First dates are kind of a big deal, aren’t they? You had such little time getting to know a guy before he asks for your number and when you agree to the date which puts enormous amounts of pressure on your first “real meeting“, it can cause some serious anxiety.
I’m going to assume you nailed that first impression. Great job! You know he’s “into” you or else he wouldn’t have asked you out.
But now those feelings of confidence and self-assurance are quickly replaced by nervousness and self-doubt…
You start fantasizing about that fist date and it’s not all fun and games and chemistry. Hundreds of questions with no “great” answers flood your mind. (More than I could ever mention here so be sure to comment some of your personal concerns below.)
Here’s just a quick few of the top of my head:
What if you run out of things to say?
What if you don’t say the right things?
What questions are you going to ask him?
What could you possibly talk about when you’re not sure who he is?
What are some common mistakes you want to avoid in your conversation with him?
And again – that’s just a few. You probably have a lot more – that is IF you want this date to go extremely well. Maybe you really do like this guy and you’re worried you’re going to screw it up.
But hey! STOP thinking so much. I can guarantee most men are going through the same nervous and anxious experience as you.
Secondly, dates are supposed to be fun for the BOTH of you.
You’re NOT alone on this ride.
AND… You have a secret weapon today!
When it comes to conversations with men I know what they want to hear, what your conversations must be about, and best of all how to talk to a guy so you can quickly find out who he really is while not ruining all the great fun and chemistry.
Now of course I can not get into everything today, you’ll have to wait for my book. 😉 But I can tell you backed up by my “wordly” guy experience and from everything I’ve learned from the best in this so-called dating game….
What NOT to talk about on a first or even a second date.
Avoid these classic mistakes, focus on enjoying those positive moments with him, and allow yourself to experience chemistry. Do so to the best of your ability and you’ll be well on your way to a third, fourth, and fifth date.
(You can add your own topic below based on your experiences or argue with me on a few if that’s what you’re into.)
I’m not going to bore you with a long discussion about each one but I will lead into how to talk to men successfully and why you want to avoid these topics. Make sure you read every word so you don’t miss a thing.
The tips will be short because just like I wouldn’t want you to bore your date, it’s the last thing I want to happen to you in this post…
Which leads to perhaps the obvious but must be stated number 1:
1. No long boring discussions about anything.
If he keeps nodding and saying “yes” or “uh huh” you’re probably doing it.
Change the subject immediately.
I realize this might seem trivial but never forget this is just a first date.
If you bring up subjects that take too long to fully engage him there’s a good chance it could end up being long and boring before you even realize it’s happening.
Even if it could be interesting in the end. Save it for another time and let it go quickly.
2. Don’t talk about past relationships.
If you slip and talk a little about them you must stay away from being negative about them or the person you were involved with.
Old relationships are in the past.
Leave them there for now.
Save the details for some other time IF you feel they’re important for a guy to know. Just please do not bring them up on a first date.
NO guy wants to listen to it just the same as you don’t want a guy bringing up the things he might have hidden in his closet too. Lots of people have baggage and it’s okay. Just NOT on the first date.
3. If you have children, keep them out of the conversation.
This is just a first date. Save this special material for later.
This also goes for your friend’s kids, your nieces, your nephews, and their kids and so on. I think you’re getting the point.
This is a first date and unless you’re at Chucky Cheese – flirt and have fun.
There’s just nothing sexual about this type of conversation and I feel ( along with a lot of other guys ) this discussion should be also reserved at a later time.
It’s best to not “sell” a relationship too early. You’ll have plenty of time to see how good he is with kids or qualify him for something more.
Children talks on a first date will easily destroy the flirty and sexual fun vibe and might lead to may awkward moments.
Just skip it for now.
4. Don’t “talk” about your job or career.
The secret words here are “job” or “career.” They often lead to number 1. ( Long and boring conversations. )
What you want to do instead is discuss your goals or passions and not what you “do.”
Even if they are one and the same.
Here is what I mean.
Job -> “This is what I do. I like it. The people are nice.”
Goals -> “You know what I really want to do some day…”
Notice the difference because it’s huge in many of your interactions with guys.
5. Don’t ask him questions which are, (this won’t be a big surprise) about his job, his children, or his past relationships.
You can break this one but you must be careful. Stay away from questions that don’t lead to a fun flirty conversation.
Here are some examples:
BAD: “What do you do for a living?”
BETTER: “Wow. You have wonderful hands. You must be a hand model.”
BAD: “How long have you been single?”
BETTER: “Haha! You’re a lot of fun. I bet you’re married. Let me check that finger for a ring.”
