Written by Slade Shaw, creator of Secrets to Make Her Crave You.
I recently got asked a question by one of my students: “What if you’re short and she prefers tall guys?”
The way I see it, confidence is one of those things that women often don’t THINK ABOUT being attracted to.
Ask a woman what she finds most desirable in a guy, and she might bring up things like height, humor, and a good career … but she’ll almost NEVER say anything about wanting a man with CONFIDENCE.
However, ‘confidence’ is one of those ‘intangible’ qualities that women don’t tend to THINK about you having … but they INSTANTLY PERCEIVE whether you have it or not.
And whether that confidence is present or not becomes the lens through which EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT YOU is seen.
So a woman who says that she only likes tall guys might THINK that she only wants guys like that.
But really, if she were to meet a guy who fulfilled that criterion, but who didn’t ALSO have CONFIDENCE, she very likely would feel no ATTRACTION for him whatsoever.
And that’s when she’ll start saying things like, ‘I don’t know, he seems great on paper … but I’m just not FEELING it.’
Here’s the interesting part.
If you are a confident guy – meaning, you have STRENGTH of personality and that it doesn’t matter overly much to you what a woman thinks of you – then it LITERALLY CEASES TO MATTER, for her AND for you, whether you’re tall, short, rich, poor, or whether you exterminate bugs for a living.
(No offense to exterminators … they’re good guys too.)
When you’re able to free yourself from the shackles of CARING about WHAT WOMEN THINK OF YOU, a radical and quantum shift occurs as a NATURAL BYPRODUCT of this attitude.
- You instantly maximize your masculinity.
- You forever leave the danger-zone of validation-seeking.
- You become able to ‘get’ the kinds of women YOU want, EVEN IF they profess to like qualities in men that you specifically do NOT possess.
For example, a lot of guys are put off when a woman announces point-blank that she likes guys who have a certain quality that they themselves do not.
Common ‘likes’ include muscles and height.
Both of these things are a ‘big deal’ for a most guys because they’re not EASILY CHANGEABLE. There’s not a lot you can do about your body composition or your height – at least, not quickly.
So when a woman says something like that, what should you do?
Does that mean that you now have ‘no chance’ with her?
Believe it or not: the answer is NO.
This is a prime opportunity for you to demonstrate some hard-core leadership and PROVE to her that, actually, YOU know better than SHE does.
And what you know is, of course, that it’s the FEELINGS she gets from guys who have those qualities that she really wants … not just the qualities themselves.
What she’s really saying is that she wants a STRONG and MASCULINE MAN.
So here’s my suggestion:
That you STOP caring about what women SAY they want.
The bottom line is, they just don’t know what they want until it happens.
There are flat-out unattractive men everywhere with beautiful women on their arms – and they got those women by sheer strength of PERSONALITY.
So if you can make a woman feel a certain way by YOUR strength of personality, then you can literally overcome ANY predilection for material qualities whatsoever.
Accepting this fact is a little bit like figuring out an equation that most guys just DON’T GET.
There are 3 ways of looking at it.
Caring about what women want + NOT having ‘desirable qualities’ that women consciously want = ongoing LACK of success.
Caring about what women think + HAVING ‘desirable qualities’ that women consciously want = some initial success that’s inevitably POISONED by a weakness of character and desire for validation, followed by a long slump into tepid mediocrity.
NOT caring about what women think + having desirable qualities OR NOT having them = radical, ongoing success with the women that YOU DESIRE.
Clearly, the mitigating factor is whether you have the confidence in yourself to prioritize what YOU THINK first and foremost. It all boils down to self-esteem.
Caring too much about what women think of you (translation: validation-seeking) is a BENCHMARK of ‘unmanly men’ who WANT to be wanted by women … and who might even have those qualities that look good ‘on paper’ … but who can never seem to CONVERT those ‘on paper’ qualities into ACTUAL TANGIBLE SUCCESS with women.
Women like manly men, right?
Meaning, they like men who are strong, in control, and who don’t beg and crawl for approval.
But many many MANY men are seriously intimidated by a woman whom they perceive to be attractive … to the extent that they actually LOSE whatever veneer of ‘coolness’ and confidence that they usually possess, and INSTANTLY accede authority and right-of-refusal to HER.
And this is when that switch marked ‘attraction’ in her head gets turned permanently OFF, because you are instantly perceived as no longer being able to fulfill her most basic of needs in a potential partner … namely, that you’re a MAN.
You’ve gotta MAN UP.
So … what about looks? What if you genuinely think that you’re an unattractive guy?
Something that puts a big dent in the confidence of a lot of guys is the fact that they don’t perceive themselves, deep down, as being the kind of guy that a quality woman would want.
So they end up thinking they’ve got to try and ACT confident, without really FEELING it.
Of course, this particular approach tends to lead to a big brick wall, because truly great women can sniff out in-authenticity … and not only that, but they can ALSO usually put two and two together, and figure that, if you’ve got to ‘act’ confident, there must be a pretty good reason why you’re not actually GENUINELY confident …
… i.e. there must be something ‘off’ about you.
The idea that you’re not PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE enough is something that a lot of guys get hung-up over.
