Who Pays For A Date, The Guy Or Girl ? Must There Be Rules In Dating?

Dinner Date Buy Pay Who

A while ago I was “counseling” a woman on the phone on dating, or maybe she was teaching me…Anyways she told me a story about her thoughts on who should generally pay for the date.

The beginning is typical and the details are not important.

They met, exchanged numbers and set a date and time to meet up again.

Her life was a little complicated and she didn’t realize she couldn’t make it so she had to cancel.

I believe he was okay with her cancelling but SHE wasn’t and immediately looked for a way to make it up to him. She bought advance tickets to a show, and then invited him along.

Except he had a real problem with this.

The tickets were already paid for and he did NOT like that at all.

He refused to let a woman pay for anything on a date and when she refused to let him pay, he outright refused to ever see her again.


…End of story.

Here was this incredible woman who worked her ass off for her money and she wanted to share something with him, yet he was not open to it at all.

Maybe it was his Ego. Maybe he called it a form of chivalry or something.

Maybe he believes our money and how we spend it are the defining lines between man and woman. I supposed some people do think that way.

The fact is when you meet a woman who is successful in her career and makes some money AND enjoys sharing it with others ( especially you ) …

Where do you stand?

Are you ( as a guy ) going to let her pay AND if you do, how will it make you feel?

Will you try to make it up to her after or worse, feel like you have to match her money?

If it continues will it make you feel like less than a man? So you’ll take it but slowly lose respect for yourself like you’re some “man-candy”?

Great questions but supposedly there’s something bigger going on as in:

Where can a casual date possibly go when the first issue which comes up is financial?

Relationships DO require one person to mainly take the lead on certain things. These leads can be split up but for a relationship to eventually work out, someone must be the true leader.

Chances are if it’s not handled correctly and quickly it WILL lead to problems.

Should there be a rule as to who pays to avoid this non-chemical, non-attraction, problem which could easily ruin a moment?

Perhaps maybe, but to place rules on dating just to avoid an awkward moment may not be worth it. If it’s a serious problem then I’d assume the “money” part would be the first of many more anyways.

Such as when a man or woman uses their money to gain respect, create attraction, or get someone to “like” you more just because you’re throwing your money around.

Doing so says something about you and I’m paraphrasing the great David DeAngelo here because it’s something which has always stuck in my head,

“It says you have little value for yourself and money is the only way you believe a woman will date you.”

So if, after a few dates you tell someone you want to show them a good time and you value your self more than your money, then sure, why not pay for a great night out exclusively. “Wining and dining” someone has its place in romance, just NOT in attraction.

Of course there are always exceptions and once again what I learned from David was, if it’s truly who you are and you live a lifestyle of luxury, then why not pay. But IF and ONLY IF it is just who you are.

Now on the other side…

What does it say about a woman who absolutely refuses to pay for anything?

I admit I have yet to meet many women, if any at all, who share this view but I’m positive they are out there.

This type of woman might only get what she’s looking for… A man who feels he’s must always be the provider. To each their own though right?

I don’t normally judge social rules. I’m just very opinionated on the more specific “rules” which tend to limit our choices in dating.

The inherent problems associated with all this “Who pays for the dates” seems to create more issues than can be solved by a simple rule book which would be impossible for large groups of us to agree on anyways, right? Hard to find any group of anyone to agree fully on anything let alone a rule-book on dating.

My SOLUTION is based on the advice often given on what a date “should” be which happens to not only create the right attraction but also allows us to see our date for who they are and not someone showing off their “best”  behavior.

There are so many inexpensive things to do where both of us can pay our own way and still have a great time.

What better way to get to know somebody by staying active and having fun… just doing anything together.


Find inexpensive things to do where fun and interaction are on the table and keep the cost low and easily manageable.

You want them to work for you then please, make sure you contribute and leave your opinions or ideas.

Dating does cost a little money when it’s all added up but we are, in a way, investing in our future…

Who do YOU think should pay and how do you feel this can be handled so we can get to the fun stuff quicker?

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2 comments… add one
  • Winnie

    I consider myself a pragmatist…or pretty damn close to a full-blown one. I will lay out my views on the matter:

    1) While you are still dating and not in a monogamous relationship, the man should always pay. Aside from exceptions listed below:
    a) The female asks the man out to an event/activity
    b) It is known that the female makes considerably more money than the man (e.g., a CEO decides to date a mechanic and they both are aware of the difference in their incomes). This would apply only to situations where there is a reasonably large income gap of which they are both aware. In this case, it would probably be appropriate for the female who makes more to at least offer to split the majority of the tabs when they go out. Considering, of course, that the man at least initially pays for the first couple of dates in order to establish good and honorable intent.

    2) Once you are in a monogamous relationship, it should be 50/50-or as close to it as two people could get.

    • Peter White

      Thanks for sharing Winnie…. always appreciated. 🙂

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