Notice the distinct difference and how one leads to boring stuff and the other is just having a great time.
6. Don’t give excuses on topics you feel like venting on.
Your attraction goes down with each excuse you give… guaranteed. If it doesn’t then how about something worse: You could turn a guy who is possibly qualifying a relationship into a guy who just settles for sex.
Sure you might find a guy who is willing to listen and I know you want a guy who can do that, who doesn’t, but if you are looking for a better than average man… no excuses or venting… Okay?
Remember – if you find a guy who appears to always be listening to all your problems I can guarantee there’s no real interaction going on.
The exception to this rule is when you’re demonstrating a quirky habit. Lots of men find quirky habits on a woman they FEEL attracted to extremely cute.
However always get that attraction first because without it, a cute quirky habit is honestly just plain weird.
7. Don’t complain about your life.
Again, like above, the more you complain, the less interested a guy will be in you for something more.
Just like the last topic, he may go along with it but you’ll turn a guy who is maybe looking for something more into the “Well maybe just sex with her would be cool.” kind of guy very quickly.
No exceptions here.
Refrain from any complaints about your life and how you wish it could be better. Stay positive. Stick to fun lighthearted themes.
8. Don’t talk about a bad day IF you’re having one and do not apologize for being in a bad mood.
If you want a man to become attracted to you even more, ( remember he’s on a first date with you so chances are he already sees something in you he likes) don’t ruin it by telling him you’re sorry.
If the date goes well there’s a great chance you’ll forget all about your bad day very quickly so let it go before the introduction.
The right guy can make your past experience feel like it was a hundred years ago so at least put on a happy face for now and if you can’t fake it – change the date to another night.
Remember – no apologies – no saying you’re sorry all the time if your bad mood leaks out. Avoid it by simply enjoying the moment and the date.
Bad days usually disappear before the actual night does and you can use this date as the beginning of a better day and not the ending of one.
9. Don’t interview him or ask questions about his religion or politics.
This may be a “no-brainer” but I felt it must be put here to make this a more complete list. And besides I’ve known plenty of women who have brought this stuff up and it’s NOT fun at all.
Ask open-ended questions which require a full engagement from him. This will help you avoid the interview style questioning.
Think OPEN-ENDED. Try your best to avoid ANY question in which he can answer with a simple yes or no.
The exception to this rule will depend on your religion and how much of a part in plays in your relationships with men.
However… Politics… Yeah… NEVER!
10. Don’t talk about the other men you are seeing.
Let him assume you’re dating other guys. Let him believe whatever he wants to believe which may or may not be going on in your personal life.
If you want to create a “special natural connection” with him you won’t do it by talking about some other guy he’s competing with for you, your time, and possibly your wonderful attention.
Better men who want better women will admit this to themselves or just matter-of-fact believe it to be true If you’re really that great of a woman, which you are because you’re reading this – OTHER men are certainly chasing you. There must be one or more guys who are trying to get with you… AND it’s not a big deal to him.
Aside from the whole competition thing I feel this type of conversation only leads to you telling him what you want from a man or what you are looking for from him and this creates many problems all of which we can not discuss today.
Yes, you DO want to communicate you’re also here (on the date) to qualify him but there’s a better way to do it without just telling him and definitely by NOT bringing up or talking about the other guys you’re dating or seeing at the moment.
Which leads us nicely into number eleven.
11. Don’t tell him what you are looking for (in a man) or what you are not looking for from a guy.
Think about it.
How do you respond when a man on a first date says things like,
“I really liked this girl but she was such a wacko.”
“I don’t want a woman who can’t smile or doesn’t laugh at my jokes.” (Hmmm maybe he’s just not funny.)
“I want a woman who can be there for me.” (As opposed to what, wanting a woman who isn’t there for him. See how bad this comes off to the other person.)
They just create tension and not the good sexual tension you want.
Your actions, how you move ahead with your conversations, and how your personality comes across will show all you need to be showing. No need to actually say it or anything like it.
Stating it blatantly only screams to a man that you’re a pain in the ass. It comes across arrogant and judgmental. No differently than when a guy does it to you.
As I stated above there’s always a much more attractive way to communicate what you expect from men or what you’re looking for from him.
How about this: We’re ALL looking for the same thing if we’re generally normal healthy people. Love, affection, fun, sex, happiness, health, family, etc… There’s absolutely no need to state it and because there are not many ways to do that without it coming off bad and possibly ruining that amazing first date.
