Dear Past Self,
Thank you for changing my life. You opened my eyes to capabilities and possibilities I never imagined possible.
You faced challenges that made you stronger and more in control of the course of your life.
You reached out toward the things you care about in life, and you did so as a leap of faith.
You allowed yourself to be stretched because you believed it might be possible to accelerate your success in life.
I’m writing to tell you, it worked.
Always in your debt,
Your Future Self
Hello. My name is James Bauer. I am a dating coach for women. I specialize in transforming lives in the best way possible.
I help women tap into knowledge and skills that lie dormant deep within them, unleashing a torrent of actions that yield beautiful relationships.
In this brief report I have the privilege of sharing one sliver of my knowledge that has a particularly powerful effect on the lives of those who embrace it.
With your permission, I would like to offer a new mindset and a shift in your perception of what you are capable of when it comes to meeting a man who truly is a partner worthy of your deepest affection.
In this special report, you’ll be learning how to apply the principles of oscillation between focused effort (that should involve some stress and self-discipline) and relaxation (in which you recover and become stronger for the next round of focused effort).
First, I’m going to explain the basics of how oscillation works.
Then, I will help you to see how you can apply the principle to radically change the game when it comes to meeting quality men.
Oscillation simply means a back and forth movement.
Whenever you’re trying to accomplish something new that involves learning a new skill or overcoming an emotional, mental, or physical barrier, oscillation is your ally.
Imagine that someone asked me to train for a marathon. If I go outside and begin running, I may travel five or six miles before I feel too exhausted to continue. Imagine if I went back to the person who told me to start training and told him/her that I needed a different technique, because my training technique of running seemed to make me more tired instead of more able to run.
That person would probably laugh at me, and remind me that I have to oscillate between pushing myself (in this case mentally and physically) and resting in order for me to gain the benefit of running as a form of training.
Both the pushing with effort mode and the relaxation/recovery mode are essential aspects of the training.
Without both aspects of the training, I will make little, or no, progress.
Training the mind is often very much like training the body.
After a period of exertion, we often feel worse than we did prior to the exertion.
But over time, our mind develops increasing capacity to manage whatever we require of it (so long as the relaxation and recovery component is also included). Take studying for long periods of time, for example:
When I was in college, I began to experiment with increasing the degree of focus I used in my study time.
I would concentrate on developing a more complete focus and absorption in the material that I was studying in an attempt to increase the efficiency of my study time.
At first, this was mentally exhausting. But, over time, my mind adapted to the stress that I was putting on it because I would reward myself with playful, fun activities that did not require concentration (the relaxation part of the oscillation).
As a result of my initial work (that left me feeling exhausted and worn out in general), my life became easier. I was able to study for shorter periods of time with improved grades and more time for fun activities.
Controlled stress is less taxing on the mind than uncontrolled stress.
This principle was originally studied with rats.
The experimenters rigged the rats’ metal cages to have random electric shocks that would continue until the rat hit a bar to turn it off. Only one rat had the bar in his cage, though they were on the same electric circuit, so they received the exact same amount of shock time.
Both rats showed stress hormone elevations upon initiation of the experiment. But after a few days, the rat who had control over turning off the shock returned to baseline cortisol levels (a powerful measure of stress).
The rat without control showed increasing levels of stress with deteriorating physical health to the point of eventual death, in some cases. The same amount of shock is experienced in a totally different way when there is a sensation of control over the stress.
This is one of the reasons why oscillation towards stressors will decrease the overall stress impact in your life.
Here’s another quick example of the powerful application of oscillation in the areas of your life where you want to regain control.
Think about the lifestyle of someone who eats a very simple diet of healthy foods with bland taste, such as: oatmeal, grilled chicken, and whole grain cereals.
When this person goes out to eat or has a special treat, he/she enjoys that treat to a much greater extent than a person who eats rich, fatty foods all the time.
As a result, the healthy eater feels satiated by special treats on both the physical level and the emotional/mental level. He/she has more control over his/her own reward system.
On a day when this person has been emotionally trampled at work or in some personal relationship, he/she can pull out a Snickers bar and have a dopamine rush in the brain.
(Dopamine is a neurotransmitter associated with all things reinforcing and pleasurable.)
A person who needs a candy bar everyday has lost control over this particular form of self-indulgence.
