Us women are brought up with a really GOAL-ORIENTED approach to life. We don’t sit back and passively let life wash over us – we have our eyes on the prize.
We know what we want, and we’re taught to take active steps to get it.
We’re told to rely only on ourselves: that if we want something, it’s up to US to MAKE IT OURS.
We have learned to engage fully in our lives and rely on OURSELVES to fulfill our ambitions and desires.
This is an admirable approach to LIFE.
It’s NOT an admirable approach to DATING.
When you begin to view DATING in this way …
… as a series of milestones to be passed and achievements to be accomplished …
…that’s when AAAALLL the fun gets sucked right out of the process.
Remember when you were a teenager and you’d just started out dating? It was an exciting, happy time, wasn’t it? You were getting to know all these new people, it was interesting and fun, you were learning things about YOURSELF at the same time …
… and, best of all, you didn’t really have any expectations. You weren’t expecting those guys to be your future husband – you were just in it for a good time.
As we grow older, our expectations naturally grow and change. It seems almost inevitable that the older we grow, the more we perceive pressure on us to find and keep a ‘good catch.’
It’s not FUN anymore.
In fact, it’s almost like WORK.
You map out a game plan, put in the hard yards, do what you think you have to do in order to get what you want … and then you expect RESULTS.
The main problem with this attitude is that, by focusing all your energies on the END-GOAL, you miss out on the beauty and light-hearted fun of the middle part!
That’s right – dating can still be FUN (remember fun?) You can still enjoy each and every interaction with a single man that you have, whether it ends up going anywhere or not.
And best of all? This fun-loving, light-hearted outlook is the attitude that’s most likely to actually land you the perfect man of your dreams!
(I know … ironic, isn’t it?)
When you think that finding The One is a GOAL that you have to ‘get’ in order to be happy and fulfilled, then your horizons shrink. You become super-focused and driven: you want results, results, RESULTS!
Like the go-getter that you are, you focus on what you want to get and STRIVE to achieve it.
You work hard at attracting the ‘right man’.
You figure out strategies that you can use to ‘catch’ this dreamboat.
You might even write lists of the features that The One ‘must’ have in order to qualify for eventual status as your future husband.
This is an EXCELLENT approach to adopt … in the boardroom, the office, or wherever your place of work might be. But dating should NEVER be the same as work – and, even more importantly, your attitude must reflect this fact!
When you take a ‘working’ attitude to dating and relationships, all the good times and enjoyment gets boiled right out.
The whole thing turns into a dried-up, joyless, achievement-grubbing MESS – and YOU end up nursing a stress migraine, comfort eating on the couch, and bewailing your lack of success.
You need a wake-up call!
It’s time to take control of the area of your life dubbed ‘relationships and dating’ … and the most effective thing you can do is to adjust your ATTITUDE.
Your attitude is TRULY what defines your success with dating and men. So it’s up to you, and you alone, to make sure that your attitude is as ATTRACTIVE and GENERATIVE as possible (meaning that, your attitude is attractive, and therefore it generates success.)
It’s time for you to learn how to create AND MAINTAIN the most empowering attitude you’ll ever have to dating, relationships, love, and men.
This attitude will truly set you free – and, at the same time, it’ll take you giant-steps closer towards getting the relationship of your dreams.
You have to learn to LET IT ALL GO.
You have to learn to stop caring so much about finding ‘the right man’!
Once you’ve released your hold on this goal, and stopped trying to impose your own order and method on the universe, you have SOOOO much more energy to devote towards the things that really count … like enjoying life.
Like maintaining rewarding relationships.
Like taking care of YOURSELF.
And – surprise, surprise – it’s when we’re really, authentically absorbed in living the most rewarding, enjoyable life that we can … and when we’re not obsessing over creating RESULTS … that the perfect guy for us will come along.
And before you go rushing off to use this theory as a new way to ‘land’ you the ‘catch’ of your dreams, I’ve got to stop you right there.
For this approach to work, you’ve got to embrace it genuinely and honestly.
And that means, learning to engage in your life FOR ITS OWN SAKE, not just as another technique for ‘getting’ a relationship or a particular man.
It’s only when you’re really authentic that it will work for you!
Look, I understand TOTALLY that dating can be hard work sometimes. Attending singles dances and parties, asking your married friends to fix you up, networking, mingling at parties … sometimes, when the field has been fruitless for awhile, it can feel almost like you’re trapped on an endlessly-revolving gerbil wheel.
But when women become jaded about the process of looking for love, they attain a certain hard, cynical, almost STONY quality. It’s like all the life, laughter, softness, and femininity has been sucked right out of them.
They stop enjoying themselves, and become almost BITTER.
They’re not hoping for love – they’re expecting it. And when those expectations are disappointed (as they inevitably will be, with that kind of attitude), those women use this failure as further evidence of the impossibility of finding true love.
Thus, they become even MORE bitter and resentful.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Needless to say, this is not an attractive attitude to have.
