Written by Carol Allen.
If you’re with a guy that drives you absolutely crazy much of the time, then welcome to love.
It may not be necessary to dump him ( or kill him – in fact, please don’t! ).
There’s a way to be happy with him anyway – if you know what to do to bring out his best, and lead the way to a great relationship.
Have you ever had a man do stuff that you were just sure meant he didn’t love you?
Stuff like, not going to see the movies you wanted to…
Not joining you and your friends for special occasions…
Not participating much in your holiday festivities…
Not wanting to eat any of your healthy home- cooked meals, no matter how long you slaved over them, preferring instead to go buy nasty fast food fare…
Well, if you think a relationship like this sounds DOOMED, then I have to come clean about something…
I just described MY relationship. (Gasp! Choke! Guffaw!…)
That’s right – my hubby and I have several areas of HUGELY challenging, incompatible, painful disagreement, that for years led me to feel he didn’t really love me.
I mean, come on.
If he really loved me, then he’d want to be with me as much as he could, even if it was to watch a sappy romantic comedy or English period piece involving lots of corsets and carriages, right?
If he really loved me, he’d want to be there when the friends I loved most got married… or had baby showers… or big birthdays, right?
If he really loved me, he’d make an effort on holidays, and put up with my family, and go to our gatherings and celebrations, right?
If he really loved me, he’d at least pretend to like my miso soup, brown rice surprise, and seaweed souffle, right?
These issues have nothing to do with how he feels about me.
How do I know?
Because he’s FORCED me to believe that…
I know because relationship research tells me so. And not just any relationship research.
In fact, the most scientific, rigorous marriage study ever done ( in over a twenty-five year period by the Gottman Institute in Seattle, Washington ) says something crazy amazing…
It says that ALL COUPLES – boring ones, romantic ones, friendly ones, volatile ones, you name it – ALL have TEN TO TWELVE IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES that will never go away.
Hence the word, IRRECONCILABLE…
That’s a mouthful, sister.
That means EVERY couple you know or have ever heard of ( and all of those you don’t know and haven’t heard of ) that you imagine are so blissfully happy and easy together have TEN TO TWELVE aspects of their relationship that they essentially have to SUCK UP.
The key is, you have to find the person whose differences you can live with. That’s hugely important.
You have to get your most core, critical needs met in your primary relationship.
Please don’t suck those up… ( You’ll only turn into a seething ball of resentment if you do, making you both sorry! )
But when it comes to the stuff you’d PREFER worked between you, but you can live without, you gotta get over it…
All the begging, all the pleading, all the cajoling, all the crying, all the whining, all the cold shoulder, and all the couple’s therapy IN THE WORLD won’t get these things to change…
How do I know?
I tried them all… 🙂
But here’s the good news – knowing that no matter who you are with, there will be ten to twelve things you wish were different, means you don’t have to give up your perfectly fine romance to go find something perfect.
Because that’s what this study found – there is no one perfect.
And the idea of compatibility between two people is actually a MYTH.
Affinity, however, IS NOT.
Affinity is when you feel that a man GETS YOU.
When you have an INSTANT rapport.
When you laugh at each other’s jokes, and feel totally understood by one another.
It’s the thing that makes it so that when you’re together the time flies…
It’s when you are safe to do or say whatever you need, knowing that he can handle you even at your worst, and you can handle him.
It’s when a man’s very presence makes you feel comforted and soothed to your core.
Now that’s the stuff of great romance. And I have to come clean again… I just described MY relationship.
So, really – who cares that he doesn’t want to see the movies I want to see?
Who cares that he misses a few parties (when he knows I’m a super outgoing extrovert who has a great time whether he’s there or not…)
Who cares that he doesn’t go to the candle lighting ceremony on Christmas Eve?
Who cares that he doesn’t like brown rice? Not me… Because every day is like Christmas when you have the kind of support and connection that good affinity brings.
So, what can you do to get over your ten to twelve areas of problem with a man?
First, STOP thinking they have anything to do with whether or not he loves you.
Consider that perhaps it’s not personal – and that he has needs, too.
When I learned my husband’s brother died around the holidays when he was a kid which is why he goes into a “special occasion funk” and that his parents NEVER had shared friends, or any social life whatsoever, it helped me get over my wounded ego – A LOT.
Then figure out what your CORE, CRITICAL needs are – what you absolutely require to be happy in a relationship.
And see if you can get THAT STUFF. Everyone’s are different. Truly.
Some people can go without a lot of affection, though most of us can’t.
Some couples do fine without having children, though most people want them.
Some couples want to spend a lot of time separately, while that would be unimaginable to lots of people… There are no “absolutes” here.
Your needs are your needs – and you’re entitled to them. But try to get clear about the differences between your NEEDS and your PREFERENCES.
And between COMPATIBILITY and AFFINITY…
And see if you can get over some of your constant disappointment.
And then try something truly outrageous… Try accepting him just the way he is.
Try letting him NOT BE in trouble anymore for wanting something different than what you want.
The amazing thing is, once you STOP resisting what he wants, he’ll stop resisting what you want.
And he may just start giving you what you want.
How do I know?
Because now my hubby does all the things I used to wish he’d do.
Now when we have parties it’s usually his idea.
Now he’s super into holidays… ( that only took ten years! 🙂
Now we spend tons of time with my family ( we’re even going on vacation with them this very weekend. It’s truly a miracle…)
Because I gave up trying to MAKE him be who I wanted him to be.
I started seeing that he gave me what I needed even if he didn’t always give me what I preferred.
I started appreciating what he DID do more… And he started meeting me more than halfway.
And you know what?
That’s how it works. (He still doesn’t eat my seaweed souffle, though. But now I’m addicted to Taco Bell – oops!)
So come on – give up the “If he really loved me” blues, and let the man love you already – the way HE knows how, and find out if you can be happy anyway.
You just might be pleasantly surprised… And to see if you can go from a seething ball of rage to a cuddly kitten with a man, or if you’ll only end up exhausted no matter how many great tools and truths you learn, check out “The Right Man Report.”
“The Right Man Report” uses a powerful, ancient astrology technique to reveal if you and a man have that great AFFINITY stuff I described – if he can fully appreciate you and make you feel good, or if your relationship with him will always be too much work.
Affinity and rapport are VERY REAL things, and when they are present between you and a man it is much easier to bring that relationship your best.
When it isn’t – then, even when you know better and mean well, you blow it…
The man’s presence, and all your interactions with him simply brings out your wounded ego – over and over again, leaving you sad and insecure.
Please don’t work so hard in love – unless the man and your connection are REALLY worth it, and giving you what you sincerely need.
And may God and his planets and stars shower you with love!
“Hi, I’m Carol Allen, relationship coach and Vedic astrologer and author of ‘Love Is In The Stars.’
For almost two decades now I’ve been helping women be successful in love, and now you can get my advice at absolutely no cost in my love and vedic astrology newsletter.
In this complimentary newsletter, I’ll share powerful “real-world” and “out of this world” information to make your romantic dreams come true, including the truth about compatibility, horoscope advice, timing and fate, spiritual mantras, and how to take what’s fated in the stars and make the best of it here on earth.
You can get more great advice from Carol here at the Approach by going here: Carol Allen – Vedic Astrology