days guys dont approach girls much

      • Telling The Truth Apr 12, 2013, 11:40 am

        most of the women are very nasty nowadays when i will approach them, and i see it happening to the other men too. the women of today just play too many games and certainly need to grow up, that is why it is very hard for us men since their attitude doesn’t help either.

        • Peter White Apr 13, 2013, 9:12 am

          But what if I were to tell you that attitude (granted sometimes is a sign of a bitchy personality) is really just a test, not a game. I know from my experience when I learned to pass those so-called “bitch shield” tests the women I found underneath were far from immature.

          • fred Oct 8, 2013, 12:04 pm

            This is exactly what is meant by “playing a game.” There is no reason why a woman shouldn’t just be nice to me the way I am nice to others and the way she is nice to her friends and there is nothing preventing except a decision on her part not to be. I too learned to pass these tests long ago and it made me want even less to be involved with those women. It sets up a dynamic right from the beginning where their value is as a person is higher than mine and sets the tone for the entire rest of the relationship of “you are only worth something if I say so” Furthermore these “tests” don’t determine anything except which guys are willing to put up with shittiness from the girl. It’s really no different than if I asked you to pass a spelling test before I “let you” sell me a car THAT I WANT TO BUY.

  • funsized Apr 7, 2013, 11:27 pm

    Hmmmm now I know why the guys only stare at me without making any move. But staring too hard can cause women to feel uncomfortable, I always thought the guys have issues with me or detest me henceforth they kept staring

    • Peter White Apr 10, 2013, 3:18 pm

      I would say most guys or people in general won’t stare if they don’t like what they see or detest them. Granted some people are just plain rude.

      If you get the feeling men are staring at you because they don’t like what they see, it is often an internal thing. In other words you’re feeling self-conscious.

      Is there something about yourself or the way you look you don’t like?

      • funsized Apr 10, 2013, 8:25 pm

        Yeah ..I dont find myself pretty or attractive. Either they stare at my face or look at my legs. And one guy commented to his friend that I am leggy…I become even more self conscious. My legs are not nice to be stared at..

        • Peter White Apr 11, 2013, 9:42 am

          What do you like about yourself? What do you feel is your most physically attractive part of you?

  • funsized Apr 11, 2013, 9:52 am

    My eyes I love them, almond shaped. I have been complimented before that I have beautiful eyes

    • Peter White Apr 13, 2013, 9:07 am

      But do YOU love them or are you just going by how other people have mentioned how they look to you? Think about a time you felt like the sexiest woman alive. Maybe you were walking somewhere, maybe a guy was just about to kiss you, maybe you woke up that day feeling exceptional…

  • funsized Apr 14, 2013, 9:11 am

    Yes i love them truly , it is not because other mentioned to me. Sexist woman alive?Sometimes i did feel that I look pretty.

  • AbsolutelyTrue May 16, 2013, 11:26 pm

    many women are very hard to approach today since they will tell you to leave me alone, and i had this happen to me already. women are certainly a lot more nastier these days, and years ago it was much easier meeting a good one with the help of many families and friends that would introduce you to the one that they think would be right for you. my aunt and uncle have just celebrated their 65th year together, and i was there. that shows you how much different the women were years ago.

  • Sky Oct 6, 2013, 3:44 pm

    Do you not think that you just haven’t spoken to enough woman? My one mate said a similar thing, that he had been rejected SO many times – it ended up being 5. Now 20, 30 times, that’s a lot, there’s enough rejection there to build a theroy about nastyness on, but I don’t think every girl is nasty. I’m nice to everyone – literally, I just wish men would actually approach me! I go out with friends and I smile and laugh and men just stare and if I go up and talk to them they just mumble. I know I’m different looking, I’m small and have long black hair, green eyes and literally porclein white skin. For a long time I thought I was weird and odd because they stare and maybe slightly smile if I see them but turn away abruptly. Men staring and not saying anything makes a nice girl self concious. I’ve spent hours trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. I’m a c-cup, I don’t curse, I smile a lot and all I can think of is that they think I’m weird looking! Men should try talk and if you pick up a vibe that she’s a ‘bitch’, walk away!

    • Peter White Oct 7, 2013, 7:48 am

      Good point Sky and thanks for sharing.

      “Men staring and not saying anything makes a nice girl self conscious” which of course makes her future reaction much more unpredictable. Wouldn’t you agree?

      Hopefully you’ve come to the conclusion you’re not weird looking. You painted a pretty good picture from my point of view.

