“You have feelings for your friend and started a friends with benefit relationship. After you were intimate with him a few times you told him how felt and he took it as you wanting a relationship. He got upset and now you don’t know what to do. Know yourself. Find your standards. Know your needs. Be and stay in control.”
Written by Christian Carter.
I have made the mistake of admitting to a friend that I have feelings for him – more than a friendship.
We have been intimate with each other about 3 times. Everything was fine until I mentioned my feelings to him. I wasn’t asking him for a relationship…but he took it that way.
I have since then been pouring my heart out to him and pretty much looking insane. Is there any way to save it?
I know he has feelings for me.
Please help…and tell me how to reverse the damage I have done.
Thanks so much T.
WAKE UP GIRL!
I’ve got to slap some sense into you for your own good.
I’m going to skip some critical stuff here because you’ve got my book.
But go back to Chapter 6 and read each section again.
Your fears are taking over your emotions… which in turn is driving the behavior that your guy is responding negatively to.
You’ve stopped steering your life emotionally and you’ve let go of the wheel.
Go to Chapter 7 also, about the Emotional Gap, and read about “How To Set Yourself Apart From Other Women.”
But I’ve got some new ideas for you too… There’s an important scientific word I want you to learn and remember: “Duh”
You OBVIOUSLY have real feelings for him – you’re sleeping with him!
And I’m willing to bet you had these feelings all along, but you just weren’t completely up front about them.
You’re situation is possibly the WORST kind of uphill battle a woman can have with a man early on. It’s a BIG NO-NO. Actually, it’s THE big NO-NO in the early dating stage.
Using purely “physical attraction” to start a potential relationship.
So rarely do I give rules, but here’s an absolute RULE when it comes to men –
You can go from a committed and deep relationship to something “casual” or physical with a man.
For a man, that’s relatively easy.
But it almost impossible to go from the “friends – with-benefits” situation to a deep, fulfilling, intimate and lasting situation.
If you know what I’m talking about here say “Amen!” I know this first hand. From my own love-life and from TONS of men and women I’ve known in my life.
So here’s the “RULE”:
DON’T EVER try and start things with a man at a casual and purely physical level if you EVER want the option for something more meaningful or long- term.
Men don’t work this way, like it or not.
And don’t try to get a man BACK with physical attraction and sex either. It’s a dead-end street.
So here’s the first thing you need to do… Go read my book again – and this time finish it.
Then read it 2 more times. Just buying it won’t help you.
The worst part of this is that you’re smart and you know better – I can tell, but I guess you’re just a glutton for punishment.
And I can’t see why you’re surprised with how frustrating your situation is.
Because you helped create it with your own choices.
But you’re still not getting it, so I’m going to give you the crash-course in the kind of dating that leads to love and happiness that you need.
1. KNOW YOURSELF AND WHAT YOU’RE AFTER.
You said you “made the mistake” of admitting you had feelings for him. It’s NOT a mistake to share your feelings with a man.
It IS a mistake to share your feelings with a man too early and in a negative context.
And you made both of these mistakes because you set yourself up for failure here.
By choosing and “tolerating” a situation that just doesn’t work for you.
So INSTANTLY you become the nay-sayer and antagonist for the story you chose to live out and the role you signed up for. At least that’s the way your guy probably sees it.
One minute you’re blissfully happy in his embrace, and then a day or two later your feelings of content have turned to fear and desperation… All because of a “talk” you wanted to have with him.
Ok, I’m riding you a bit hard here, but it’s for your own benefit.
Instead of being open with yourself about what YOU are truly after, you pursued some kind of “friends with benefits” strategy to get things moving.
I don’t believe that this kind of relationship came about because of any part of who you really are.
That’s why you’re freaking out.
You thought you could handle it.
You thought you’d get something out of it. And for a minute it was fun.
But then your feelings snuck up on you.
And eventually you were reminded of what you’re really after with a man and what you value.
Right now you have two pictures in your mind:
One picture is of this “casual” thing going on. And the other one is what you actually want.
The two pictures are so radically different and far apart from each other, that it’s no wonder you’re acting “insane”.
