Approach anxiety sucks. The nervousness. The sweaty palms. The increased heart rate thumping through your chest.
Some of us go completely blank. Some of us break down what we’re going to say but by then it’s too late, she passes us by.
We see her from far away. She’s beautiful and glides towards us like she was walking on air.
She walks by slowly but not one word can make it from our brain to our mouth.
The moment passes by just as quickly as it came. The missed conversation or meeting is in the past and then, as some cruel joke played on us, what we could have said becomes so freaking obvious – we scream it inside your head
“Why didn’t I say that???!!!”
Maybe later that night we decide “No more!!!! I won’t let another woman pass me by without approaching her. I’m going to get this handled TONIGHT once and for all!”
There has to be a way to find a “line” which will work for us.Some way to break it down logically to give us all at least half a chance to start a conversation without having it feel like we’re just trying to pick her up.
Breaking Down The Approach – How To Find The Pickup Line That Works For You?
We get our pens out and start writing our approaches down. At night, when we’re alone, we’re willing to try anything even something we read on some pickup log somewhere.
The first “new attitude” hour passes and we can’t believe how easy it is. We now have firepower… Any woman would love to meet us now. We’ll show her!
The next day becomes “go time” and just as the first hot women comes towards us our brain decides to remind us…
“Slow down. Relax. Think of everything you learned. She’ll like you and if not who cares. Relax. Deep breaths. We can do this! She’s only a woman. Blah blah blah blah…”
APPROACH TIP: Don’t just write some common “openers”, write out every excuse or reason you failed to act.
Here are some examples:
- The situation wasn’t right.
- She was walking too fast.
- She was with too many of her friends and I freaked out.
- She gave me a dirty look.
- My mind went blank.
- I didn’t feel confident enough.
Have you ever noticed that even when we write down everything and prepare ourselves the best we can on what to say we still chicken out?
How we talk ourselves out of it quicker than a passing women which only takes a few seconds?
This is because our “window of opportunity” is always smaller than our list of excuses and in that critical moment when we have to act our past experiences rush into your present state of mind.
Instead of acting in the moment our mind decides to give us a defeated glimpse of the future based on all our experiences (or lack of experience) from the past.
Making it impossible to give her our present!
Think about what happens to the flow of our conversation when we’re thinking about what to say. That is called future-living. When we’re thinking about the “openers” we wrote down the night before we’re living in the past.
What about this…
How is all this different than talking to a friend when everything seems to flow so naturally without any work at all?
We’re not worried about what to say. We’re not worried about what he or she thinks about us (normally at least.)
We’re not worried about making a good first impression. We’re not worried about making a mistake, fumbling our words, or having the conversation go dry. We have no agenda or goal in mind.
And when we’re talking to a friend there’s absolute not even the remotest chance of being rejected, are we?
The solution to this approach problem suddenly becomes so obvious, so natural, you wonder why our mind won’t allow it t happen in the first place.
When we’re talking to a woman for the first time our frame of mind must be close to how we would talk to an old friend. We also must commit to making that happen.
This is how we give her our present state of mind which os the most effective form of approach, anywhere, anytime, and at any place.
We will suddenly feel more free to let the conversation flow naturally. Our shoulders relax. Our neck loosens up. Our bodies might even stop shaking so much. Our facial expressions become more natural and less taught which leaves our mouth free and easy to work the way it was designed to.
When we give her “that” present we’ll also do this to hers:
Women are all about connecting with a man. A woman will also start to relax because you are relaxed.
The problem is a lot of guys do the reverse of this. They start talking AT a woman (instead of WITH her), and then they start looking for body language clues from her.
They think things like “What does her body language say? or “Her arms are folded. What does that mean?” The problem is that you’re viewing things in the wrong way and the wrong order.
You are the leader, and you need to lead by example. What I mean is that when you go and talk to a woman, her body language most often is going to follow yours.
So if your body language is strong and shows interest in her, then her body language is going to follow yours and reflect signs of interest in you. If your face is engaged – you’re smiling and your eyes are focused in on her eyes – and you are paying real attention to her, then her body language will follow yours.
When you are able to give her your present and your body responds accordingly, you will begin to notice how she begins to follow you.
Let get back to the present…
We’re NOT thinking about the outcome or if we’re screwing something up.
Our thoughts are only about connecting with a “person” and not just some hot body. Someone who caught our eye enough for us to want to know more about her. That’s all!
Give her a window of your attention, gain her interest, and leave her wanting to know more and of course a way to get in touch again.
Tip one of approaching women is – Give her our present by actually staying in the present ourselves.
Taking in everything around us and letting it permeate inside us.
Paying attention in the moment and not just letting it slip away.
Not worrying about what to say. Te ultimate goal is just connecting with her in that precise moment we have the opportunity to do so.
Giving her “a guy” who is in a present state of mind and then taking her there with us.
This is our window of “attention”.