      Keep smiling Sky,


  • Michael Oct 16, 2013, 3:37 pm

    What Sky doesn’t realize is that it’s scientifically proven that guys are dumber when they meet a girl they like (look it up online, it’s no joke). It’s totally possible that those guys she mentioned were actually having a hard time breathing and deciding what to say, cut the guys some slack. You were self conscious because they were feeling self conscious with your presence. Kind of funny how that works.


  • Em Jul 29, 2014, 3:59 pm

    I think I’m dealing with a guy like this. He did the whole staring thing. I finally told him I liked him. Said he was taken aback, flattered, but values me as a friend. Ok. That was it right? Wrong.

    It’s been months of him giving me these tender stares, smiles, caresses and hand holding while I slept once. Yes. As a teenager he was rejected. A LOT. He was a “loser” I remember seeing him around and being the boy toy of girls he liked but just laughed at him.

    Anyways. I already told him how I felt. I don’t think it’s my job to do it again. Why hurt myself a second time around ? His words told me what I needed to hear and I chose to believe him. I don’t want him to say “I thought we talked about this already. We are just friends “

  • Peter White Aug 9, 2014, 10:46 am

    Hello Em,

    Guys like this may seem a little complicated to read but based on my experience he’s trapped in his own attraction.

    That means he’s either a little attracted to you but is looking ( actually hoping ) , dare I say it, a “10” will come along and erase the “loser” status he feels he has.

    He’s trapped himself in attracting a woman who might not even exist.

    It’s like this: Let’s say I have a friend I’m very close with but I’m not entirely convinced I’m feeling “physically” attracted to her. My eyes are elsewhere hoping the ones I consider “out of my league” will finally like me back.

    Not fair to you – that I understand. And revealing how you felt about him only made the situation worse. Unfortunately that happens often in cases like this.

    Most guys I know will always risk a friendship with someone they are highly attracted to and so I’m assuming when he says he “values it”, he’s just not feeling what you think he was AND his closeness to you is telling me you’ve become the object of every guy’s need to be emotionally intimate with the opposite sex.

    You’re right. I wouldn’t have that talk again. He needs to understand how all this closeness is hurting you BUT you must also do your part and get away from him – if you only want more and he’s stuck on getting someone else. ( Who may or may not exist. )

    I don’t now how affectionate he is but I do know he wouldn’t dare do those things with another guy unless he was gay. And if what he’s doing is hurting you or misleading you, then you have every right to walk away and find someone who likes being intimate with you in more than just a friendship way.

    This may not help but I do hope it’s cleared up some of the confusion you’re feeling.

    All the best to you Em,


  • Gawker Aug 17, 2014, 11:08 am

    Getting a woman into bed is more difficult than getting a man to the summit of Mt. Everest.

    I stare because women, like Mt. Everest, are beautiful but conquering it is near impossible so we men are left with just observing it.

    • Peter White Aug 27, 2014, 1:36 pm

      I thought that way for a while myself – so instead I just practiced on approaching shorter women. Even though I’m more attracted to taller “Everest” height women. Haha!

  • Then what? Mar 27, 2015, 7:25 pm

    Sometimes when I see a guy staring and if I get good vibes, I’ll smile at him they’ll usually smile back, but they still don’t always say anything. So my question is, if I’ve demonstrated I’m friendly and approachable with my body language and facial expressions, why wouldn’t they talk to me? Should I start a conversation when this happens and what would be a good way to do so?

    • Peter White Apr 7, 2015, 8:26 am


      I believe I’ve already explain why guys don’t approach. Perhaps this other one I wrote will pain a clear picture of what is going on in our heads.

      What Goes On Inside His Mind – From The Moment Of Approach And Beyond

      Then I would definitely read this one:

      Screw The Rule Of Who Approaches Who!

      I think you should start a conversation with ANY guy you’re interested in. Remember this though, it’s JUST a conversation. Hopefully it will be exciting and there will be some chemistry but you just never know.

      Some women are afraid they’re taking the lead if they start the conversation, or that it’s his “responsibility” to do the approach because it proves his confidence or it shows he’s interested BUT the first meeting, the first conversation, I feel is open for anyone to start.

      After that, depending on how it goes, yes it is definitely HIS game to proceed with and take the lead.

      The best way to approach ME is just some good soft eye contact, a pleasant “hello”, and then just talk. Yes, even approaching a guy like me is that easy. No pressure at all.

