Hello again Ellie, before you go I have something for you… I’ve been thinking about your bookstore problem.
It made me think of how I overcame my nervousness around the “approach.” I considered all the advice I was given. All the tips and tricks which were so easily passed on to me.
I even contemplated and researched “overcoming social anxieties” because like me, way too many people suffer from it – at least when they’re dealing with the attractive urges.
I studied the difference between real fears which prove to be helpful – like you SHOULD be afraid of getting hit by a car because it’s probably going to cause you real physical harm. The “ouch” factor of touching a hot stove.
And how we feel the same “emotional collapse” or “drawback” when there’s nothing physical at risk. Such as rejection from someone we’re admiring from afar.
From there I ventured into our family life. How if we’re brought up in a trusting environment where we feel safe – we’re less likely to suffer from a fear of rejection thus negating any nervousness in the future.
How if we come from, or live in , or are brought up in a social setting where trusting others may not be beneficial to our survival we’re more likely to close off causing the nervousness to expand when we come in close proximity to those we’re even slightly sexually attracted to. (I’m trying to keep this all relative to the specific area.)
The truth of all that was – the knowledge I took from it – did NOTHING to ease the anxiety of the approach that was meant to “go somewhere.”
As I’m sure most people feel or felt the same way. Sure, we begin to understand where the problem came from. Sure we can see how absurd the nervousness is.
It’s become easy to make the connection from rejection to how confidently we feel about ourselves and how our internal talks with ourselves takes us out of the present and into a future mindset causing us to let those precious moments pass by.
I recall a forty-foot drop off a cliff when I was younger.
I remember how scared I was making that first plunge into the cold still black water below.
As I watched in marvel how some guys took the risk without blinking an eye and realizing with a good jump and the ability to swim, which I had both, I was more likely to get hurt climbing up to it then I was at jumping from it.
I remember a train bridge which wasn’t meant for us to cross.
There were no handrails.
Only even spaced railroad ties showing the roughly hundred feet of space to the hard water below.
Crawling across on my hands and knees made me feel safer.
My heart beated a little slower.
Seems to me at some point I realized all I had to do was walk step by step, ( hell I could even slip and be okay ) and then I thought – Well I know how to walk!!
I was more likely to get hurt slipping on the rocks which covered the open tracks on land and not the barren ties on a bridge which gave me nothing to trip on whatsoever.
Which brings me to this – since there is no real danger in just talking to someone… and gathering all this knowledge or tricks or tips only adds to the thoughts we have making our mind go 100 mph just before the “real” approach…
It kind of makes me wonder if all this information we feed ourselves only makes the approach worse?!
It makes me wonder what kind solution exists.
I mean, here you have this Irish girl who looks when you yell “Ellie!” and probably smiles when you offer her a shot.
She “pretends” to read more than she does 🙂 Likes her card stamped. 😉
And here you have this guy… probably dying to meet a smart woman with as much passion as he does.
He stays at his job five ( more or less ) days a week.
Likes to stamp cards because apparently, it feels good to make little holes in paper assuring a second, third, or fourth visit.
Who knows, maybe his purpose in life is to just get people to read more.
Like jumping off a cliff into the water below, or walking across a Trestle the key to getting over the fear is by NOT over-thinking about the problem, the outcome, and all the what-ifs and what-nots…
It’s about trusting in ourselves to perform one or two simple skills which probably already exist in the first place.
That’s how I did it.
I started with those who I didn’t “feel” anything for because “attraction” has a way of making us doubt ourselves and the skills we already have.
Kind of like a “slight” of hand” move where your mind is tricked into seeing it something more than it is – a friendly, flirty conversation which “Ellie” has already proven to me – She can even perform with a man like me. 😀
In the world of approach, obviously if you have no “attractive conversational” skills then obviously it’s going to be impossible to trust a certain skill.
If I hadn’t learned to jump far or swim confidently I would have nothing to trust when I jumped from shale cliffs.
But if you already have the skills needed to do something, or anything, then you must effectively teach yourself how to trust those skills where the fear or anxiety is giving you the old “slight of mind” tricking you into believing the danger is real.
When you know it’s not.
You have eyes – then trust they know how to look into someone’s eyes for a mere second or two.
You have a voice – then trust it knows how to make a sound (quietly or not) when you push out a few words to make sentences.
You have a smile – then trust when someone makes you feel good or even when you feel nervous inside – it knows what to do – it knows how to lighten the mood or light up a room.
You have a simple goal here.
Take a man out of a comfortable place where he feels all too safe to hide – Then trust you DO know how to make that happen.
And trust he WANTS that to happen.
Sure you can try all the silly games and tricks if it helps to break the ice but why not let the attraction both of you are feeling take care of that for you.
Trust “attraction” knows what to do when it’s time.
Think of your very first kiss and how it felt just before it happened.
Imagine if it didn’t give you butterflies.
Imagine you didn’t feel anything at all.
Think of how lame it would’ve been if that were the case.
So let attraction shine its very important skill but don’t let it fool you into believing the outcome is real, because it’s not.
Whats real is the present and no matter how you look at it, it’s the only real place you can ever be at any given moment, in any give place.
Trust the present. Trust your skills. Then trust attraction knows what to do – make you feel goooooood!
Then the waiting man behind the counter ( for others – the girl passing you by – the checkout cutey who blushes when you speak – the smiling one secluded by her friends – the one who hides her face at the bus stop with her – the man on the phone who dialed the wrong number – etc… etc… etc…)
Well when they meet someone who is there (only) to pass on this shaken but not broken confidence just to see what happens and revel in attraction’s feeling…
No matter what happens you’ll walk away stronger, smarter, and looking forward to a second chance to feel it all again and again and again.
Now if after all this,