12. Don’t talk about your last date if it didn’t go as planned – unless it’s a really funny story.
The exception would be if the last date showed up with his Mom, or his Mom dropped him off, yeah.. you might want to mention that because it could get your date started on a fun note.
I understand you might confuse this with some other items on this list of “no – no’s” but there’s a subtle difference here.
Your last date is not a relationship.
Your last date is not one of the other guys you’re seeing.
Your last date is not a marker set to see how well this one goes.
You see most women who compare dates find themselves almost always mentioning it at the worst time and it creeps up on you when you least expect it.
The point is, at least as part of this list, is staying in the moment.
And each thought you have which can take you out of those critical “attractive” moments must be avoided. This is one of those.
Your last date happened. That’s it. Focus on THIS date now and just sit back and enjoy the ride.
13. Don’t talk about money.
The exception would be if you’re offering to pay or you want to make it known you’re going to be splitting the bill.
Just keep it short and move on quickly.
Money always equals bad tension.
Money breaks up marriages.
There’s just too much negative associations with cash people rarely see.
There’s absolutely NO place for it on the first date.
Think about all the places talking about money goes – complaining, whining, bitching, greed, unhappiness, inequality… not one of those leads to happy moments which is where you want the first date to achieve.
14. Your hair, your nails, your clothes, and how you feel about them.
I can not tell you how much it turns off a man to listen to a woman tell him how bad she is looking today. It feels like you’re fishing for us to tell you it’s okay or even worse, that you have very little self-esteem.
But hey…feel free to talk about something unique you may have just bought to wear tonight and the story behind how you got it. That’s definitely okay up to a certain point because I’m more than positive you do not want a guy who’s into womanly stuff and excited to hear about it more than you.
Obviously you’re not talking to a girlfriend. You’re smart enough to realize that but think about what you’re going to do when or if the conversations go dry. Or those pesky little awkward silences that seem to creep up during the nervousness of a first date.
If you don’t have a “game plan” for those moments you could easily find yourself going into the “friendship” mode to ease the tension. And suddenly the “grooming” talk comes out of nowhere ready to ruin the night.
There you have it – 14 topics NOT to discuss on a first or second date.
If you’re thinking, where does that leave you? What is there actually left to talk about? Feels like anything you bring up will lead to one of those areas. I hear you and yes, it’s a real problem.
Happy to help you out.
NUMBER ONE: Follow a rule which is perhaps the simplest most profound way to a man’s heart… If it’s positive and fun for the both of you – go for it!
That leaves plenty of things to discuss. The world is big and exciting and whether you believe it or not, you’ve led an exciting life, been to many places, done a lot – there’s no shortage of good things left to talk about.
NUMBER TWO: This is ONLY a first date. Leave some stuff as a mystery. Don’t give it all away. Let him wonder. You only have to accomplish one thing on this date: Leave him wanting to see you again.
Don’t overshare. Challenge him. Give him every reason to think about you AFTER the date.
“A little intrigue is healthy in a relationship. It makes him want to pursue you, and put in the work to win you over. Men absolutely love a woman who’s up for a challenge. There’s a lot at stake when it comes to dating, but you still need to make it a FUN game for him.
Don’t give him what he wants all the time, and don’t smother him with sweetness.”
NUMBER THREE: Make sure you flirt with him just enough to keep it light and fun.
Although your intentions for flirting are to simply have fun with everyone, the ironic twist is that you’ll also happen to attract guys in the process!
When you come across as a lady who has a natural tendency to make EVERYONE around her FEEL GREAT, then that’s what good flirting is all about!”
NUMBER FOUR: Learn how to be an amazing conversationalist. This is so important it can NOT be stressed enough. Talking is just talking but talk with a purpose, speak to him in a way which develops and builds.
You’re not on a date just to exchange information.
Here’s a great start to assure you’re developing this important skill. It’s a free 35 page .pdf file:
Those four things alone will erase any need to bring up the 14 topics you should avoid in the first date.
I do hope I’ve made your next first date much more enjoyable and will help you in another clever little way – when you recognize how his conversation seems to include everything on this list – you’ll be that much closer to understanding men and refining your standards of what to really look for in a guy.
Have a great date!
This concludes this “episode” of the secret dirty truth about men. Make sure you stay informed and ready for the next one by signing up below.
Feel free to leave your experience or comment or topics to avoid below. It will help you get it out which in turn helps you remember PLUS you’ll find by sharing great information with other people – you’ll figure out exactly how much you actually do know and how much more you need to being it all together for you – to of course enjoy some amazing dates.
All the best. Your guy friend, Pete