Written By Christian Carter.
I‘d like to tell you a story… It’s a story that you might find strangely familiar. Don’t be alarmed.
Once upon a time, there was a woman who was very attracted to a particular man.
At first, he was just another attractive man… but the more she got to know him, the more she began to feel attracted to him… and the more time she spent with him, the more that attraction grew into a deep emotional attachment and affection for him.
But there was one problem.
As her emotional attachment grew stronger and stronger, she also grew more and more insecure.
Because she couldn’t tell whether or not he felt the same way towards her.
There was an occasional glance, an occasional email or call from him… and a few times, he even opened up about something personal or emotional, and invited her “inside” for a little while.
But something was wrong with the picture.
He just wasn’t acting like a man who was “falling in love”. He was acting like a friend, but at times, even more distant than a friend would be.
And things seemed to be hot and cold.
Sometimes he would look at her and talk to her, and sometimes he would ignore her and close himself off.
The insecurity that she felt from all this, became a spiral that amplified itself… and the more insecure she became, the more afraid she grew of “screwing things up” or “scaring him off”, by starting conversations or asking him if he was interested in her and why he didn’t ask her out.
Plus, the more insecure she became, the less time he seemed to want to spend with her.
After spending days and nights obsessing over this guy, the woman finally arrived at the conclusion that if he only knew how SHE FELT, that he would feel the same way. So she made a bold move.
She TOLD HIM how she felt. She confessed her feelings and let him know that she wanted to be with him.
He responded by flirting with her and he spent some time alone with her, and they even kissed and held each other. But soon after, he quickly withdrew, didn’t call her and wasn’t really “available” to her.
This only confused the woman more. She didn’t know how to take it…
- Did it mean that he really loved her too, but that he was afraid of something?
- Did it mean that he wasn’t ready for a long-term relationship?
- Did it mean that he didn’t love her, and that he was trying to give her a hint?
- Did it mean that she hadn’t tried hard enough?
- Did it mean that she needed to put everything on the line and REALLY let him know how she felt?
She finally decided that she couldn’t go on like this anymore… she had to be with him.
She had to make sure that he knew just how much she wanted to be with him… so she took a big step, bought him a symbolic gift and wrote him a letter… again confessing her feelings.
And then, something unthinkable happened.
Either he didn’t reply at all… (Ouch!) Or he replied and she connected with him on an emotional and physical level for a brief time, but then he backed away.
Then she called him a couple of times, the following week before reaching him. He made an excuse about being very busy and said, “I’ll try to give you a call soon, I have to go”… and hung up… but she never got a call back.
Over the following months, the woman tried desperately to understand what went wrong… and what happened.
OK, I’m back. Now, wasn’t that a sweet story?
Heartwarming, huh? I know; I should keep my day job, and not take-up writing romance novels…
Now, let’s talk about that story.
That story is basically a MYTH. But I’m not talking about FICTION here. I’m talking about a story that rings true for lots of women.
A story that is timeless.
A story that resonates at a deep level, because you can IDENTIFY with it.
And why does this particular story resonate for some women?
Because lots of women have been there in one way or another… at one time or another… and many have been there OFTEN in their lives.
Another thing that gives this particular story a lot of power, is the powerful negative emotions that it stirs… as a result of the powerful negative experiences that it brings back…
Stories and situations like this one, really FASCINATE me.
They fascinate me, because I see them as an opportunity to UNDERSTAND and SOLVE the puzzles that they represent. In this particular situation, I think there is a solution.
It lies in understanding a SECRET that lots of WOMEN DON’T GET.
That secret comes down to the reality that if a man isn’t ATTRACTED to a woman, all of her attempts to confess her love, convince him to like her and court her, BACKFIRE.
In other words, they not only DON’T WORK; they actually make things WORSE. In other words, the very things that a woman does to try to make a man LIKE HER, make him NOT like her. They make him run.
All of those great intentions and emotional dedication actually cause the woman feeling them, to do things that make the man go away.
But it’s a strangely common dynamic, that also takes place inside dating situations and new relationships without women (or men) really being aware of it, and understanding what’s going on.
And I hope that by explaining the process of how this happens to you, that I’ll help you avoid this painful situation in your own future…
And maybe you can start to understand what’s going on a little better, if you think about what it’s like when a man you’re NOT attracted to, desperately wants your attention, affection and your time.
Have you ever had a guy pursue you?
As he’s trying to get your attention, approval and affection, all of his pleading and effort just seems to bug you more and make you want to get away. Even if all he’s doing, is telling you great things about yourself and how he feels about you?
Strange and interesting…
Choices And The Paradox Of Attraction.
I’m always fascinated by the idea that we humans don’t always understand the message that we’re communicating to others… So often we think that because we WANT to communicate a message, that others are going to NATURALLY understand what we’re trying to say.
Have you ever seen a woman who dresses over-the-top sexy and wears way to much make-up?
Have you ever thought to yourself,
“I don’t think that her appearance is communicating the message to men that she thinks it is”…?
Yeah, I have too. Well, here’s the deal:
If you do something to “let a man know how you feel” … but he isn’t open to the situation at that time, or he isn’t ATTRACTED to you, then it’s going to backfire.
It’s going to trigger a feeling for the man, that I like to call the “Instant Ewww”.