      IF you want more on that and how the conversation could go then please read this final one I wrote:


      It should help you “get out of your own way” so some magic is more likely to happen in the first few minutes.

      Hope that helps with your “then what?” :)


  • DreadfulAffliction Apr 2, 2015, 4:46 pm

    HEllo if this blog is still on Pete ..please answer me this

    So this guy was staring at me.not once but 65 times. we were at a college fair ( im not in colllege, he is) So he just kept on staring at me and kept passing by my side again and again.and once we made an eye contact it lasted for like 8 seconds until i looked down and i heard him sigh and make this weird confused face expression. Now you may think he likes me but thats not the case. BEcause he is in college and he is the most popular guy in his class, and his batchmates are hot as hell. And im not even prettty..

    and its been a year. and i pretty much forgot the whole thing and talked myself out of it that its just my illusion

    BUT I went to the college fair again this year, and again he did that staring thing. Pretty intense this time. I didnt have a crush on him before but the intensity of his stare pretty hit me. and now i cant stop thinking about him but it is too fatal because he is too much out of my league

    I want to know why he would stare at me?? should i read into this and text him on facebook ( which could end up an embarrassment maybe) or should i leave this??


    • Peter White Apr 17, 2015, 7:43 pm


      I think he was only staring at you 64 times. :)

      Guys have all sorts of preferences so I would see NO reason why he wouldn’t find you attractive.

      Me, I’m will almost check out a woman with an under-bite because I find that attractive. Why? Well I have a good guess but that doesn’t matter.

      What matters is something which may not be so obvious to you. Why would believe ANY guy might be out of your league and why you don’t think you’re pretty enough for him.

      I won’t make false promises and tell you he’s madly in love with you or that even things might work out, BUT I will say believing in yourself, your ability to attract, and NOT putting any guy you don’t know on a pedestal based on how you feel about yourself should come first.

      I’ll be honest, some women are probably out of my league, yeah I know (hmmphh) BUT you know why?

      NOT because of my looks or how I feel about myself, BUT because I will in all likelihood never be (or put) myself in a position to make any kind of connection with them.

      I realize it sucks to be rejected, to put yourself out there, but in the whole scheme of life (and like) I can practically guarantee you it’s best to take a little risk rather than let something gnaw at your mind for long periods of time.

      Give it a try and as long a you don’t predict, stay in the present, and avoid taking somebodies else’s choice personal… you’re going to feel better, different, hopefully less confused by making some sort of purely casual connection with him.

      That’s a long way of saying… say Hello. Start a conversation with him. Talk about something and if you can, do it in person because over Facebook is not always the best choice.

      And please, let me know how it works out.

      Yes, this blog is still on. 😀 Now go talk to him.


  • Summer Apr 16, 2015, 9:53 pm

    Hi Pete,

    I have the same problem like DreadfulAffliction.

    This guy, he would always give me a stare and when I caught him looking, he would look away. Now, we became acquainted because of a school club and he would say hi to me after that. I would reply and smile but I wouldn’t initiate. I was too shy and he made me feel uncomfortable since he’s a very good looking and easy going confident kind of guy. It has been 4 months and now, he’s been ignoring me but still staring. He would stand next to me but not talk to me anymore. He would stare at me from across the room but doesn’t wave hi or calling out my name like he used to do before which I find quite flattering. I feel emotionally depressed ever since.

    I don’t think he’s the shy type for he would swing his arm around me when he feels he has a reason to do so. A few weeks back, we had a banquet and he joined my table. He said hi without looking at me. Then later that night, he approached this girl we shared our table with and I couldn’t bare it, I turned my back at them. I felt betrayed and reprimanded myself that I had been delusional all this while.

    But now, he’s doing the staring game again, standing next to me and all that ignoring thing. He would join my team, would talk to my teammates but not to me. I know that he could feel me staring at him, waiting for him to at least recognize me, but he wouldn’t.

    I don’t know what to do, Pete. I tried to approach him but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I feel a massive surge of shyness overcome me whenever I tried to. If he truly likes me, if a guy totally into a girl, he would do whatever it takes to get her, right? Especially him, with his confidence and easy demeanor with girls?

  • Parker Apr 25, 2015, 2:05 pm

    I think many of us girls have this problem of forming a crush on a really attractive guy whom we feel is out of our league completely. It’s been interesting reading everything you said Pete. For me, in many past instances guys have stared a lot but not have ANY attraction/feelings/anything romantic towards me. Guys are confusing, us girls – no matter how we perceive ourselves, we know a hot guy when we spot one. And while we know there are many better looking girls than us. Just the physical part.. We ask ourselves why an attractive guy would rather stare at us, when he has a pool of bikini body chicks to go for.

