So a guy friend of 7 years (former ex about 7 yrs ago) and I were chatting. We casually talk from time to time, but it had been a while so I asked how school was. I had no thoughts of anything past casual check-in/catch up on life then go back to normal. He responded and then said “Hey, so I don’t know if you still have my number or not, but here it is, we should text sometime.” So we began texting, casually, just catching up for a week or two…then it led to flirting and snap chat flirting, nothing dirty or whatnot but occasional teasing photos of our legs as a funny joke/flirt, but anyway. We literally talked daily for weeks on end and flirted almost the entire “talk” time. After about a month of this I started crushing and became blunt with him, I told him I was crushing on him and he said “Thanks for your honesty”. I was like wtf. So I proceeded to explain that I wasn’t interested in flirting for no reason and felt we should stop the flirting so it wouldn’t ruin the friendship we’ve had for years now. He said “I don’t flirt for no reason either.” Nothing more…so I was still confused but didn’t want to push it.
We stopped flirting for about a week then flirted the next week yet again, off and on, but not as intense as before. He said he was really busy (finishing finals for grad school – last semester of doctorate). Seemed logical. But now, we barely talk at all and I’m wondering if it’s because of me or if he just is not interested.
He started ignoring any of my direct questions, like I invited him to a weekend conference a few hours away from where he lives…he ignored the question. I initially chocked it up to business so I asked again a week or 2 later and he ignored that as well. I wasn’t implying we should hook up, just hang out. That was my first clue when the “I’m ignoring you” stuff started, I texted to see if he wanted to go to a concert – that was a week ago and he still hasn’t responded. There’s wehre I think “Oh he isn’t interested, leave it alone.” So I did. And when I don’t message him he snaps me. But if I respond to the snap, he won’t respond after that. Even if he says “How are you?” If I respond “Great how are you?” he will not respond. He hasn’t responded to anything I’ve sent in two weeks, maybe longer BUT HE SNAPS ME WEEKLY. I want him to either leave me the hell alone or balls up and be blunt. I don’t know what I’m supposed to think with all this, I think he doesn’t like me but he keeps snapping… I’m perfectly fine with no communication if he’d just stop. But everytime I get a snap I immediately think “Well maybe he does like me?” BUt maybe he likes another girl and I’m just on “standby”??
Like he even said things (in the beginning) like “I remember vividly when you would come over and hang out.” and “I wish we could’ve went out for wine, maybe we can do that sometime.” ANd now it’s a game?!
You have a few things going on here.
You told him you were “crushing” on him (which is not something I would recommend) BUT instead of proceeding forward, YOU stepped back leaving him with nothing but a mixed signal.
It is necessary for women to learn to interpret men’s very roundabout way of communicating with them. Man Code – The Art of Talk, Signals, and Actions
When some men (who are not conscious of dating or the courting steps) hear,
“I like you BUT we should not do this because I don’t want to ruin the friendship. We should stop flirting.”
– They will assume you ONLY want a friendship.
I mean “I” know what you were doing. You were giving him a green light but it just doesn’t work that way.
First, when you talk about flirting you generally ruin the chemistry and it becomes fake or doesn’t “feel” real anymore.
Flirting is sub-textual and when it is brought out in the open, tends to become less effective and sort of strange feeling.
It didn’t work out the way you wanted because you’re probably dealing with a guy who doesn’t get it.
He doesn’t understand what’s going on.
He also doesn’t know the next move OR isn’t capable of it OR is more into the challenge of you then the actual you. (The last one is the least likely scenario).
When he responded with,
“I don’t flirt for no reason either”
That was actually HIS way of telling you,
“I like you too. I don’t flirt for the sake of flirting. I have a purpose and I’m enjoying it. The reason I’m flirting with you is because I (want) you.”
Yeah, I know… men can be a little strange. 🙂
The second thing going on here is:
You took the lead. Probably because you got sick of waiting for him to step up his game.
You didn’t want this to go on forever and you just had to know where this “relationship” was going or where it stood.
Totally understandable, hey we all want to know, but I will say it’s NOT the best idea because it doesn’t work, as you’ve found out AND puts you into a lead “masculine” role.
If by some strange coincidence you find yourself in this position again… Remain patient.
Understand if a guy isn’t taking action then he either doesn’t get it, doesn’t want it, isn’t capable, AND it could take him way too long to go from texting or talking to more.
Patience aside – if he’s not moving forward within a reasonable amount of time, it’s up to YOU to walk away.
You see, when you took the masculine role on top of sending him a mixed signal of choosing friendship over “anything more” men will step back and begin to wait for you AND there’s a good chance their attraction (or urge to DO something) will decrease.
What you’re left with is:
He mistook your conversation as rejection. He saw you just wanted to be friends.
You popped the “flirting bubble” and made it harder to create the natural chemistry you were having.
He now feels you’re in charge of what’s going to happen because you took on more of a masculine leadership role and he’s left to play the “waiting game”.
All those mixed signals combined with the uneasy feeling of being rejected will more often than not, cause a guy to cower away.
He’ll become increasingly silent and reserved.
He’ll fear making the next move.
I understand it’s not all on you. Trust me on that.
It’s clear to me this guy tried to “tip toe” into something with you and it backfired on him. He only left you confused and more willing to be just done with him already.
Remember when you reconnected with him and he said this,
“I remember vividly when you would come over and hang out. I wish we could’ve went out for wine, maybe we can do that sometime.”
Well, that was HIS way of telling you what he wants from you NOW.
“In other words, when a guy says something, there’s very rarely any hidden meaning in it. He typically says what he means.” He’s Not That Complicated – Understanding Communication Differences
Instead of stepping up and backing up his flirting he tried some pretty sad tactics and not one of them were clear… so I can see how you think it’s a game. How you think he’s playing you.
Honestly, to me, it just appears he’s sort of clueless when it comes to it all and is playing it by ear, hoping he’ll get lucky IF he passes enough “hints” your way.
Now he feels like he’s in the friends zone with you just the same as before and will probably continue to act this way even though I’m sure a part of him is “hoping” he’s wrong.
Which is probably why he continues to “Snap” you.
Hopefully this has helped you not only see things from a man’s perspective but from a guy who has been on both sides…
I was clueless for so long that I too would only put out hints hoping she’d make the real first move and it got me nowhere. I lived in the friends zone while on dug myself further and further into it AND I wasted a lot of woman’s time and patience too.
Maybe some day he’ll get it too.
Your guy friend,
Are you looking for more reasons why guys do, say, or act the way they do?
Please check out my absolutely free “Why Do Guys…?” for more great info on men. All me 🙂 All original. Get the inside scoop on men straight from a man.
Is there a right time to tell a guy you like him? …Or should you tell him at all? If you’re not allowed to “tell” then how DO you let a man know you like him? Should You Ever Tell A Man You Like Him Or Ask If He Likes You?