The “Instant Ewww” is just as powerful as the physical and emotional response of ATTRACTION.
Once a man feels it, YOU’RE DONE.
It’s over. It’s like hammering a RAILROAD SPIKE into the coffin.
Once a man feels the “Instant Ewww”, he’ll start behaving differently. In short, he’ll back off or even disappear.
So where did I get the concept of the “Instant Ewww”?
I got it from watching WOMEN. I have actually heard SEVERAL women use the word “Ewww”, when describing how they felt about a guy that was “confessing his love”… and of course, these were guys that weren’t loved in return by the woman.
Men do the same kind of thing with a woman they’re not attracted to.
Often they try to be “nice” about it.
They let the attention pump up their ego a bit, and then they create what is often an unconscious barrier in their mind, that closes off communication or contact with her. And the resulting vacuum sound you hear, is what’s happening as any ATTRACTION and interest he might have felt, evaporates.
So what causes the “Instant Ewww”?
And why would a man feel it, towards a woman who was trying to be nice… a woman who was giving him attention, a gift or telling him how she feels?
Because if you think about it from HIS perspective, you’ll realize that the moment you do something to “confess”, you’ve created a TURNING POINT in the relationship.
Up until that point, you were harmless. I mean, men know when they are getting some “special attention” from a woman. And they usually know it from the beginning.
But now that you’ve started pursuing him and talking about how you feel, you’ve created a NEGATIVE TENSION that can be VERY uncomfortable.
You’ve triggered an emotion that can actually repel a man and make him even more detached from his emotions.
Here’s the thing…
- You can’t “make a man like you” or “change how he feels about you”, by doing nice things for him.
- Doing “nice” things for a man who isn’t attracted to you, HURTS you. It backfires. Worse, it creates the “Instant Ewww” feeling, that makes it so he’ll perhaps NEVER like you.
Men are the worst at this, by the way.
They make this mistake over and over again in life, because they’re doing what MAKES SENSE to them. They’re doing it, because they don’t have an understanding of ATTRACTION.
I mean, if you have a friend and you like them, and you want to make them like you more… and you do some nice things for them, they will probably like you more.
On the other hand…
If you have a man that you “like” in a romantic way, and he doesn’t “feel it” for you, and you do something nice for him, because you want HIM to like you more, it will BACKFIRE… and he will not only NOT like you more, but he will most likely distance himself from you.
Women think that they need to communicate verbally when they like a man… as if that’s part of the necessary process of getting a guy.
In their minds, it goes like this:
Like him > Tell him you like him > He likes you
Well, remember… if you follow this pattern, yourself, with men who aren’t already ATTRACTED to you, then it’s going to BACKFIRE. If he’s not into you, then it goes like THIS:
He thinks of you as a friend > You tell him you like him > He gets the “Instant Ewwws” and withdraws…
THE ANSWER There are really TWO answers to this problem.
The first answer, is what to do if you’re in a situation where you like a particular guy, but you don’t know if he likes you back.
DON’T GET HEAVY WITH HIM.
Don’t buy him a big gift, do something nice to show him how much you think about him or write him a love letter…
Don’t send him a note to his work that says, “From your secret admirer”.
Don’t call him several times without hearing from him.
And DON’T CONFESS YOUR LOVE for him.
If you want to know how he feels about you, do something to ATTRACT HIM and see how he reacts instead of telling him you love him and hearing the crickets chirp as you wait for his response.
As a rule of thumb, don’t get heavier than HIM.
Use SIGNALS from him to find out how he feels… and if you don’t know how to read and create those signals, then LEARN.
Asking a man if he’s interested in you in a romantic way, or if you are “his type”, will actually DESTROY the chances that his attraction and interest in you will grow. Really.
The SECOND answer, is to not get into this particular situation in the FIRST PLACE. Avoid it entirely.
And how does one do that?
- One does that by creating ATTRACTION from the beginning.
- One does that by understanding the dynamics of how and why men have the physical and emotional response of ATTRACTION triggered.
- One does that by knowing what you’re doing FROM THE BEGINNING.
I’ve spent several years now, studying the ways that women (and men) who are “naturals”, communicate using their words, voice tone and body language.
The way they integrate all these, makes them MAGNETIC to be around. And you probably know what I’m talking about, if you know any women who seem “lucky in love”.
Where everything involving men seems to come easily and effortlessly to them. And I’ll tell you… it’s not magic.
You don’t have to be gorgeous or young. And you don’t have to be LUCKY.
What you DO have to do is LEARN.
It’s a skill, and I honestly believe that ANY woman can learn it if she wants.
But you’re not likely to figure it out by “trial and error”. Many of the keys to making men feel ATTRACTION and want to be around you for the long-term aren’t “obvious”, at all.
In fact, many of them make no sense… and they’re the LAST thing you’d do in a particular situation, if you didn’t know the SECRETS.
About Christian Carter: Since 2005, Christian Carter has helped over 3 million women become more successful with men, dating and relationships. He helps women understand the male perspective on attraction, dating and commitment, and why men behave the way they do in relationships.
You’ll soon see Christian as that no-nonsense guy friend who will give you the inside scoop on what a man wants and what he’s really thinking.
- More articles by Christian Carter – What Every Man Wants From A Woman And Why.