    So I question what you said… are we really sure that a guy likes what he sees just because he is staring at a girl?

    I also spotted this really attractive, 10/10 guy. I just admired him from a distance for like a week.. I can be impulsive and when I want to do something I do it. Have approached guys before. In some instances it worked and some it didn’t.  But I am super nervous around this guy.. I know I am pretty. I’m not gonna put myself down for a guy. But he is hot. Like super attractive. And it makes it harder for me to see myself be close or part of his life in a romantic way. He is a twin and before I had this crush on him, I couldn’t even tell them apart. Now I suddenly can. We often have moments of looking at each other, one day he even turned his head as I walked by.. as I walked – his head turned. And when I looked back at my friends behind me, I could see his eyes still on me. We got introduced that afternoon by a mutual friend and he smiled and we spoke a little. But it wasn’t a one on one conversation, which is what I wanted.

    From this point onwards, I need advice on what to do… to keep it casual but get his attention and make an impression. I want to do something/make a move without him feeling like it was I who actually initiated it. Because he can be super shy and quiet. That also makes me think… how can he be super hot and shy? His twin brother is talkative though.

    But any advice please… It would help

    • Peter White Jul 21, 2015, 7:30 pm

      HEllo Parker, you wrote this…

      “We ask ourselves why an attractive guy would rather stare at us, when he has a pool of bikini body chicks to go for.”

      Well first of all, most guys don’t want the supposed hottest girl in the room. The want someone real, possibly with flaws, possibly more approachable, and definitely because they don’t feel like they could ever get the hot girl in a bikini anyways.

      I know that last part sounds awful, like they’re just settling for you, and you have every right to believe it BUT when it comes down to it, men will rarely settle for a woman once he gets to know her just because other guys find her attractive.

      Personality and lots of other things do matter.

      I’m not saying they won’t accept casual sex from them, just that in order to follow through to a relationship, a pretty face with a hot body does NOT play as big a role as you might believe. ( Within reason of course because honestly, to some guys the “moped” theory does apply… Fun to ride but doesn’t want anyone to see him doing it.)

      Okay no, you can never be sure at first but that’s come along with it. A guy is also not sure he’ll be rejected.

      We all take certain risks when it comes to dating and I honestly believe most of us are strong enough to survive that risk.

      Yes, make an impression. First ones are highly important.

      Always keep it casual at first. There’s less pressure on both of you that way and you don’t ever want a guy thinking or believe he has to act a certain way… just so you’ll like him.

      There’s no way to assure how he’s going to see your first move. That usually depends on his confidence and experience with women.

      Keep it lighthearted. Feel him out. Give him the opportunity to get over his shyness.

      You just have to open the door a little and the right guy will gladly finish what you started without ever thinking badly of you.

      If they do, or become freaks about it, or become extremely egoistic over it… then that’s just a good time to say goodbye to another fool then anyways… right?

      Hope that helps out and all the best to you,


  • jass May 17, 2015, 7:21 am

    Hi pete
    I have this guy in my class. We are doing the same course and we know each other for 2 years. In the starting of the course we were not knowing each other like he didn’t exist for me, but after some time in the middle of first year I felt like he feels shy when around me, like looking from the corner of this when we are sitting together in the class. I even caught him sometimes looking at me but then he suddenly look away. But now we have started saying hi to each other and how we are but nothing more than that. First I feel I may have mistaken that he is looking at but it happens like many times. He talk to every girl in the class but never me, sometimes he joins when we are having group conversation but he never interrupt me but in others’ case he do. I even tried to talk to him on Facebook like asking some help to start a conversation, he helped me but when I said thank you he didn’t reply me afterwards. I’m a really shy kind of person so i can’t approach him more than this. It’s really irritating me why he talks to others but reply me only with a yes or no. He sometimes look at me but I can’t say that I’m pretty sure he is checking out me (coz I don’t want to interpret it in my own way, it can be by chance looking). What I’m really worried about is why he go silent around me on the other side he talk to everyone in class.

