“Better dates start with listening and enjoying. First dates are evaluative. Don’t waste them with a guy by forming opinions of him before the date itself. You don’t know him yet. It’s unattractive. It makes you nervous and self-conscious. Stay in the moment. Doing so will help you relax more and worry less. This is HOW you can enjoy some amazing dates with a guy and get him to feel attracted to you at the same time.”
The way we behave on the first couple of dates is what sets the tone for the rest of the relationship, whether it’s a week long or lasts for a lifetime. It’s a microcosm.
This is why the first couple of dates are EVALUATIVE in nature: each person, if they’re smart and accustomed to dating efficiently and effectively, is evaluating the other person to see if they’re likely to be a good ‘fit’.
For many women, this is really confusing.
Lots of women don’t realize that the first date(s) are evaluative in nature – they think that the evaluation has gone on BEFORE the date even occurs.
They think that if somebody asks them out on a date, they must have already decided that they ‘like’ her – as if this is a done and dusted conclusion.
This is not the case at all!
Yes, a man is INTERESTED if he asks you out on a date, or if he accepts your offer of a date.
But that isn’t license to get all excited and start planning your future together – or even to spend (waste?) time daydreaming about how cute he is, how well you’ll probably get on together, and what he’ll be like in bed.
When you take success for granted ahead of time, you’re setting yourself up for a major disappointment. Not just because, IF the date doesn’t pan out well, you’ll be disappointed (which, after having invested time and effort in daydreaming all these romantic daydreams about him, you will be) …
… but because counting your chickens before they are hatched is actually a CAUSE of a date going badly.
It all boils down to the EMOTIONAL SIGNIFICANCE that you invest in a particular event, and the pressure that that significance places you under.
For example, let’s say you’re on a date with a really hunky guy who you’re REALLY into. You think he’s great – in fact, you’re even thinking, “This could be The One!”
And because of the importance that you’ve invested this date with – the emotional significance that it now has for you, what with this guy potentially being your future husband and all – suddenly, everything is MUCH too important for you to be able to relax.
There’s too much at stake.
What if you screw up?
You’ll have ruined a potentially great relationship with this guy, who could even be The One!
What if he doesn’t like you?
What if you do or say something dumb? What if you RUIN everything??
That is the kind of thinking that your ‘mental chatterbox’ will subject you to, when you over-invest in an event’s significance. The pressure involved causes you to get stressed out, anxious, self-conscious, and jumpy …
… and it’s simply NOT ATTRACTIVE.
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In addition to all the weird mannerisms that nerves subject you to (like playing with your hair, sitting very stiffly and self-consciously, laughing too hard or nervously, talking fast or
not enough), you also become very PREOCCUPIED.
There’s another phrase that life-coaches and psychologists use to describe this state of mind.
They call it NOT BEING IN THE MOMENT.
When you’re ‘not in the moment’, you’re basically living inside your own head.
You’re distracted from what’s ACTUALLY HAPPENING by the judgments, opinions, and worries that your ‘mental chatterbox’ is supplying you with.
This quality of living inside your own head is what stops you from being truly attractive.
Instead, you’re preoccupied, self-absorbed, and not centered – the three hallmarks of the insecure and needy person.
(I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that neediness and insecurity are qualities that most people will RUN from.)
Being present, or ‘in the moment’, is one of the most ATTRACTIVE ways of being that you could ever hope to adopt.
It’s all about turfing out all your cares and worries about the past (which you can’t change) and the future (which you can’t predict), and just relaxing into your life and into the present moment.
Essentially, it’s being comfortable in your own skin, and in the way that things are right now.
When you’re free from your own pre-formed opinions and needs and desires on a date, you instantly become much calmer and more accepting.
You’re able to relax more, and get much more from the man you’re on the date with.
You can truly pay attention to HIM, see the world from his point of view, and really participate in the event.
You can always tell someone who’s truly in the moment because they seem so calm, accepting, centered, and enlivened. They make you feel good to be around. You know that, when they’re with you, they really are WITH YOU – not off somewhere in their own little world where you can’t follow.
When you think about it, this moment is the only one we ever have.
We do not exist in the past, or in the future – only RIGHT NOW, in the ‘here and now’.
And it’s in this present moment that everything that’ll have an impact on your FUTURE ‘here and now’ takes place – which is part of the reason why being fully present, and not permitting yourself to be distracted by the past OR the future …
… simply focusing your full attention on whatever it is that you’re doing right now, whether it’s talking to someone, listening to what they’ve got to say, eating a meal, doing the dishes …
… is so important.
