Written by Christian Carter.
Have you ever thought that some men just don’t like strong smart women like you What’s up with that!? Are men that weak and immature?
Well, let me ask you an important question about the men and love in your life.
By the way, how you answer this question could tell the difference between finding a fun, loving and almost effortless relationship that works out in the long term.
Or… Being single and lonely because every man you get close to ends up resisting and withdrawing from the love and connection you know could be there.
So here’s the important question I have for you:
Does not having the love and relationship you truly want in your life change how you act as a woman?
Think about it for a second.
I’m asking, because I recently got an amazing email.
In the email, a woman shares her realization about herself and men that has changed her attitude and perspective about love for the better.
Check out her FASCINATING email….
Christian, I found your book to be incredibly interesting and quite insightful. Lots of moments of clarity on a subject that is, at least for me, fairly foggy.
While I’m not exactly new to the dating game, each experience I have had with dating, boyfriends and even a fiancée has turned up new and exciting horror stories.
And then all of a sudden, I think I see the light. In reading your notes about women who subconsciously send signals of essentially being too interested and men’s responses to them, I totally saw myself.
While I am more than a little reserved about an outright appearance of “needy” (I’m a very attractive, well educated, highly successful woman and I don’t NEED anyone…right??) I suddenly realize, after reading your book, that my inner emotional state is actually very high-pressure, even if I try (probably unsuccessfully) to hide it.
It’s my inner control freak taking over.
I find myself dressing a little nicer when I think I might run into the boy-du-jour. Positioning myself in places where I might “run into” him (I swear I’m not a stalker, but I think most women actually engage in this kind of ridiculousness).
Fantasizing about my life with him in it. And all of a sudden, there I am, trying to take control and ensure the proper development of this “relationship”. (of course- I’m always in control, right? That’s how i’ve gotten so far in my career and other areas of life…)
And then, inexplicably, the more I try to control the situation by impatiently interfering with the natural flow of things, the more I lose my patience and emotional cool.
My long-winded point is, that prior to reading your book, I had not been able to step back from my own issues enough to realize that my “control” was actually making me lose control. Amazingly, this explains not only my own relationship breakdowns, but those of most of my gorgeous, successful girlfriends who also seem to have no luck with men. We have successfully built careers (and great figures) with hard work, persistence, and ultimately achieving control of our situations. It’s a pattern that has worked in careers where competition and winning is key.
However, sometimes I think we view romantic interactions with men, not as an interpersonal communication in which we must evaluate the other person’s point of view, but as just another part of the life scheme that has been set forth for every good superwoman- the significant other that we are expected and expect to have.
The problem is that you never “have” another person. Nor should you. Your book made me step back and reevaluate how I have been going about dating- as though it was a means to an end.
And I firmly believe that this was the point of breakdown for me (and probably for lots of other women). Dating must be viewed as a means to a relationship with another person, not as a means to HAVE that other person. Thus, that person’s needs must be objectively evaluated as very much separate from my own.
If men can be happy and even have a need to pursue and compete, then why be readily available? It just doesn’t make sense when you put it that way. And you did.
As a result of your book, I truly believe I will be able to reevaluate the way I look at the men I date- as PEOPLE.
With individual interests, needs, wants, beliefs and expectations.
Not as extensions of myself (like MY career and MY home) that I build based on my expectations, interests, etc.
Thank you so much for sharing your gift of a fresh perspective, no doubt based upon plenty of extensive research. I really think this will change dating for me.
A.W. in Missouri
Wow. I love hearing from smart, analytical and thoughtful women like you.
Thanks for being so open and sharing your personal experiences… and for the feedback about my book.
There’s something that’s really FASCINATING about what you’ve brought up.
Over the last several 20 or 30 years, as women have started to enjoy a more “equal” place in society with careers, opportunity, etc., something strange has happened.
Have you noticed that women are often no longer considered “womanly” or “feminine” once they’ve become independent and successful in their own right?
And not coincidentally, everywhere I go I hear women talk about how much it sucks that men are intimidated by successful women and don’t want to be with women who are on an “equal” or higher standing.
Well, with so many women talking about this phenomenon, I’ve thought a lot about how and why this is happening to women. And why men are responding the way they are.
How can being smarter, more independent, talented, etc. than other women and other men actually become something negative?
After lots of research, observation, and personal experience, here’s what I realized about the “plight” of the successful and independent woman…
I’m about to tell you the reasons why successful women often have a HARDER TIME than other women finding love.
Reason #1: Independent and successful women are smart enough to be dangerous
Have you ever noticed that other smart and successful women around you are often the ones alone or in the least fulfilling relationships?
And have you ever noticed that no matter how intellectually educated a woman is, it doesn’t make her immune to the problems of love that a broke or uneducated woman might face?
How can that be?
Does that mean an education and success is worthless?
No. But it does mean that one doesn’t have ANYTHING to do with the other.
Lots of women assume that since they’re intelligent they can FIGURE OUT or solve any dumb little dating or relationship dilemma.
They think that all it takes is enough focus and determination and they’ll work everything out. This couldn’t be farther from the truth.