We gain her interest by being interesting ourselves and then by being genuinely interested in her.
This is not hard to do and it’s something we can always work on ( presently and not by writing stuff down the night before ) because it has nothing to do with dating and attraction. It’s about connecting with “people”.
All we have to do next is to “exit her present” and leave her wanting to know more.
We then Become her FUTURE and a fun relaxed experience from her PAST and she WILL remember us distinctly as one of the few guys she’s ever met who were able to do that so effortlessly.
Here is Tip Two on Approaching Women
Tip one on Approaching Women was about giving her our present.
It was about staying within the moment and not letting our fear of the future or regrets from the past and disqualify us (being rejected) before we even utter a single word.
Tip two is a cool little trick I’ve personally used to ease my approach anxiety.
We’re going to get a some help from Bill… Murray that is.
Yes, tip two is also about what exactly we can do to increase our chances of success when meeting any woman, anytime, anywhere.
So let’s get to it quickly…
Have you ever seen the movie “Meatballs“?
It’s a classic comedy about a few men and women who are more than typical camp counselors. They’re always playing tricks. Having fun. Getting drunk.
Bill Murray is the leader of the group and he has perfected the cocky funny routine. Well at least the characters he plays has.
If we’re struggling to develop our confident slightly cocky and funny style we can always turn to Bill (in most of his earlier movies) to see exactly how it’s done.
But this is not about him it’s about a scene which has stuck in my mind for decades now.
Everyone in the movie is feeling like a bunch of losers. They are on the losing end of a battle with the “rich camp” from the other side of the river. The mood in the room is miserable and depressed. The “richer side” always win and it’s frustrating to even compete against them.
This is where Bill’s character steps up and gives a speech to inspire and motivate his team. What he said is not important but the ending is.
He manages to rally his team with four magical words which will help ease your approach to women.
“It just doesn’t matter.” “It just doesn’t matter!” “It just doesn’t matter!!” “It just doesn’t matter!!!”
Keep those words fresh in your mind because I’m going to get back to them.
For now I want you to imagine you’re walking around a mall and you see two hot women coming your way.
Quick… what are you going to say? I’ll give you only a second to think about it.
Oops… Too late. They’re gone.
Those few seconds cost you the approach. The girls are already walking behind you living in their present and not yours. In their world you are now just another face they may or may have not even noticed anyways.
Next imagine this…
A woman is shopping at the end of the aisle. She’s looks amazing, happy, and approachable too. As you walk past her she notices you and looks down quickly. As if she’s saying,
“Please don’t talk to me!”
How do you approach her? You haven’t even said a word and she is already rejecting you.
How are you going to start a conversation with her?
But this time you’re not getting those few seconds because I already said it’s too late anyways.
But did you say anything?
What thoughts crossed your mind?
When she walked past and out of your view what clever opening did you THEN come up with?
Did you take a mental note of your cleverness only to forget about it the next time you see a hot woman?
A “bonus Approach Tip: If you’ve missed your chance there’s no need to get depressed about it. Learning from your failures is a great way to assure success next time. If you in fact had come up with something you felt would be a great opener, put it in your phone or write it down before you never forget it.
Here’s another scenario…
You’re at a concert and you notice an old friend you have not seen in years. As soon as both your eyes meet, there’s a very small pause before you both realize you each other.
“Hey. Jerry. Man I haven’t seen you in years. How have you been doing?”
This leads into a long discussion about what you both have been up to. You check each other’s phone to update the information and then you get back to your social group.
Let’s look back at those three situations and how one led to a conversation and the other two passed you by or made you feel like you screwed it up.
You do not know the women walking in the mall so immediately you’re trying to come up with something clever to say.
You’re worried the woman in the market was giving you a clear and preemptive “NO” to talk to her. Your mind will suddenly give you a ton of reasons why she would not want to talk to you anyways even though you have no idea what she was really thinking or what her excuse was for looking down.
The old friend you remembered caused no anxiety. The words came out of your mouth with no problems at all because yes, “It just didn’t matter.”
It did not matter what you said because:
- There was no pressure to attract.
- You already knew this person as being an old friend.
- You didn’t spend time thinking about what to say.
- You didn’t spend time coming up with all the reasons he would not want to talk to you.
So why did you put pressure on yourself to attract the women walking in the mall?
Was it really that important?
Is it really going to make such a huge difference in your life if one, you fail to attract her, two you don’t open successfully, and three you get them talking but you were not sure if they felt even a little attraction towards you?
Let me ease some of that pressure you are feeling about trying to attract her.
First of all the harder you try to attract her the less your mind will be in the present and you’re less likely to create attraction. That goes for everybody you meet.
STOP worrying so much about creating attraction because yes, “It Just Doesn’t Matter.” and only makes it even more difficult.
All you really have to do is be interesting, give her or the group of women you’re approaching your present state of mind, pay attention to who you are talking to, and make her or them want to see you again. That’s it.