And I think most guys would actually be OK with feeling ‘average’, or even LESS-than-average, looks-wise … if it wasn’t for those damn good-looking guys who have women all over them.
Or if they didn’t have to overhear a couple of secretaries at the office water-cooler dribbling over how ‘buff’ some guy at the gym was.
It’s this kind of stuff that gives men the idea that LOOKS are the primary determinant of success with women … and it’s what makes them think, ‘I’m ugly. So I may as well not even bother.’
Bottom line is, most men wish on some level that they were better looking, because they want to know how it feels to turn heads and have it EASY with women.
And yeah, it’s true. Looks definitely help.
BUT … they don’t matter NEARLY as much as you think they do – OR in the WAY that you think they do.
Let me explain.
It goes without saying that you’ve got to do the best with what you’ve got.
But that’s obvious.
What’s NOT so obvious is that, as long as you’re treating your body as if it’s worth something, have got some personal style going on, and are meeting basic standards of hygiene, your actual LOOKS are not important.
Here’s the deal:
APPEARANCE matters … LOOKS do NOT.
See the difference?
And of course, APPEARANCE matters because it’s a benchmark of how well you treat yourself. If you’re slopping around without an aesthetic care in the world, that’s going to broadcast the idea that you can’t (or won’t) take care of yourself … and if you can’t take care of yourself, chances are that you can’t take care of much else in your life.
In other words, you’re not a ‘together’ kinda guy.
It’s hopefully becoming clear here that AUTHENTICITY and CONFIDENCE are REALLY the issues at hand.
This is what I mean.
If you’re taking good care of yourself because you happen to FEEL GREAT that way, and because you respect and value yourself – rather than as a ‘tool’ to get more attraction from females – then chances are, top-notch women are going to recognize that inherent confidence in you and be DRAWN to it.
And then, they’ll be charmed by the ‘cherry on top’ personal-style thing you’ve ALSO got going on.
Of course, the reverse is also true. If you’re trying to use looks as a shield to hide behind, and as a facade to prevent women from noticing that your PERSONALITY is actually not so hot, then that will be duly noted as well – and you may find that the women you DO attract tend to be the ones who are ‘fixated’ on exteriors.
Your motivations are like a ‘set point’ for the RESULTS that you end up getting.
Men tend to be pretty visual creatures. We need a woman to be physically attractive to us before we can feel attraction for her. So it makes sense – at least on a logical basis – for us to hold ourselves to the same standards.
But here’s the deal:
Women don’t actually care about looks nearly as much as you probably think they do.
Even if they SAY they want a man who looks a particular way, it’s actually what’s UNDER the looks that counts: namely, the ability to be SELF-VALIDATED. To be OK with how you look, to act like you’re WORTH something, and to not try to overcompensate for any perceived ‘flaws’.
Women are attracted, deep down, to men who AREN’T SEEKING THEIR APPROVAL. They want a strong, in-control MAN.
In real-life terms, this means that they don’t want a guy who is worried about what they think, or whose confidence has a big ol’ dent in it because he’s balding on top or shorter than he’d
like to be.
And they don’t want a guy who comments on his ‘bad points’ or asks them if they think he’s attractive or says, as she runs her hand over his stomach, ‘I’m doing sit-ups and it will be flat in a month.’
Because this stuff all SCREAMS ‘VALIDATION NEEDED HERE!’
If you have something that you don’t like about yourself … just be COOL about it. Don’t mention it. Don’t point it out. Don’t apologize for it. And DEFINITELY don’t ask her if she ‘minds’ or if it ‘bothers her’.
If she’s with you, it doesn’t bother her. Don’t make it an issue.
If you’ve got confidence in yourself, and you act like your quality is a given, and as if you have some pride in yourself and your own worth … specifically, as if you have some VALUE … then you’re definitely being a MAN.
You’re leading. And that’s a good thing.
So … what if you have some SERIOUS hangups about the way you look?
What if you’ve got oozing acne, a bald patch that you’re hideously self-conscious about, or Coke-bottle glasses held together with a band-aid over the nose?
Well, first of all, let me remind you that confidence is to a large extent about having PRIDE in yourself, which means taking good care of yourself inside and out. If you’re not acting like a guy who treats himself with worth, you can’t expect other people to see past that.
Take that insecurity as the necessary foot in the butt that you need to DO something about any serious external ‘issues’ that you’re hung up about.
Go see a dermatologist, consider getting Lasik, and shave your head (balding isn’t optional but shaven-headed is … oh and by the way, it REEKS of confidence.)
And one other thing:
I’m suggesting these ‘developments’ not because you NEED to do these things to be great with women (although it certainly will help.)
But let’s talk turkey.
Really, why sabotage your success if you don’t have to?
And secondly, let’s not forget about VISIBLY being a ‘high value’ guy, which means that you should never underestimate the importance of treating YOURSELF like you’re worth something.
Inside and out.
And thirdly … most guys find it very hard to get past these ‘issues’ FOR THEMSELVES.
It’s not the acne or the glasses or the bald spot that turns women off … it’s the CONFIDENCE ISSUES that these things give to the man who has them.
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