  • A nice girl May 31, 2015, 6:31 am

    So I’ve come across this post as once again yesterday it happened the second time that I kept exchanging looks with a guy at a club. He was there with a couple so felt a bit like a fifth wheel. I consider myself pretty even though I wouldn’t think I’m a “10” according to the media “standard”. I am however a nice girl with a decent job.
    So after at least an hour of exchanging looks I found a reason to dance closer to him. There he was next to me… I told my friend I liked him, and she observed him constantly looking at me dancing when I wasn’t looking. Now there I was making a slight move, and believe me I am shy and afraid of rejection too, but he wouldn’t say anything… And I’m not the kind of girl to jump on a guy. And then after at least a couple of hours of admiring me a girl came up to him and danced at him. Jumping right into him and they started a conversation… That for me was it. My friends and I took our stuff and went to a different part of the club where he was out of sight. I was devastated. I never had such a feeling only by exchanging looks… Then when we decided to leave we were outside being spoken to by a not so handsome guy. Bless him he seemed very nice and we had a brief nice conversation. Then suddenly the guy and his friends past us! They left too. We finally walked past them, we exchanged some more looks, and when I turn around to look one more time I see him looking after me… And this (not in this extend) happens to me very often. Exchanging looks, me smiling at them, and suddenly another girl comes up to them. So tell me guys: why has it become such a problem if a girl likes to be approached? Do I have always make a move even if I’m giving clear signals? Yes you might get rejected. Trust me even I get rejected. But you fall and you stand up again. Don’t wait for a girl to approach you because then you might never get the nice pretty smart girl you desire… What have I done wrong yesterday? I still think of his face and regret not having said anything…

    • Peter White Jun 7, 2015, 6:56 am

      Unfortunately or not, guys like to be approached by women in clubs. It boosts their Ego. Makes them look cool. It enhances their “attractiveness” in the peering eyes of the other women they’re checking out or blatantly staring at. It also makes their job easier and like you said, avoids the prospect of being rejected.

      No, you don’t always have to make a move but maybe sometimes you do because what seems like a clear signal to you is not always clear to the guy and you too, could miss out on a wonderful guy for sometimes a small miscommunication, bad timing, or another girl is willing to meet a guy half way or go even further than that.

      That girl did what you refused to do and got a conversation going with him because of it.

  • Lisa Jun 8, 2015, 3:11 pm

    I’ve come across this situation a few times. It was understandable in the younger years because boys are stumbly ….don’t know how, don’t know what to say. When they are adults it’s a different story. I liken it to, more times than not, the man not being available. It plays with your mind and it’s not fair. They will stare at you and clearly they are interested, you make eye contact back (acknowledgment), but nothing happens. They do not make a move. Other times, they stare, you acknowledge and may even make it a little easier on them and go up and talk to them. Still nothing happens, they don’t take it a step further and ask you out/your number…..nothing. They are nothing but creepers who like to gawk at women, but can’t do anything about it because they are already taken…..in a relationship or even married.

    • michael Jul 11, 2015, 10:21 am

      No this isnt the case, i do this,, I was very very handsome and women used to give me a lot of signals but because I have aspergers my social skills were zero, its very upsetting to the man far more than it is for you because you will find someone and they will not. Its like this, if your shy with a very low self esteem you still get rejected by women who like you A LOT, in fact no matter how much a woman likes you, if your self esteem is so low you will alwysa get rejected, so its just men with incredibly low self esteem, feel sorry for them, they will be alone forever.

      • Peter White Jul 20, 2015, 5:24 pm

        So yu’re saying Michael that only guys go for women with low self-esteem and only women reject men with low self-esteem. I find that hard to believe.

        And I have known several shy guys with Aspergers who had extremely high self-esteem because they learned to not judge themselves by how others see them. One because they were terrible at determining that anyways, and two because self-esteem is not determined through social interactions alone. Sure it can play its part but its small and must not be considered even part of the self-esteem building process.

        It seems to me you’re judging your worth by the fact that women gave you signals because you were handsome and no other reason. Which to me says a lot about how you feel about the shallowness of women WHICH once women sense that, will rarely give you a chance.

        Yes. Social skills can be important in attraction BUT communication or how you communicate yourself is by far the biggest determination of whether or not women will feel attracted to you.

        Give women a chance to experience that communication and experience a deep level attraction and your social skills will mean squat to her. Well at least the real women. Search for the shallow and you’ll find that pool is filled.

        Look beyond that shallow end, accept what you have is not limiting your self-esteem, communicate to women the best you can attractive qualities beyond social skills, and you’ll find a whole different world filled with women who will stick by your side.