I’m serious. No tricks. No games and definitely no mind hypnosis.
Think about this…
Your confidence, your body language, how you speak to her, and very little of what you actually have to say will create the right amount of attraction and only as much as the moment will allow.
In other words I can guarantee you if you’re pressuring yourself to get a woman to sleep with you within the first few minutes, if you’re thinking “if I don’t blow her mind she will never blow me, then you’re fooling yourself.
No reasonable man can ever get any “aware woman” to have sex with him in he first three minutes of meeting her and honestly do you want a woman who would do that anyways. I hope not. I’ve been told you’re nice but hey I could be wrong.
There is a thing called Seven Second Seduction but it’s not what you think it is. Click on that and you’ll see the difference.
Back to Bill and his merry band of misfits, or otherwise known as “Meatballs”
Hey… I understand it IS a movie and in the movies the underdog almost always wins. Of course the Meatballs find a way to overcome their lack of self-esteem and triumph in the end with a little help from guy named “Rudy the Rabbit” otherwise known as Chris Makepeace… yeah that’s his name.
But the message is clear and we CAN use it in our lives specifically when approaching or attracting women.
It Just Doesn’t Matter! If you’re not interesting to other people embrace the “meatball” inside you and learn to love being different in your own interesting way.
I’m not talking about “being yourself” and screw them if they don’t like you, that’s different.
I’m saying stop thinking other’s have an advantage over you because of who they are or what they were born into.
I’m saying create an identity that is all your own and embraces your strengths.
Stop comparing other people strengths against what you feel are your weaknesses.
Compare yourself and your success to no one but you!
It Just Doesn’t Matter! She’s not going to sleep with you in three minutes or less and despite the hype there are not three questions to ask her to get her to do so. There’s no pressure to attract her and pressuring anyone to feel something for you actually works against you.
It Just Doesn’t Matter! If you fail miserably, look like a fool for trying, or if she won’t even stop to talk to you, or even if she puts her nose in the air and avoids you…who really fucking cares!
If you can not break her out of her present to enter yours then trust me it was not going to happen anyways. Why waste our valuable time on this planet and it’s pointless to believe it has anything to do with us anyways.
We just never know what may have happened that day, in her life, or what caused it to happen.
It Just doesn’t Matter! Forget what you’ve learned about attraction and learn to connect with your unique style of communication. Leave them wanting to know or see more of you.
It Just Doesn’t Matter! Your prediction of the future will never make it come true no matter how bad you want it. Your reflection on the past will never change what happened unless you grow really old and forgetful. ( Within reason of course because if you’re making a lot of mistakes you may want to try something different. )
It Just Doesn’t Matter! – Indifference is not tangible. You can not claim indifference and suddenly every woman wants you.
It’s a culmination. An attitude.
It’s a way of approaching life.
It doesn’t matter how hard you try.
I’ve been taught if something is not working trying it even harder won’t make a difference. If you want to become indifference approach life as a cool and charming man and stop letting other people, especially women affect you personally before you even get to know them.
It Just Doesn’t Matter! I’ve been shot down. Turned down. Belittled. Embarrassed.
I’ve been told I’m too short, too old, too ugly…hell I’ve even had one woman call me crazy for mentioning how she wanted to sleep with my boss. She said I accuser her of it because I wanted her.
Sure, I DID want her and yes, she WAS sleeping with the boss but in her world I was crazy because all I wanted to do was to make her feel attracted to me and I used every trick in the book to do so. None of which changed anything because in the end – none of it really mattered.
It Just Doesn’t Matter! – How you think she sees you is only a reflection of how you see yourself.
If you can not see yourself succeeding in any approach or conversation or connection and then step into that person how is anyone else going to see it too.
“If you meet more women, you get more phone numbers. If you get more numbers, you get more dates. If you get more dates, you get more practice. You get more success. You get more girlfriends and more… you know. Action.
All that matters of how you see yourself and if you don’t like it – change it – tweak it- reinvent yourself until you DO like what you see.
It Just Doesn’t Matter!
- Stop worrying about creating attraction.
- Tell yourself it just doesn’t matter right before the approach to distract your mind from going in the past or living too far in the future.
- Be a “Meatball.” Be the underdog that succeeds. Yeah I said to be a “Meatball” Not to be confused with being a goofball or a jerk. It means “so what you’re different or you weren’t born with advantages.” Make your own advantages and succeed despite of it all.
- Leave her wanting to know more and see more of you by being an interesting person who is genuinely interested in getting to know her.
- Show her you’re confident enough to approach, walk like you’ve done it a thousand times, and stop putting all the emphasis on whether or not she’s going to like you.
Tip two on approaching women is about cultivating an indifferent attitude.
It’s about being charming, cool, and different.
But mostly it’s about having the courage to not care so much how you really matter to her because otherwise…