You can’t “think” a man into feeling something for you.
Just like you can’t get a man to treat you differently just because you logically figured out what’s wrong with him and let him know.
In fact, doing the latter is more likely to have you standing alone in the cold than being held tightly in his arms. Being “right” doesn’t mean you’ll be loved.
Reason #2: Believing in the “men don’t like successful women” myth
I can’t tell you how many women I talk to that tell me how men are scared and turned off by, or intimidated by, successful or independent women. I get where they’re coming from, but they’ve confused one thing for another.
The truth is, men DON’T DISLIKE successful women.
But they DON’T LIKE them either.
Let me explain…
It’s obvious in this day in age that being successful and independent aren’t “male” qualities that exclude women from being attractive if they have them. But here’s the thing…
Most men DON’T CARE how successful a woman is.
I literally mean it.
They don’t care.
No matter what a woman does for a living, and no matter how much money she makes, none of that is going to make a man FEEL anything for a woman.
Following me here?
Are you attracted to a man JUST because he’s rich or successful or can buy whatever he wants?
A man’s success can add to his appeal, but it doesn’t create it. Men aren’t any different in how they feel about women.
But lots of women who are successful, secretly believe that their success should change how men act around them.
And some women, just like men often do, start to rely on their success to try and attract men.
The truth is, success isn’t going to turn a man on or create a great situation.
If a woman doesn’t UNDERSTAND how to attract a man and create a great relationship, becoming successful isn’t going to change that.
But being a woman who LEARNS to ATTRACT men and create the right situation for love AND also happens to be successful will.
Reason #3: Success itself won’t get you there
Being successful can be a nice quality or a “bonus” about a woman, but inside a man’s mind, success has nothing to do with whether or not he feels ATTRACTION or LOVE.
But lots of successful women seem to be disappointed by this.
Understandably, they’re frustrated that the respect and status that they’ve earned at the office or in life hasn’t translated over to their love-life.
Even though in the back of their minds they keep thinking that becoming successful has worked for men all these years.
This isn’t how it works for men either, so let me use that as an example. Just because a man is successful or rich, a genuine and open woman doesn’t care anything about that.
She only cares about how he makes her FEEL.
Most women just want to know that a man makes her FEEL ATTRACTED to him, and that he’s open and loving and he’ll always be the strong and solid person that he is today.
So even if a man is rich and handsome, if he doesn’t LEARN to become a good partner who makes a woman EXPERIENCE LOVE and FEEL ATTRACTION, then the woman isn’t going to respond.
Like it or not, it works the same way for successful women. Success won’t buy you love, affection or get you shortcuts to a great situation with a man.
It just might help get you in the door.
Reason #4: Assuming that success “strategies” cross over to men and relationships
Successful women have obviously found and used smart “strategies” to get where they are with the people around them.
They try and test all kinds of new ideas, approaches, attitudes, etc. until they find what works and then they stick with what’s best.
And things go great. It’s like they’ve got the world and everyone around them all figured out.
That is, until they run into a “guy-problem” and somehow everything seems to instantly go whacko and stop working. So they just take their best strategy and try harder and harder at it, sure that it will work since they’ve seen the world open up to them with it.
But there’s no results this time and it’s a total shock to the system.
Men are the WORST at doing this by the way.
Tons of husbands come home each night and try to run their family and marriage with the logic and efficiency that they use to make things work in business.
How do you think that works out?
Reason #5: Successful women often “accidentally” prevent men from naturally feeling attraction with them
Have you ever thought about how a man falls in love with a woman?
One of the most important and central elements of love that takes a man from just “interested” to “in love” with a woman is experiencing a LOSS of CONTROL and the absence of PREDICTABILITY with the woman.
And no, this doesn’t mean that he gives control over to the woman and she has it.
When a man is experiencing ATTRACTION and CHEMISTRY with a woman and he DOESN’T know exactly what’s going to happen next, then everything becomes terribly exciting.
And if the woman isn’t acting controlling or manipulative, then there’s a “space” or “void” that’s created between the man and woman.
It’s this natural “psychological space” that moves the man closer and closer to the woman as he’s trying close the “emotional gap” between them.
Then the man begins to wonder what he can do to win over more of the woman’s affections and attention.
And it’s this out of control feeling and the desire to fill in the gap between himself and the woman that starts the classic patterns of love.
Unfortunately, lots of successful women get in THEIR OWN WAY and prevent the natural patterns that lead to love from taking place.
The most common way that successful women get in their own way is when they starting doing things to control each and every aspect of what’s going on between her and the man.
*Cue the semi-obsessive behaviors like those that the reader mentioned in her email. Like plotting to be where a man will be and then pretending to have “run into him”.
I think a lot of us can identify with that kind of behavior in one way or another.
The problem with these kinds of behaviors is that they do something damaging to us when we use them.
These are self-manipulations that stir up all kinds of anxiety and distance in your own mind.
AVOID THESE kinds of things, because they only lead to more obsessive worrying and more plotting.
It’s part of what’s called a negative feedback loop.