        Just my fifty cents there :)


  • The Unsure Ingenue Jul 6, 2015, 1:41 am

    Hi Pete,

    I just stumbled upon this website because this has been plaguing me for decades. I’m in my mid-30s. I’m not a gun-shy teenager. Actually, when I was, I used to approach guys all the time and they’d ALWAYS shoot me down for one reason or another (usually because they were teenage boys and, therefore, dolts, who always wanted the super hot girl.) Or I got friend-zoned (as an adult, too.) I’ve always been told I’m cute/adorable by members of both sexes, and it’s an assessment I think is pretty accurate. I don’t play games or make guys pass any tests, but maybe that makes me boring or something (because you guys supposedly love the chase, right?) I’m fun, bubbly, intelligent, funny, and I THINK I give off decent vibes, but men never approach me. NEVER. It always makes me feel like, “What’s cute compared to “hot’?” and makes me wonder if there’s something I’m doing wrong.

    I was at a concert yesterday and saw a guy that I was attracted to a couple of rows up from me. He was with his friend and his friend’s girlfriend. He was just an average dude, but I thought he was cute (that’s sort of my type in general, actually). It was an all-day event so we had most of the day to check each other out. I think we noticed each other about halfway through. He saw me dancing at one point and kept looking at me. When I couldn’t see it, I could feel it, so we were doing that cute little “I look at you and look away and you look at me and look away though we never look at each other” dance for a while. I left for a little bit to procure some food for my friend and I and when I came back, I looked over at him and he was staring at me. Hardcore. No smile or anything, just straight up “I’m devouring you” staring. We locked eyes for about 5-10 seconds before I got really intimated and looked away. And I couldn’t smile because I felt frozen. He barely looked at me the rest of the night and ended up leaving without ever coming near me.

    This is not a one-time deal. This is usually how it goes. I have no idea how to handle these situations and I guess I’m chalking this one up to him not being interested (which is normally my end-game evaluation), which makes me feel less confident in these very situations. And when I think about the fact that I rarely get approached it makes me feel like A) No one ever appeoaches me because they’re not really interested in me and B) I wouldn’t know what to do if they did because it’s so unfamiliar to me. Sure, they stare. A lot. All the time. But then they go on about their day. Had this guy, or any of the others for that matter, actually given me some kind of indication that they seem/ed interested in me other than just passing glances or stares – even just a smile -I might actually approach them. But they don’t. They never do. I guess they’re weeding themselves out, but it’s still annoying.

    Am I giving off the wrong vibe? I’m not super confident (obviously – I mean look at my history), but I think I do an okay job of faking it sometimes. Am I intimidating and don’t know it? (A male former co-worker once told me I am and I never understood how I could be…)

    Insight would be helpful. If I’m doing something wrong, I’d like to know what it is so maybe I can work on it.


    • Peter White Jul 9, 2015, 5:04 pm


      It’s very hard for me to assess your situation because I’m not there watching you and taking notes on your “lack of interactions” with guys.

      What I DID notice about your recent concert was too much waiting, too much glancing, too much thinking, and not enough action.

      The longer you wait, the worse it gets for him and you. As you’re eyeing each other you’re both allowing way too much internal negativity to seep in and destroy a natural meeting to happen.

      If you’re noticing that this kind of thing happens a lot, then you must re-set yourself back to “act first” then figure out whether or not someone is interested in more. You can’t really judge a man’s real interest from afar, you can only judge or assume his lack of interest. Which could be happening in your case. You just can’t assume someone is not interested in you because they’re not approaching you.

      And never forget we’re talking about guys… from afar you want ATTRACTION first, then the interest comes. I’m not interested in a woman because I’m staring at her. I’m feeling physically attracted to her. I only become more interested in something more after we meet. Sure I can become interested in meeting her but that’s something a little different.

      Another thing is, guys rarely smile at women from a distance. I think it feels a little creepy to most of them… especially because it feels fake, or they don’t like their smile, or they know if they do, and you approach them, well then they’re going to have to man up and actually say something. So avoiding the smile is easier than just checking you out.

      Okay sure, you could be intimidating guys but trust me, that’s usually their hang up and not yours. ( unless you’re acting like a stuck up bitch, which I don’t think you are. :) )

      To me, an intimidating woman, at least where most guys crumble, is a huge turn on, a real challenge. And I know 99% of guys won’t even approach her anyways making my job all that much easier. And the few who do approach are tongue tied and twisted. In the words of Pink Floyd, earth bound misfits. Haha!

      My best advice I can give you is to first, of course, try some online dating and give it an honest attempt to get real results. Don’t just half-ass it and expect something real to turn up.