And it’s very ATTRACTIVE, too.
Let’s take the example of being on a date to make this perfectly clear to you.
When you’re out with a guy, one of the most attractive things you can do is to focus your full, undivided attention on him.
You’re not craning your neck around, zoning out and thinking about whether you’re double parked, or checking out the waiter. You’re not saying, “What?” every two minutes.
You’re simply giving him the gift of your total concentration and full attention – just by LISTENING to what he’s got to say.
Not imposing any values on him.
Not judging him, or comparing what he’s said to your own personal agenda, or trying to decide whether you guys are going to be future soul-mates or not.
Not paying attention to the chatterbox inside your head.
Just LISTENING to him, and really participating IN THE MOMENT.
Here’s a passage from an interview with Marie Forleo, whose way of talking about the quality of being ‘in the moment’ I really appreciate.
She tells you that, if you want to try being in the moment when you’re out with somebody, you can actually train yourself to exist on that plane.
You can do this by COMPLETELY DROPPING the conversation that’s in your mind (your ‘mental chatterbox’), and putting your attention on fully hearing what your companion has to say FROM THEIR POINT OF VIEW.
You don’t have to agree with it.
You don’t have to disagree with it.
Don’t try and figure out if you know where they’re going with it.
Don’t make comments on it.
Don’t try to finish their sentence for them, or interrupt.
Just practice bringing yourself back to REALLY HEARING what they have to say from their point of view.
This is a really simple exercise to train you in being present in the moment – but it’s very effective, it’s very efficient, and it’s VERY attractive.
There is so much going on inside a man’s mind that he’s probably not telling you.
If you want to know what he’s thinking, and why he acts disinterested, distant, and pulls away… watch this video I put together for
Incidentally, I know this might be a little confusing at first – here I am telling you that the first dates are evaluative in nature, and then in the next breath I’m telling you to put your judgments aside and ‘be in the moment’.
Here’s a trick for you: YOU CAN DO BOTH.
Before you go on the date, you’ll ideally have figured out what it is, essentially, that you’re looking for in an ideal man.
You’ve got a fairly clear idea of what it is that you’re looking for.
When you’re ON the date, you put those desires and judgments-in-waiting to one side, and simply EXIST, devoting your attention to the present moment.
You wait to form opinions of this person and consciously evaluate the date when you can no longer gain more valuable information or input from what happens on the date itself – i.e., when it’s OVER.
You can do both!
You might feel at this point like there are a lot of little things to remember, attitudes to implement, and things to do and not to do. That’s OK. You don’t have to worry about it right now – learning a new approach DOES take a bit of effort at first.
But the more you practice doing it, the easier it will become, until being in the moment is no longer something that you have to consciously practice doing – it simply becomes part of who you are.
And when you reach that stage, it’s like magic – you really enhance your attractiveness, and (because others can sense your authenticity, and your ability to be comfortable in your own skin, and the fact that you’re a judgment-free zone) you form MUCH more meaningful, deep bonds with people.
So to wrap up for today, here’s a quick review of the key points we’ve covered just now:
First dates are evaluative by definition.
Don’t waste your time or energy forming opinions of a guy before the date itself. Remember, you don’t know him yet.
Investing too much emotional significance in a date is unattractive. It makes you nervous, jumpy, and self-conscious, and sets you up for disappointment.
Learn to be in the moment in order to be truly attractive, and to get as much out of your dates as you truly can.
Put your judgments to one side and just participate in the moment.
You can wait until after the date to form opinions. It’s not productive OR attractive to form opinions and evaluate while actually on the date.
Keep an open mind and put your mental chatterbox to the side.
Practice being in the moment by dropping your internal conversation (the chatterbox) and bring your attention fully to bear on the person that you are with.
Do this until it becomes second nature, and reap the benefits!
What you’ve been shown today on dating can be just the beginning for you…
Meeting and dating a great guy ALWAYS starts with you and your attitude towards life and yourself too.
You can learn how to get out of your head and into the heart of any guy you desire by learning how to stay in the moment.
You’ll find exactly how to do that, build your confidence, strengthen your already amazing flirting techniques and so much more in my get a great guy guide.
Take the game-playing out of dating, stop wasting your time on jerks, players, rude humorists, and guy who only act like they uninterested in you when you KNOW they are…
Thanks for listening… Your Friend:
Mirabelle Summers from Meet Your Sweet