It is what his/her brain is accustomed to on a constant basis. Eating the richer, less healthy food, has become a baseline.
My point is that, from a happiness standpoint, the person who eats healthy foods is not actually depriving himself of anything.
Our sense of happiness is all relative to what we’re used to.
So, if you get yourself used to eating healthy foods, you get a temporary ripple of happiness in your mood when you splurge.
If you apply this principle to the areas of your life where you want to improve (but which you find stressful) you will find that your ability to accelerate your goals is greatly enhanced.
Some people apply this principle to the goals they have for improving something they are already fairly good at (such as studying, in my example).
However, very few people apply the principle of oscillation to areas of their life where they are truly struggling.
The reason may become obvious to you if you think about it.
What happens is the instinct to conserve energy becomes very strong when we’re feeling overwhelmed.
As a result, we pull back and relax at any chance we get.
The problem with this is that our capacity to endure stress in this particular area begins to shrink the more we pull away from facing the stress.
Then, when life throws an unusually large amount of stress at us in this particular area, we begin to unravel emotionally or fall apart.
Our attempts at controlling the stress through avoidance end up weakening us over time.
Consider the military.
The highest levels of military training involve intense use of oscillation to train soldiers to endure stress in the forms of sleep deprivation, sustained concentration, hunger, severe physical exertion, and feelings of fear and uncertainty.
But the military does not use these forms of training indefinitely. They will use these methods for short periods of time. The time they forced their soldiers through these intense training modules has been studied.
It was discovered that soldiers cannot endure intense averse training for more than about ten weeks before they begin to drop out quickly.
After the training is complete, they rest.
After resting, a simple one-mile jog, or one night staying up on a stakeout with no food or water is a breeze.
Their capacity to endure that specific form of stress has been increased exponentially because of the prior oscillation towards the stress.
Let’s apply this idea to something of an emotional nature.
Let’s say my primary psychological motivation is to avoid stress because I’m a person prone to depression.
Let’s say that my attempts to avoid stress involve sitting in front of the television and doing nothing the second I get home from work every day.
I avoid socializing because I’m so worn out from work and the constant worry that I have on my mind due to my depressed state.
Over time, my capacity to endure stress weakens.
Like a muscle that is not being used, my capacity to deal with people and find deep energy reserves within me begins to diminish.
Then, when life throws me a very difficult situation, (such as the death of a loved one or sudden unemployment) I have a true mental breakdown because my capacity to endure stress is now smaller than the level of stress that my life is requiring of me.
Let’s consider how this situation could have gone differently if I had consistently reached for a deeper level of emotional engagement and willpower with oscillation.
Some nights I would have come home and pushed myself to exercise instead of watch television.
I would sleep more deeply and soundly because of my exercise.
Some nights, I would have come home and felt like watching TV.
Instead of giving in, I would push myself to call a friend and strengthen a relationship with a friend or family member instead of watching TV. Because of the increased social support, my mind would be less taxed with worries.
Because of my efforts to push myself physically on some nights, my relaxation on other nights would become more effective (more deeply relaxing and recuperative).
My relaxation phase of the oscillation cycle would be deeper and more effective because I experienced it as a deeper contrast to the days when I was pushing myself to new limits beyond my comfort zone.
At first, this effect will be small. But it builds momentum with time as your capacity to truly and deeply relax becomes more satisfying relative to the degree of stress that you are exposing yourself to in other situations.
Your ability to find deep reserves of energy for the stress portion of the oscillation increases.
Unleashing Oscillation to Claim Your Man
Now let’s talk about how you are going to apply this idea to the world of dating.
As you know, the odds are against you.
Finding a guy you really like is hard enough.
Finding a guy who really likes you back is even more difficult.
But it is worth it and it will happen with the proper methods.
Don’t settle for someone that treats you fairly well.
Don’t settle for someone you sort of like.
With over three and a half billion men in the world, a person that is just right for you is definitely out there.
There are several variables we want to manipulate in your favor.
Here they are:
- The frequency of opportunities to meet new men.
- The number of men you interact with on a surface level.
- The number of men who see you and are impressed with you.
- The number of men who know you are available and looking.
- The number of recurring interactions with men that share one or more interests in common with you.
- The confidence you feel about yourself when actively learning about men who pass the first level of interest.