      Another thing would be again, to act first, then ask questions later. We’re talking about meeting people and starting conversation. Put NO emphasis on the outcome. You’re just starting a conversation with someone you don’t kno, nothing more. Avoid reading too far into. That should get you accustomed to meeting guys BEFORE the stare downs which frighten most men and women anyways.

      Third, go ahead and be honest about yourself and your situation. Cute and adorable does work for lots of guys. If you’re being friend zone, it has nothing to do with your looks. It could be the wrong guys you’re going for AND you’re making a mistake of becoming friends first, rather than charming and sexy and flirty and allowing a friendship to develop along the way.

      If all else fails, if you insist it’s because of how you look, give yourself a confident and sexy makeover and change your approach to meeting guys. As in online or in less than typical situations such as the cute guy behind you in line.

      If you want an honest opinion send me something like a picture on my Why Do Guys facebook and I’ll let you know what I think IF I feel it’s needed.

      Thanks for writing and I do hope some of this has given you the insight you were looking for,


  • Kati Jul 18, 2015, 10:28 pm

    A guy, who I find adorable, was staring at me quite a bit. I could tell because I could feel his eyes boring into my face. I am very shy with attractive men and the fact that he is so gorgeous really makes me nervous. I’ve caught him staring and when I met his eyes he would smile, blush and look away. Being that I’m shy and awkward with men, I had a very difficult time letting him know I find him attractive too. I say stupid things like I’m one of the guys, I’m aloof, then I ignore because I panic. One day, I was really nervous and despite his being within 3 feet of me I COMPLETELY ignored him. I didn’t even look up. I turned my head and slouched my body because my attraction was so intense. Since then, he seems to not care even though I feel like he is watching me from the corner of his eyes. When he speaks to me it’s VERY casual in tone and words. ie what’s up? I was so panicked that finally I gave in and asked his co-worker if I could speak to him. She went to the back, came back and said he’s cleaning up and he’ll be right out. I wanted to bail-out and run as fast as I could and never go back to that coffee house. Lord, it took NERVE for me to stay. Just a couiple of min later he ncame out and said. “what’s up?’ like I was nothing. I blithered and stuttered, ect and gave him my number, he looked at it and blushed and smiled. No call this entire week. I suspect he threw it out. I just act casual and do my thing and go back to being “aloof”. Am I insane? Am I crazy to think that he wants to know me? Am I disillusioned to think that my inaction and crazy mix signals has thrown him off? Do I have any hope of him still being interested?

    • Peter White Jul 20, 2015, 6:08 pm

      Kati, Kati, Kati, Kati…

      Listen, most men just do NOT know how to handle a nervous woman. They also will wait to contact you longer if you offered your number but didn’t get his.

      Some guys will take your nervousness or your actions as you are playing a game. THEY just don’t get it.

      Some will find it cute.

      Some will find it sexy like the shy librarian thing.

      And yes some guys will get turned off by it because they want a challenge and actually believe, just because you’re attracted to him, means they’ll get the green light the whole way. We both know that’s just not the case.

      You’re not crazy. You took a huge chance AND you pulled it off. To me, that’s more sane and you should be commended on it.

      Now just because he acted casual doens’t mean he’s not interested. WE teach guys to be so comfortable in their own skin if will feel casual to you AND so, you’ll probably become more entranced by it. ( Indifference and mystery combined is a powerful attraction trigger.)

      This sort of things happened to me a while ago BUT she made sure she got my number and followed through with contacting me. I suppose that is the only thing you did wrong here.

      Always exchange numbers so you don’t have to worry about the contact thing after.

      I wish I could tell you that he’s going to call. I just don’t know.

      What I do know is you can start using this triumph to overcome your awkwardness around men. Use it. You did it and the world didn’t collapse around you. The earth didn’t stop. And no one judged you harshly for taking a risk most won’t do themselves.


      It will be fine.

      Thanks for writing and please, if you remember, let me know if he contacts you or not. I’d love to know.


      • Kati Jul 20, 2015, 6:31 pm

        Thank you Pete! I am really touched at your insight and positivity. I am so relieved that my taking that leap was OK. My “friends” have such a bitter opinion of men but yet they always seem to be “boo-ed up”. I refuse to be bitter because of being disappointed. I continue to be friendly and continue my stride. I will let you know if he calls. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART! BTW, do you come in pocket size? I could use your wisdom on all things men…

        • Peter White Jul 21, 2015, 7:05 pm

          You’re welcome Kati.

