Written by Rori Raye Author of best-selling eBook Have The Relationship You Want and free newsletter
If you’ve ever wished there weren’t another woman on the planet who thought your man was cute – I’ve got a better idea.
Once a man falls for you, if you know how to keep the attraction and the intimacy going strong, your relationship will be foolproof.
No other woman can ever capture more than a quick glance from him – his heart is yours.
If your man has a really good friend who just happens to be a woman, and it drives you crazy and makes you feel jealous and awful, I know just how you feel.
I remember one important man in my life whose best friends were all women – and they’d all once been his girlfriends, too.
I can’t forget the evenings I spent sitting on the floor of our apartment, eating dinner off the coffee table in the middle of the room, surrounded by seven of his ex-girlfriends, one of which I knew he still had feelings for but I somehow accepted it because she was gay.
I remember NEW women friends showing up in his life all the time, and I remember how hard I worked to turn each one of them into MY friends, even if I had to push my way into a dinner that was supposed to be just between “the two of them.”
It always had something to do with “work,” and it was always “just friends,” but they got better gifts on their birthdays than I did, they got more attention than I did, and they got better conversations with him.
It’s no wonder that relationship finally didn’t work out – but it wasn’t because of those women.
It had nothing to do with them.
They really were just friends – and the fact that he seemed to care for them more than he cared for me had nothing to do with them, either.
The problem was that I was unable to be with that man in a deep, connected way.
Not only could I not express my feelings, I couldn’t even find them. If you asked me then what I was feeling, I’d look at you, puzzled.
It took me a while to turn all that around, but with the techniques and Tools I developed to help myself and my clients, you can do it so much faster and easier than I did.
Here’s a letter from Emily, who’s stuck in a push-pull stalemate with her husband over his “friendship” with another woman:
“Dear Rori, I’m having trouble trying to understand my husband. He’s distant with me…He has a lady friend at work which I don’t like because whenever she has problems she calls him and my husband tries to be there for her. I keep telling him ‘she has a husband why does she have to tell you her problems?’. We are having problems because of her. I try to understand but my feelings and anger and hurt gets in the way… also trust. My husband wants to be family friends with this woman and I don’t want that – he just doesn’t understand me. He calls her everyday even if they see each other at work. He doesn’t give me as much attention as he does her. He also told me he doesn’t love me or have feelings for me. Ever since she has entered our life it’s been problems. What do you think I should do? I’m very hurt and confused I want him back to feeling the way he used to. Thanks Emily”
I just want to wrap my arms around Emily and hug her – and I also want to shake her.
I know you can see that everything she’s thinking about this situation, and everything she’s doing and saying is just making it worse – and yet I know that when you’re right in the middle of something that “feels” so awful – you don’t know what else to do.
Let’s pull apart what’s happening here, and why what Emily’s doing is not working.
- Emily’s husband has lost his “feeling” for her.
- He’s met a woman at work who interests him enough to want to talk to her every day, even after spending the whole day at work with her.
- Because he feels bad, and doesn’t want to end the marriage, he wants to keep this woman in his life with Emily’s blessing – so he’s trying to get Emily to accept her as “Okay” – he wants to make her a “family friend.”
- Emily’s understandably upset…but…
- She’s focused on this Other Woman – when she should be focused on HERSELF.
Bottom line, the problem is not this woman, it’s in Emily’s inability to attract her husband to her in a deep, emotional, intimate and cheat- proof way.
So – how does she turn all this around fast?
First, Emily needs to understand that this is about her and her relationship with her husband, and take charge again of herself instead of complaining about this woman.
Next, she needs to stop feeling jealous and start looking at the day-to-day life she has with her husband.
She needs to start seeing when and how he lost romantic interest in her, and then make some changes to get it back.
I’m not saying her husband’s blameless – but you can’t make a man feel something he doesn’t feel by TELLING him to.
You can’t ORDER him to love you.
If he’s behaving in an intolerable way, and you don’t want to make the changes that need to be made to save the marriage, then you can leave.
But you can’t push a man into Romance. You have to INVITE him.
And you have to invite him into romance with you even if you’re feeling sad, angry, resentful, and everything else Emily must be feeling right now.
It’s not. It just takes some new skills.
So how can Emily stop pushing him away, complaining and telling him what to do about this woman?
1. First – she can STOP talking about her at all.
That’s right. Not one mention. Not one complaint. Not one question.
If her husband should bring her up – such as “Let’s have her over for dinner, okay?” – Emily has to say what she feels and what she DOESN’T want in this situation.
That could look like:
“I feel uncomfortable having her over. I feel jealous of her, and angry with you about her, and I don’t like feeling that, so I don’t want her in our house.”
And then she stands there for a moment and listens to what he has to say.
If he tries to convince her, she just sticks to the same words: “I feel uncomfortable and I don’t want to invite her over…”
And then she can walk away from the conversation.
Or, she can go with “Sure.” And let her come over so she can see for herself.
2. Next – she needs to use all my Tools to start fresh in her marriage.
Reconnect Your Relationship is perfect for this – it will help her “Change Everything” – her “vibe,” the way her husband relates to her – everything.
3. This is all about changing her “energy” from being “combative” and “challenging” with her husband because she feels so mushy and weak on the inside, to feeling so strong inside that she can be a soft, alluring, magnetic woman on the outside.
If you’d like to read and see more about how Emily (and you, too) can quickly become a Modern Siren who irresistibly draws men close and makes them want to stick like glue to you, sign up for my free e-letters.
My Tools can help Emily get a handle on her own emotions.
If you’ve read any of these letters, you know I’m not about “hiding” your emotions, or “changing” them, or “distracting yourself” from even your most unpleasant feelings – instead, Emily has to dive in and become AWARE of how her feelings are hurting her and her marriage.
And in order to become aware of your true feelings, you have to feel them.
And once you can feel them, in order to create true intimacy with a man, you have to be able to EXPRESS your feelings with him in a way that doesn’t push him away – as Emily is doing by attacking him, trying to get him to act differently – trying to get him to LOVE her.
Expressing your feelings in an authentic way not only lets a man see who you are and get close to you because of your vulnerability – it allows him to feel SAFE with you.
For most of us, this kind of instruction sounds like a direction to “have a serious talk about the relationship.”
But that’s NOT what works. Later on, Emily might be able to say
“I feel bad about our marriage. It would feel so good to be close to you again…”
But that’s WAY later.
NOW – Emily needs to say things like “This feels so fun,” whenever there’s a moment of fun between them.
Emily needs to get into her own sexuality and sensuality and feel happy when she’s around him by finding things in her life that she can be happy about.
She has to take her focus off of him and find a way to experience happy moments for herself.
And then, she can share them with him – like,
“It felt so good to take a walk just now. I could feel the breeze on my face and the air felt so clean…”
There are so many things to express feelings about that have NOTHING to do with the marriage.
Try out these ideas, and if you’d like extra help, you’ll find SO MANY easy, fast, and FUN Tools in my newsletters.
Let me know how these Tools work for you, to bring your man close no matter WHAT’S going on – even if there’s another woman in the picture.
I believe that you’re incredible, and that with my Tools, and the bravery I know you have just from the fact that you’re reading my letters, NO other woman is a match for you.
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