- The value you place on your time.
Okay, let’s go through each of these quickly and zero-in on the most critical reasons and action steps for each one.
And remember, these are just my ideas to get you started.
You know yourself and your situation best.
You will come up with even better ideas for applying the principle of oscillation to your own particular circumstances.
These examples just happen to apply to a lot of the women I have consulted with.
1. The frequency of opportunities to meet new men.
This one is kind of obvious.
But in practice, this basic premise for success with meeting men is often a sticking point that causes women to fail before they’ve even gotten started.
It’s inconvenient to go out frequently. It can wear you down emotionally.
It requires a higher level of energy to interact with people when you’re trying to impress them.
This is where oscillation comes in.
Start out by stretching your frequency of pursuing opportunities to meet new men.
Just do a little more than you have been in recent weeks.
Remember to oscillate.
Really push yourself for short periods of time, then completely take the pressure off yourself and relax for a few days or weekends.
You’ll be amazed at how quickly you accommodate to the stress of seeking out and also attending social events of various kinds.
Many women are surprised to find that finding out about social opportunities and expressing interest in them is the most awkward and difficult part.
In other words, getting invited is often the trickiest part.
I want you to train yourself to get better at it on purpose.
Don’t wimp out just because it’s hard.
You are worth it, and your relationship (that you could have for the rest of your life) is worth it.
Here’s an example of how you could apply oscillation in this situation.
You set a goal of four phone calls on Saturday to see which of your friends might be going out.
You call seven people on Sunday to invite them to a bonfire at your grandparent’s farm.
Yes, this means you might feel uncomfortable or nervous that only one person will show up.
You’ll get used to it and learn how to manage those situations when you allow yourself to face that sort of problem.
The next weekend you don’t push yourself at all.
The weekend after that you aim for five phone calls on Saturday, one to someone you don’t know that well (stretching your comfort zone just a little).
On Sunday you research two community events posted online (to attend in the next week or two with a friend or by yourself).
2. The number of men you interact with on a surface level.
For many women, showing up at a social event or other venue for meeting people is the easy part.
Many people struggle with the discomfort that comes from asserting themselves to initiate interactions with men.
I have specifically designed instruction materials available on my website, Be Irresistible, for the purpose of enhancing your skills with the subtle art of inviting attention from men.
For now, focus on applying whatever skills you currently have by oscillating.
In this situation oscillation will mean ten or fifteen minutes of purposefully pushing yourself outside your comfort zone followed by 20 minutes of allowing yourself to retreat to your more introverted ways.
3. The number of men who see you and are impressed with you.
This one can take on many different forms.
The emphasis here is on the word “impressed.”
This particular variable changes from one woman to another.
For you it may mean pushing yourself to a new height in physical fitness.
If you are a beautiful woman with a particularly self-conscious feeling about showing off your attractive feminine features, this one may mean practice with moving outside your comfort zone in terms of a more revealing choice from your wardrobe (or your friend’s closet if you’re really bad off).
If you are particularly shy, this variable may require that you leave your comfort zone to talk more when you are around men.
How will they be impressed with your intellect or witty sense of humor if you keep it to yourself?
Think about what you know about yourself.
Think about what your friends have told you when reflecting on your personality traits or style of interacting with others.
What could you work on using oscillation to increase the number of men who get the chance to be impressed by you?
4. The number of men who know you are available and looking.
This one is pretty straightforward.
It either is or is not a problem for you.
How do you know?
If you are embarrassed to ask your friends to set you up, you need to work on this one.
If it’s some kind of secret that you won’t discuss with your extended family members, you need to work on this one.
If you’re looking for a good quality man, one of the deepest reservoirs is the concept of six degrees of connection.
The idea is that every person in the world knows someone who knows you if we go six connections deep.
The closer someone is to you as a friend, the more likely they are to do a good prescreening and save you time when setting you up on a date.
Get over your fear of asking your friends and family to help you with the most important part of your life.
5. The number of recurring interactions with men that share one or more interests in common with you.
Here’s the idea with this one.
It’s easier to strike up a conversation with someone when you share something in common with them.
For example, it’s more natural and far less forced to strike up a conversation with a man who shares your love for a particular breed of dog at a dog show.
If you are into rock climbing, excuses for repeated interaction come more easily when you meet a guy at a local rock climbing wall.