          Don’t let the bitterness rub off on you. Trust me, us guys not only despise bitter women, we RUN from them. We all have our own reasons but I’d say the most popular reason would be that way too many guys believe women have it easier than guys do.

          And to answer your last question, sorry I come in one size only. Who knows maybe I’ll open a quick text messaging service to help women who might be, on the go. :)

          Again you’re very welcome,


          • Kati Aug 11, 2015, 7:09 pm

            Hi Pete! I’m just dropping you an update on my original comment. The guy I was coo-coo for never called. I was on vacay for a couple of weeks and have been back for a week. I haven’t seen him at the coffee house but that is just as well. I figure that if he had any interest in me he would have made himself known by this point. It’s disappointing but I’m pretty stoked that I stepped out of my comfort zone and gave it a go in regards to “Starbucks Barista Guy”. Thanks for the sounding board and support!!!

          • Peter White Aug 12, 2015, 10:14 am

            You’re welcome Kati and thank you for stopping back to let me know. I appreciate it.

  • diane Aug 11, 2015, 2:00 pm

    I work with a guy that has been staring at me somewhat up close and at a distance for awhile now. he is very attractive and athletic. me myself am the same. I can look at him and it just seems that we both have the same response. I smile at him at times and so does he. we have small conversations at work. and we tease each other as well. now he is staring more and I catch him at times and they are longer stares than normal. I am interested, but am afraid of the work place thing, because one of my close co-workers said to me that he notices that he and I have some attraction for each other. he is a shy guy. I am africian American and he is caucasion.to my knowledge, he has no one and neither myself. help me plz……. I just don’t know what to do or what direction to take or should I just leave this situation alone.

    • Peter White Aug 12, 2015, 10:26 am

      Hello Diane,

      Workplace dating seems to be a hazy area in the world.

      I see it happen a lot BUT I’ve avoided it mostly in my life because it tends to complicate things. It puts more stress on a possible break up. Add to that the financial situation and countless other variables.

      However if you must, it feels like he’s going to take it to the next level naturally which is what you can hope for.

      Just stay open to it, increase the chances, suggest to him other things you’re doing, actually do more than hint because guys tend to miss that shit. Haha!

      Remember what you’re doing IS working so keep it up. It does not have to be any more complicated than that Diane.

      All the best to you,


      • Diane Aug 12, 2015, 5:22 pm

        thanks Pete. I want to ask you what would you recommend I say to break the ice with this guy without the conversation being awkward or going in a totally wrong direction? when I try to approach him at work, there seems to always be worker’s showing up while I try to talk to him, or pass by slowly to see what is going on, or looking at us talking from a distance. I haven’t dated in about three years, and am feeling a little rusty and nervous. he has a very strong personality, dominate, but can also be very nice. I have the strong personality, but try to be more on the reserve side until I get to know a person. help, help…. staying optimistic!! thanks in advance!!

        • Peter White Aug 12, 2015, 8:22 pm

          Hello again,

          You wrote me this Diane, “we have small conversations at work. and we tease each other as well.” I believe the ice has already been broken.

          Remember you’re at work. Conversations tend to be shorter there anyways so there’s little time for it to get awkward. There’s also always going to be people around, people are going to see you. If you’re not willing to see past that risk, where could this possibly go anyways.

          People can be a pain in the ass when it comes to “hooking up” because they can add a little pressure but you just have to find a way to shut them out. Remember if they find your life more interesting than theirs or if have they have a problem watching what is going on, then that is THEIR problem. Try not to make it yours too.

          Don’t worry it about the wrong direction. It sounds like he knows what he’s doing so just let him be himself and I’m sure he’ll take care of leading the conversation. That’s why I said just be open, let it hapen, don’t get in your own way.

          Here’s some reading you can do to help you out and hopefully give you more ideas and more courage…

          I believe you’ll find the second third useful. It’s about being open and getting out of your own way.

          This is one of my favorites I always recommend:


          Here is a report from the great people at the Penguin Method. It’s filled with great conversation ideas and concepts. I think you’ll find it more than helpful but hopefully it will also give you some confidence the next time you talk to him.


          Based on my experience at work, if he is feeling attracted to you, you have absolutely nothing worry about. Plus the more he’s feeling it, the harder it becomes for him. He might even appear nervous, anxious, or a little jittery. Do NOT take these signs personally as a bad thing because they are not. It’s simply all him.

          Let me know how it goes and best of luck to you,


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