I was approached by a woman last night.
She was someone I met a few years ago who was “just checking in” to see if I really was who she thought I was.
Of course I told her my name was Paul and she must have mistaken me for someone one else.
Then I accused her of using a lame pickup line on me.
I said, “You do know the old Don’t I know you? routine has been done a million times…”
Let’s give credit where credit is due… her willingness to approach a guy and not wait around “hoping” or “wondering” or “debating” whether a woman should approach a guy or not.
She deserves my pat on the back and even though she’ll never read this maybe we could use her example to solve this BIG issue of who is supposed to approach who.
As guys we’re expected to approach a woman. It’s our job, right?
On one side you have women being told ( or a social rule ) to never approach a man and the results are not good.
They’re missing opportunity after opportunity and throw another wrench into the mix…
You have lots of guys who are extremely afraid to even say “Hello.”
That was “my” way for years and I will say, with the right skills and superior social backing us guys can still become very successful at meeting women while never approaching one.
Except most of us are left with meeting friends of friends and some of them settle for whatever comes along.
Let’s put five girls and five boys in a room and separate them.
The girls are NOT allowed to start a conversation because the boys must prove their “manhood.”
They must display certain courage so the boy who has the balls leave his group and throw himself in the “lionesses” den becomes a man.
Thus proving to them HE IS the “Confident Alpha Male” of the group.
But what about the women?
Where does that leave them?
Which one will that Alpha Male choose?
Who will be the lucky girl who gets the guy?
Now in my world that makes just as much sense as taking advice from the “give a penny take a penny” cup.
Women are to wait for just one guy to step up leaving her no real choice in the matter.
As a woman, are you willing to give up on meeting those other four guys that easily?
Thus leaving you to stick around and compete with your friends over the one who appeared confident enough to approach your group.
I understand you want a man to prove himself in ways which go beyond “statements” or declarations anyone can just claim to be.
After all how can you know if a guy is for real or not unless he’s put in a situation where his actions can not be faked.
But I can guarantee you this. Please listen intently.
The kind of courage it takes to approach a woman has very little to do with a man’s overall confidence.
We can fake the approach. We can pretend we’ve done it a thousand times.
Hell If we’re real good at it we can use the same routine on a hundred different woman with more than adequate success at getting number AND dates too.
Think about it from this perspective.
How do people react in random situations they are not expecting?
They act from their core system.
Their so-called inner game.
Their instincts take over.
If you scare a man and he squeals like a little girl – what is that telling you about him?
If you scare a man and he turns and laughs it off like he saw it coming a mile a way – what is THAT telling you about him?
My point is…
These so-called rules of who approaches who were more than likely written at a time when our social interactions were limited and probably uneventful.
So why follow past theories when they don’t apply in our present world.
There are many ways to truly test men but the likelihood that you’re going to use goes down if men aren’t approaching you.
If your first test is “Will he come to me?” and then wondering why it’s not working for you… I say you’re missing real opportunities to truly find out how good or even how great THAT guy checking you out might be.
Sometimes I just feel we’re all still our young selves stuck against two walls hoping the mixer will just be over already.
Wishing and hoping the pain and frustration of being laid out like meat waiting to have our hearts slaughtered will finally be done. Pain free but still lonely.
For the men out there reading this…
A Woman’s attraction builds more slowly than yours. What you feel instantly when you first “check her out” usually takes a little while longer for her.
That means your approach, the anxiety you feel during that critical moment, how all the cards are on the table, she’ll either refuse you or allow you in – is in no way a personal judgement on how attractive you are. ( In most cases that is. )
She’s going to wait to see how you live up to who you are and she’ll figure it by the means mentioned. Deeper testing and getting to know you AND connect with you.
As for those few women who will instantly judge you to be unworthy based solely during the approach for whatever her reasons are – it’s probably just her social persona and her instinctive response.
Underneath the pretty face and crinkled up nose they are rarely who they appear to be.
And most of the time they’re more nervous than you are.
Lots of women love to please.
They enjoy being liked.
But put them on the spot like that can and will have them acting a little off guard at times and, based on societies “strangers” will definitely have them on guard just as often.
Face your fears of the approach because they will NEVER go away by themselves.
Learn HOW to talk to women AND strangers because that’s all the approach really is… Getting to know someone you didn’t know a few minutes before.
For the women out there who are reading this…
David Wygant was the first person I’m aware of that said it the best,
Stop waiting for men to walk up to you, and start smiling and saying hello.
Also – and this is really IMPORTANT, stop worrying about what they’re thinking.
You heard me…
I’m a guy, and every time a woman says hello to me I don’t think she’s coming onto me. I just think she is being friendly.
If I am attracted to her, I’ll come onto her and try to get to know her better.
If I’m not, then I’ll think nothing more about her saying hello to me than she was being friendly.
We’re no more complicated than that…. really!
I find that women who have trouble with this concept tend to worry too much about what other people think.
The bottom line is this:
Stop worrying about what other people think, and start enjoying yourself!
As for myself – I’m highly confident AND competent in my social world.
But in my daily life I don’t have time to approach every one of you.
I can NOT start a conversation with every woman I see.
I’d never get anything done. You understand that I know you do.
Yet I’m always willing to slow down for even just a moment to learn about you and so are lots of other guys too!
Don’t let some guys pass you by because you’re waiting for HIM to approach YOU.
Some guys have severe anxiety over “the approach” and some guys will turn out to be a complete bummer but you would not want men to instantly rule you out because of your greatest fear…. right?
So don’t rule out men because of some of their greatest fears.
I say screw the silly rule of women not being allowed to approach men.
You want to meet a guy, do as David suggests and just say “Hello” already and get it over with.
Grunt if you have to.
Just do something, anything which will have him compelled to stop for a moment and start talking to you – because that’s when you’ll gain a better picture of the guy over the constant mind chatter and thinking and wondering you might do while waiting for him to approach you.
For men AND Women…