Your expectations are COMPLETELY out of line for what you’re ACTUALLY doing with this guy.
It’s time to stop creating situations in your life that you KNOW won’t make you happy or comfortable – even if they feel good in the moment.
2. FIND YOU’RE PERSONAL STANDARDS & REQUIREMENTS… AND THEN STICK TO THEM.
Starting things with a man in this “casual sex” way, is a SURE-FIRE way to ruin your odds of creating something more meaningful in the future.
I’m a guy.
But more importantly, getting into a “casual” situation with a man you might want to date, has a VERY HIGH potential to make you FEEL AWFUL.
Unless you’re one out of a hundred thousand women that gets “swept off her feet” by an open, caring, great communicator, who makes moving into a committed relationship effortless… then you’re going to have to start asking yourself some questions about what you really want from your love-life.
And find some answers…
And then… oh my god… actually be honest about them from the start.
Here’s an important question to ask:
WHAT ARE YOUR NEEDS?
And I mean YOUR needs.
Not what you’re accepting, or tolerating, or hoping to get from a man just because there’s nothing better around right now.
Be clear here and think it through.
I’ll give you a minute…
Most women I know who are casually dating, have a set of unconscious requirements that have to be met for them to be able to enjoy the process of dating.
But they rarely recognize these requirements, or communicate them in an appealing way to a man, that also speaks to his needs.
So they end up in a situation that is anything but what they were looking for.
Here’s a few of these “must haves” that women often aren’t honest about at the start:
That any man they’re involved with, in any way, isn’t dating or still involved with another woman, that he’s open and ready to explore a serious relationship once they get to know each other, that he shares some the same values and priorities in his life that she does – or can at least appreciate and support her values.
Here’s an example of “stereotypical” female values in order of priority:
Love -> Trust -> Intimacy -> Connection
And here’s one example of “stereotypical” male values in order of priority:
Financial Success-> Adventure-> Freedom
See any area for conflict and confusion about what’s important if these two people got together?
Interesting… So how in touch are you with your REQUIREMENTS to feel good when it comes to men and dating?
And how do you communicate these to a man?
Do you do it indirectly through frustration and anger when your requirements aren’t being met, and do it AFTER THE FACT?
Or do you do it directly and in a positive context as things are getting started, so you’re in sync from the get-go?
Think about it for a second… I’ll give you more time, because this one’s important…
Remember, 99% of the time, a man is NOT going to make the right decisions for you.
He won’t be able to magically recognize and meet all of your needs or values.
Sticking to your standards helps you show a man how happiness works for you.
3. RADICALLY REJECT BEHAVIOR THAT DOESN’T MEET YOUR STANDARDS.
After observing and studying how our minds work, I recognized something FASCINATING a few years back.
When we’re in a negative situation with someone in our life, we’re there because we’re getting something out of it behind the scenes.
Here’s what you’re getting out of the “casual” thing…
You get a safe and risk free path to get close to this guy. Even though you’re not too close at all.
Also known as “working it from the ‘friend zone’”.
So for you, you get your needs met by getting close and intimate in a way that seems, at first, to be REJECTION or ABANDONMENT FREE for you.
After all, how vulnerable would you be if you shared what you REALLY were looking for up front?
Then you might end up feeling disappointment or loss. Or be unable to continue the “friendship” that you have right now.
And maybe having to start over alone might actually be worse in your mind than having something crappy that you’re “tolerating” and fighting with a man about.
If you look deeper, you’ll probably see that your desire for something more was there all along underneath the surface.
But you didn’t want to share it for fear of scaring him off or getting hurt.
This may sound harsh, but you’ve got to be clear and direct with a man if what he’s doing is not up to par with where you need your partner to be.
You have to show a man what a woman wants and needs, because he probably wasn’t born knowing it like you were.
And do it in a way that rejects the BEHAVIOR, not him personally.
My favorite way of thinking about how to do this, is to be like a “velvet hammer”.
Strong and assertive, but warm and gentle at the same time.
The funny thing is, that as tough and as “bitchy” or self-centered doing this might sound right now, most men respond MAGICALLY to a woman who does this in the right way.