A woman who’s sick of the dating game, who’s had her ‘expectations’ disappointed one too many times, is EASY to spot for most men.
She’s the one making cynical jokes about how she would have been better off staying at home watching ‘Sex and the City’ reruns.
She’s the one who has maybe had a few too many drinks ‘to get her going.’
She’s the one who’s lacking that oh-so-important SPARKLE … which is the look of a woman who’s really enjoying herself, who’s having a great time, and whose happiness doesn’t depend
on whether she gets ‘success’ or not.
If you feel as though you’re sick to death of looking for Mr. Right, then you HAVE to take a moment and rethink your approach.
Those dates might yield a rewarding relationship … or they might not. And if they don’t, that doesn’t mean that they were a waste of time.
It’s up to you to ask yourself, ‘Where is the gift in what just happened to me? What can I learn from it? How can I use this experience to grow?’
When you learn to do this, you will truly learn and develop as a woman – and the experience of dating will achieve a new significance and reward for you, regardless of whether it produces a relationship or not.
I’m sure you know that the men who are really worth being with want the kind of woman who’s got herself sorted … who has her attitude centered around sound values, psychologically and
The thing that so many of us forget is that dating about the JOURNEY just as much as it is about the destination. And, ironically, when you’re too focused on making something HAPPEN, you’re in that area.
If you’re totally driven to ‘get a man’, then you PROBABLY WON’T GET ONE.
Look, here’s how it works.
If you have a full, busy, interesting life of your own, that you ENJOY living …
… with a life, hobbies, career, interests, and friends of your own …
… then you don’t really NEED a guy to ‘complete’ you. You’re not a needy leech, waiting desperately to be rescued. You’re a fulfilled, stable, balanced woman with a GREAT life of her
You don’t NEED a man – or a relationship – to complete you!
THIS is the attitude that will save you from the hell of the, ‘I’ve GOT to find a man’ attitude.
It will save you from the stress and strain of trying to FORCE something to happen whenever you go out on the prowl.
And it will enable you to relax, kick back, and have a laugh when you’re out socializing and meeting new people.
Here’s how it works.
If you’re out at a party in GOAL-ORIENTED mode, everything about you is angled towards ATTRACTING A MAN. You’re self-conscious – and IT SHOWS.
You’re tense, agitated, and fizzing with nervous energy – and EVERYONE CAN TELL.
And, even worse, if things don’t seem to be going to plan … like if there are no eligible men present, or you haven’t been asked to dance … your whole night is RUINED.
On the other hand, when the outcome of an event ISN’T of earth-shaking importance for you, you’re able to be your REAL self.
THIS is the self that has fun, that ENJOYS herself … and, coincidentally, it’s the self that’s MOST ATTRACTIVE to others.
Everyone wants to be around the relaxed girl who’s having a great time.
NOBODY wants to be around the woman whose whole being is angled towards success, success, SUCCESS.
Learn to think of dating and relationships as just one more aspect of your full-to-the-brim, energetic, fulfilling life – NOT that it’s life’s purpose.
When you do this, you’ll notice that 2 incredible things start to happen:
1. You relax, your stress levels decrease, and you yield to the beautiful harmony of life.
You trust in the abundance of the universe (what Dr Alex Benzer calls ‘wealth consciousness’), and feel confident that everything will turn out okay,n WITHOUT you having to agonize over it.
You find a new sense of balance. Essentially, you begin to enjoy yourself … a LOT more.
2. You become INSTANTLY more attractive to men.
Your relaxed, carefree enjoyment of life is totally irresistible to most people – after all, we ALL want to be around somebody with a genuine zest for life. Your natural effervescence will boost the mood of any man who comes near you – and THAT is authentically irresistible.
So please. For your own sake, as well as the sake of all those men out there who are praying that, one day, they’ll find a woman just like you…
Learn to LET GO a little bit.
Yield yourself to the rhythm of life.
Accept the fact that you don’t have to stress, strive, and agonize over your appearance and attractiveness in order to BE attractive.
Accept dating for what it is: a fun, light-hearted part of your life.
Eventually, you WILL find the man of your dreams …
… So instead of stressing and straining about how to find him, meet him, and attract him, don’t you think it’s a better idea to LET GO of your worries, ACCEPT that ‘what will be, will be’, and simply enjoy the ride?
Take the game-playing out of dating, stop wasting your time on jerks, players, rude humorists, and guy who only act like they uninterested in you when you KNOW they are…
Thanks for listening… Your Friend:
Mirabelle Summers from Meet Your Sweet.
- Image found at Pexels by Pixabay.
- “The Tao of Dating : A Smart Woman’s Guide to Embracing Your Inner Goddess and Finding the Fulfillment You Deserve” book on Amazon written by Dr Alex Benzer.
- Dr Alex Benzer – Tao of Dating homepage.
- Sex and the City on Amazon.
- More advice articles written by Mirabelle Summers.