What’s most important here is that these behaviors do an almost perfect job of destroying the “tension” a man and a woman both feel when there’s a “natural” flow of energy between them.
Reason #6: Successful women are used to being on control
Most mature women want to have a great relationship and continually experience deep love and intimacy once they’ve found a worthwhile and attractive guy.
But often times their desire to have their ideal situation is so strong that it can actually drive them to try and CONTROL the situations they’re in and the man they’re with.
Successful women have an uncanny ability to pull together every aspect of their life and make it work.
But what happens when successful women who have been gracefully in control of their lives get into a situation where they can’t CONTROL the outcome and the other people involved?
What happens when there is NO LOGICAL SOLUTION or straight-forward answer that will make things work out the way they’re used to?
What happens when they get involved with a man and things are no longer within their ability to control?
In these situations, successful women often end up feeling completely OUT OF CONTROL and begin to panic.
And then FEAR kicks in because they’re not used to not having total control of their environment.
So they start doing whatever they can think of or what works for them in other situations in order to try and get CONTROL back in their lives.
Of course, what they often do to try and regain control is negative, fear-driven, and doesn’t take into account the feelings and desires of the man… and so it backfires.
The man freaks out, he sees her as “crazy” and then he withdraws.
You might unfortunately already know that story.
What’s fascinating here is that the woman’s attempts to CONTROL are often more DESTRUCTIVE than they are productive.
Trying to CONTROL how a man feels, what he thinks and how he acts around them, not only doesn’t usually work for women – it often works AGAINST them and repels the man.
Reason #7: They fall into the trap of using “masculine energy” to shape their love-life
The energy, drive, focus and discipline that can push women to success in their work can be a potent force to create the outcomes they want.
Unfortunately, this same attitude and approach DOESN’T translate over to getting outcomes women might want with men, love and relationships.
In fact, this attitude often becomes an obstacle to creating an intimate and loving situation with a man.
Successful women often make the mistake of approaching men and relationships with the same kind of intensity and energy that they seek to influence or control things at work.
They start to lead their interactions, conversations and decisions with men with what I call “masculine energy”.
This energy is very direct and purposeful and it has an amazing ability to motivate and push us to overcome and break through barriers. But it isn’t the energy that creates an intense and LASTING CONNECTION with a man.
The “feminine energy” is the energy that attracts a man and can lead and TEACH him how and why to stay open to a woman.
This feminine energy is what shows even the most clueless and reckless of men how to become great and loyal partners – just like it’s the masculine energy that ATTRACTS women and shows them a man’s strength, love and character.
Now, I’m not saying that women don’t and shouldn’t have masculine energy.
Lots of attractive and interesting women are full of masculine energy.
But I’ve learned that women can be VERY SUCCESSFUL and have AMAZING LOVE LIVES by knowing when to use masculine and feminine energy.
The key is awareness.
So let me ask you….
When a woman uses or leads her interactions with a man with their more “masculine” energy, what happens?
Most men aren’t able to open up or attach and connect with a woman who’s meeting them with their “masculine energy”.
It doesn’t make a man FEEL close, comfortable, trusting and it doesn’t draw him in to connect with her.
In fact, lots of men react NEGATIVELY to women who present them with a lot of masculine energy.
When some women talk about men not liking successful women, this is what they’re talking about.
Men don’t like the masculine energy that a woman is putting in place of something WAY MORE IMPORTANT to a man:
How ATTRACTED he is to her and how she makes him FEEL.
So let’s wrap this up for now…
One of the most critical things that I see successful women “missing” in their interactions with men, dating and relationships, is the idea of creating “Intellectual Attraction” – and using their natural “feminine energy” to do so.
A man might enjoy the idea of a woman being successful, but it isn’t going to make him think about her like he might a woman who pushes all his male buttons.
A man doesn’t think,
“Gee, she’s got a great job, makes good money and doesn’t depend on anyone else to support her, I think I’ll be into her.”
Actually, it’s the exact opposite.
A man sees or meets a woman and Wham!
He instantly falls for her, and he can’t exactly explain why.
And that’s because there is no reason or logic to why it happens – it happens inside a man’s mind.
When a man becomes attracted and interested in a woman, it’s because his FEELINGS and EMOTIONS were TRIGGERED by something about the woman.
And no amount of logic, analyzing, convincing or “success” in a woman’s life can control this.
If a man doesn’t FEEL IT for a woman, nothing else will do the trick.
But if a woman CAN make a man feel attraction for her, then it doesn’t matter how successful, gorgeous or shapely she is.
After years or research and observations, I’ve finally “cracked the code” on what actually works to trigger ATTRACTION in men.
And you’d be surprised to learn that ANY WOMAN can learn what these triggers are and how to start learning to use them in her own life and relationships.
Of course, I’m not just talking about that “one-night stand” male kind of attraction.
Seduce a man.
I’m talking about the “long-term-he-stays-up- all-night-thinks-about-her-all-the-time-and-does- crazy-romantic-boyish-things-just-because-he-has- to” attraction.
That deeper and more intimate “relationship material” attraction. I call this “Intellectual Attraction”.
You can find more great advice from Christian here at Meet & Attract Him”