Because it sends a strong UNCONSCIOUS signal to a man that the woman is in CONTROL of her life and her world.
There’s nothing that triggers more intense “long-term” attraction in a healthy and mature man, than a woman who he CAN’T control and doesn’t get thrown off center when her needs aren’t met.
Using the “velvet hammer” also has another AMAZING benefit that women don’t often recognize… or they don’t even see as a benefit at first.
It WEEDS OUT the guys who DO need to go away, because they’re never going to get their act together in the first place, or just don’t want to.
A large percentage of the time, the man will stop communicating or go away for a short while.
But here’s the best part…
With the “good guys”, that you probably WANT to be with long-term, something FASCINATING happens…
They come back around.
And even better, they’ve done all the leg-work themselves to be a better partner… in a way the woman could have never fixed or convinced him to do, no matter how hard she tried.
4. WHAT CREATES DEEPER ATTRACTION AND “LOVE” WITH MEN.
Ever heard of “approval seeking” behavior?
It’s when we try and do and say things simply to get a positive reaction or judgment about ourselves from someone else.
Well, it’s a HUGE MISTAKE to make with a man early on. Your need for your guy’s APPROVAL is your worst enemy right now.
To him, what your doing is actually the complete OPPOSITE OF ATTRACTIVE.
I’ll give you an example to explain…
Have you ever seen what it looks like when a man is shamelessly seeking the approval of a woman?
As he’s just getting to know her and he sees that she hasn’t completely made up her mind to want to be with him, what does he do?
He buys her gifts.
He calls her all the time.
He offers to do favors and errands for her.
All these are attempts to prove to her that he’s good enough to be with her or to get her attention.
This is also known as the “really nice guy” approach. Women just never seem to quite “feel it” for the super nice guy.
Of course, some women disagree and like to tell me that they really like nice guys.
Here’s my take…
A guy can already be attractive AND do nice things. Agreed – you CAN be attractive AND do nice things. But doing nice things DOES NOT make a man more attractive.
If a woman wasn’t really “feeling it” before, no amount of nice guy behavior will win her heart over.
It just doesn’t work that way.
With me here?
Instead of making her feel attracted to him, what actually happens inside a lot of women when a man is taking the “nice guy” strategy?
Somewhere deep down she starts to lose RESPECT for him, because she knows she can CONTROL him.
The woman doesn’t consciously choose to experience this, but it’s how she FEELS.
And feelings are the most powerful things we have to drive our beliefs and desires.
Ever stopped to think that the same thing might work in reverse between a woman’s behavior and a man?
Interesting… I’ve got a FASCINATING question for you.
Guess what one of the most common, central, human experiences is that we all feel when it comes to LOVE?
It’s a LOSS OF CONTROL.
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, think about a love you’ve had in the past, or friends you know who have been head over heels in love.
Or pick up a book on the physiological and psychological effects of love on our minds and bodies.
There have been lots of great studies. Crazy stuff.
Anyway, our minds work obsessively on thoughts about the other person when we’re in love. We think and plan to do all kinds of things for our lover.
Part of why we do this is to try and find the best way to get or share love back from the other person.
Some of this is beautiful and positive, but not all of it.
Some of what we do is to think up ways to try and CONTROL the other person, so they won’t ever leave or take the love we’re feeling away.
The classic adolescent example of this is when a girl wants to break up with a guy, and the boy falsely threatens to kill himself if she leaves.
I’m not making light of that horrible situation, but it’s a good example. Nod your head if you know what I’m talking about and you get where I’m going with this.
What I’m doing here is showing you the subtle connection between LOVE, and the LOSS OF CONTROL experience.
Now let’s tie it back to approval seeking behavior…
How does approval seeking effect LOVE?
And what does it have to do with CONTROL?
For men, approval seeking behavior KILLS the spark that comes from the uncertainty of not knowing exactly how the women he’s with is going to think and act.
What does a man have to think and wonder about if he’s got complete certainty about everything a woman’s going to do?
Do you think a man feels intense desire, love and respect for a woman he can completely control?