It’s not just that it’s easy to strike up conversations and interactions though.
These are also people who you are more likely to want to partner with in life because they share some of your traits, characteristics, or interests.
Also, if they turn out to be a dud, you have had the opportunity to realize that in a natural setting before any kind of commitment was made.
You don’t have to break up with someone when you never started going out in the first place.
If you really enjoy literature, an ideal opportunity to repeatedly interact with men who share that interest might be a once per week evening course on writing at a local college offering classes to adults in the community.
When you interact with people repeatedly, it creates the natural conditions under which people find themselves falling in love.
You’re far more likely to feel a connection with someone you have met and interacted with on numerous occasions stretched out over a period of time.
Same goes for him.
6. The confidence you feel about yourself when actively learning about men who pass the first level of interest.
So you’re at this social gathering and there are two men who’ve caught your eye. Neither of them is wearing a wedding band, nor a hot chick on their arm.
Both are wearing pleasant smiles and pleasing jaw lines.
Is this where you freeze?
When the stakes are high because everything seems just right, some people find their anxiety going through the roof.
You end up acting strange and not really being yourself.
If you really want to get to know these guys and find out if they’re worth your time, you’re going to have to get comfortable with engaging deliberately to reel them in.
Remember, this doesn’t have to be so hard when you use oscillation.
With the principles of oscillation you can push yourself outside your comfort zone for just a short time to develop your confidence over time.
All it takes is two or three minutes of pushing yourself to be more assertive and outgoing in your attempts to get to know people.
Do this repeatedly with oscillation and you find that your confidence goes up… way up!
It happens naturally because, at its core, confidence is just a feeling of knowing what to expect.
When you’ve done it hundreds of times you’re confident in the range of outcomes you’re likely to encounter, and you are used all of those outcomes.
They no longer make you nervous.
You have built up your skills and also some calluses that will serve you well.
7. The value you place on your time.
It took a long time before I finally realized how important this last variable is.
I think women are just more caring and committed to the idea of a good relationship.
As a dating coach I have found it fascinating (in a painful way) how difficult it is for women to cut a loser loose.
I don’t use the term “loser” flippantly.
I don’t mean someone who doesn’t have a lot going for him.
I’m talking about people who don’t treat you well and who are clearly not interested in joining you to make the relationship the most beautiful it can be.
If every relationship you get into becomes a long, drawn-out, painful experience before it finally crumbles, you are slowing down your progress to a pace that will cripple your success in finding the man who is out there looking for you.
Valuing your time means setting boundaries.
Here’s where oscillation comes in.
Setting boundaries is something you do repeatedly.
It’s not something that you do once in a relationship.
You don’t have a talk with a guy once and then sit back to admire your work for the rest of the relationship.
In real life, people change slowly once they have developed a bad habit in the way they treat you.
Start by setting small boundaries in the form of requests.
Then move to “if…then” boundaries.
For example, “If you don’t call me or text me for three days in a row…then you can expect me to demand an explanation before I continue interacting with you.”
Oscillate towards standing up for (1) yourself, and (2) the standards you hold for a good relationship.
You’ll be surprised how often he reacts by either leaving or rising to the challenge and showing what he really has to offer.
Either way, you win.
As you develop your confidence and skills for setting boundaries and standards in relationships (and sticking to them) you will eventually move to a point where you are comfortable letting guys go quickly when they prove to be unworthy of your time.
I hope this brief report was useful.
I know there are a lot of questions that will arise in your mind as you contemplate the application of these concepts in your real-life situation.
If you’d like to learn more about educational materials I have created for women learning how men tick:
Wishing you the best in love and life,
1. When you merely look for ways to avoid stress, your capacity to endure stress diminishes over time.
2. Meeting the man of your dreams will mean a lot of time in social situations where action is needed. Feeling confident and relaxed in those situations will only come from willingness to endure short episodes of increased stress until your mind adjusts to the new level of effort you put into play in your social assertiveness.
3. Decide to live a life that involves massive commitment to your dreams. Don’t “sort of” go after a great relationship. Commit to massive action!
4. Learn as much as you can about dating and relationships, check out this great presentation.
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James Bauer is a dating and relationship expert who has coached couples to help them achieve a happier more productive marriage.
Image by Josh Willink found at Pexels.