Or when her behavior is totally predictable?
And what if she starts acting predictably NEGATIVE?
Think about it…
It’s this “natural tension” and challenge of not having CONTROL and uncertainty that creates strong ATTRACTION in men.
“SO WHAT DO I DO ABOUT IT?”
What most women ask in situations when a man isn’t responding the way they want him to is…
“WHY is he acting this way and how do I make sense of it and “fix” it?”
Well, you can’t “fix” a man.
And I really feel for you if you’re one of those women who are trying.
But you CAN change a situation and the FEELINGS that a man is having for you.
You can change his EXPERIENCE with you.
The toughest and most important thing to understand is that men’s behavior and thinking in these situations aren’t at all LOGICAL.
In other words, how a man reacts doesn’t make ANY “sense” and doesn’t follow any rhyme or reason.
So of course it baffles and frustrates women when they run it through their own “sense-making filters”.
Let me ask you a question…
If you were an attractive man, would you want to find a woman that you had to TEACH how to make you attracted and feel good… or would you want a woman who just “got it” on her own… “naturally” and it flowed?
Duh. (there’s that scientific word again)
You’d want the woman who already “got it”.
So more likely than a conspiracy against women, men just naturally respond to women who GET IT, and DON’T respond to women who DON’T.
So let’s talk about these concepts a little bit more.
Attraction and wanting to be with a woman, is about a man perceiving that he and a woman are “naturally compatible” because his emotional and physical sparks fly when he’s around her.
NOTE: I did NOT use the word “logical” here.
Attraction and wanting to be with a woman long term is NOT the result of a man meeting a woman and then thinking to himself:
“Let’s see…she’s got a good job, works hard, and is a really good person… Hmmm, I think that we have some natural attraction going on here.”
For a man, attraction and the desire to be with a woman, and stay with her, is either THERE, or it ISN’T.
There’s no two ways about it. If it isn’t, he’s not FEELING it.
Unfortunately, most women think:
“Well, if things aren’t going great, it must be because he doesn’t know something that I know, or feel something I feel. I think I’ll explain to him logically from my point of view how he needs to feel like I do… and then he’ll get it and know how and why we should love each other.”
If you’re doing this, you need a major refresher on how ATTRACTION is created and how it drives the feelings of love and long-term desire.
My ebook “Catch Him And Keep Him” is chock full of great examples of how to trigger what I call “Intellectual Attraction” in a man.
In other words, the kind of attraction that gets a man to “naturally” open up, share himself and think about the future with a woman.
You can learn to avoid the mistakes most women make with a man that keep him from experiencing intense feelings of Intellectual Attraction.
And get specific ideas on how to begin to change a situation by creating this attraction.
Here are a few specific sections in the book:
Chapter 3, Section 1: Be Honest About What You Want.
This will get you on track with how to stop being fearful about dating, scaring a man off, and how to share your feelings at the beginning in a way that will build Physical and Intellectual Attraction instead of having him withdraw.
Chapter 3, Section 5: The “Convincer”.
Here you’ll learn the common behavior and communication style lots of women take on, that is sure to have a man acting “unavailable” and becoming less connected.
I describe how and why this happens in this section and in the following section about the critical “Relationship Balance” that exists between every man and woman… and what to do about it.
Chapter 5, Section 4: Emotions Are Contagious
A woman’s emotional power can be her greatest strength or her biggest weakness.
I talk about the deeper “psychology” behind your emotions, how men perceive the most common emotions women go through, and how you can channel your emotions to have a man see you as someone he HAS to be around.
Go to the link below to check out more:
I’m so sure that you’ll love it and that it will truly help you and make you feel great about where you are.
All you have to do is download the book, read it, and keep it if you love it. I know you will. If for any reason you don’t want the book, just let me know and you won’t have to pay ANYTHING at all.
AND you can still keep the book. Sounds like a good deal to me.
Inside the mind of men shows you how understanding men in every way can and will help you to attract men.
You can find more great advice from Christian here at the Approach – Christian Carter Knows What Every Man Wants From A Woman And Why