Why Men Go Silent And Fail To Share Or Communicate How They Feel


Man are action orientated. Men have fears of secrets revealed. Primitive man are born hunters and it explains many of the reasons why silence is safe.

Have you ever wondered why men go silent?

I know every woman at sometime in her life has wondered the real answer to his “lack of communication.”

If you’ve ever wondered, asked, or talked about anything below then I’m urging you to read on because I’m going to give you the real truth behind his silence…and all of your questions…

“Why won’t he talk to me?”

“Why do guys hide their feelings?”

“Why won’t he tell me he loves me?”

“Why are men seem afraid to talk about their feelings?”

“Every time I want to talk about where our relationship is going he gets angry and cold.”

“All he does is nod and say ‘uh hu’ and then goes right back to his game or whatever he is doing. What does he always ignore me when I just want him to listen?”

“I ask him an important question which only requires a simple answer and it’s like he doesn’t even care.”

It’s my bet you can not wait to hear the absolute truth. Like you’re just itching for an answer… I can keep teasing you about it until you smack me up side the head.

If I keep this up you’re going to assume I’m like every other guy you’ve known refusing to answer what seems to be a simple question about how I feel.  🙂

Ahhh I got you there. Okay…I”ll get on with it.

But first you’re going to need a reminder or an education on the evolution of the male side.

Men are instinctively natural-born hunters and we’ve evolved from that. So talking  was not exactly the smartest thing to do when we were hunting our next meal.

Hunting often requires almost complete silence.

If we’re in a group we could use hand gestures (or actions) to formulate the attack.

The last thing we wanted to do was scare away our prey. Now this is just a theory but the guy who did scare away dinner probably didn’t make it home…

Silence equals safety especially when dealing with an animal who could rip us to shreds.

That and a few other reasons is why man’s primary form of communication evolved differently than women therefore men have learned to communicate with actions, hand gestures, and directly focused eye contact.

So what does this have to do with men not sharing their feelings or talking intimately with their wives, girlfriends, or even the quiet girl at the end of the bar just looking to meet a nice guy?

As I mentioned above we are action orientated. 

It’s not often what is coming out of our mouths but what we do and we’ve learned to be very good at it. (At least in our minds because sometimes it’s hard for men to clearly see how you might be missing our point or how you’re looking for vocal reassurance on how we feel about you or anything.)

Consider this because it explains how our actions will ALWAYS show how we feel.

When a guy is acting sweet…

When he is sharing intimate moments with you…

When he is there for you…

When he wants to be in your life…

That is our action orientated way of telling you we care. Yes, in our minds we may be guilty of assuming you are understanding us when you don’t.

Now that I’ve shown you a little about how a man’s mind works and how it’s more important you understand our actions means more than our words….

Why will a guy choose silence over talking to a woman?

There are several reasons for this and I’ll give you a small glimpse into what a man might be thinking in certain situations:

“I didn’t want to lie about how you looked or how I felt that day.”

“You didn’t look good and I didn’t want to hurt your feelings and cause a huge fight over something I feel is trivial.”

“I don’t want to ruin my day. Let’s say I’m having a great day and then you ask me a question which I know will lead to a huge discussion about how we feel about each other and if I don’t answer correctly it will end up in a fight.”

“I don’t think about our relationship as much as you do. I believe if things are going good we should just go with it. Why bother rocking the boat.”

And how about this.

Our vulnerability must be kept in check. If we open up too much we’re considered a wuss.

If we open up too little we’re considered a jerk.

It’s a fine line to walk and most men will opt for the jerk side because, well, we’re men and not wusses. Just like in court anything we say can and WILL be used against us at later time.

Think of a man who has been in a few failed relationships. It only stands to reason he is expecting another breakup. He could actually have a fear under a bad breakup  you might reveal his intimate private secrets.

Sure it’s probably not going to happen but I believe men do fear that a woman will tell everyone his secrets which will make him appear less than a man.

Next up…

There are groups of men who do not have a clear understanding of what love is. The last thing men want to do is tell a woman he loves her only to find out his definition of love is different from hers.

Our mom’s love us growing up.

Our father’s act like we do, men.

Add puberty and sex to the equation of “love” it can be very difficult for any guy to conceptualize what love really is.

I know that may be confusing so think of it this way.

We’re taught to love our Mothers and respect our Fathers and as we grow we’re supposed to love our girlfriends and respect her too.

When you add our raging hormones demanding we procreate and release our sexual frustration you get one confused man who probably functions much better by just keeping his mouth shut.

Like I clearly stated above…. sometimes it’s just best to keep quiet because… Being quiet means being safe.

Lastly I want you to consider how confused men can get and why it could easily cause him to go silent.

We all know men who have been at least fairly successful with women despite their inability to communicate with her. He might even believe…

“Why should I start saying anything when what I am doing is working?”

To him he’s only doing what has works and if he tries something different this can cause more problems than he’s willing or able to solve.

And what about…

When a man shares too much of how he feels he appears needy.

When a man doesn’t share enough of his feelings he could miss out on something or find the only women who are attracted to him are interested in changing him. By constantly trying to open him up.

If we share too much of our feelings too quickly women assume we’re us only interested in her body. When in reality the guy only uses what he was either taught or refuse to learn how to attract her. These are typically the guys who over-compliment or tend to objectify women constantly.

Let’s wrap up all this because I’m getting the feeling you’re a little confused. I may not be getting my point across because well – these are just words and I’m a guy…I need action. 🙂

  • Man’s primitive design gives us the blueprint -> Silence is safe.
  • Man’s primitive design teaches actions and not words.
  • Men are brought up often leaving them more confused about what love really is. And it’s best for him to not communicate his deepest feelings because they may be different from yours.
  • His fear of being seen as less than a man is a major cause of men who refrain from expressing their feelings. You might call this an instinctive urge to protect his “male ego.”
  • A fear of being vulnerable also means, as above, not feeling safe.
  • Lastly – men everywhere have still managed to raise families or have long-term relationships despite clear verbal communication with the opposite sex. For lots of men this often means saying less is better because it has worked and will continue to work.

Take a minute to consider all what I’ve shown you today so the next time your man goes silent or fails to communicate how he feels you’ll have a deeper understanding of all the reasons why.

Now I’m not asking you to just deal with it and I’m definitely NOT suggesting an answer to getting him to open up… merely just a verbal explanation so you can begin to understand him better.

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52 comments… add one
  • Wanda

    Hi Peter: We are in our 50s & LDR. We were childhood friends, me his 1st crush, but never dated him then, just friendship in our teens. We reconnected by fb, a few yrs ago, then connected almost 2 yrs ago in our hometown. I knew from knowing him in our youth, he was always quiet by nature, shy in his teens & still good nature. We’ve had a 35 yr gap to reconnect. He never told me he had a Crush on me back then, until we connected now ( but I knew back then anyway). He’s really reserved, but feel like he has made an effort to be open to me, he told me if was if his feelings laid dormant until we reconnected. At first, he was excited, said Now since I’ve found you I’m not going to let you get away this time. He texts me everyday, 1-2x per day even if it was just Mundane- Have a great day (never missed one day for over a 1.5 yrs. Due to my end here on the East Coast, his on the West, we went a whole year without seeing each other, I did notice the last 6 months of that period, he started getting more vague in his texts, quit saying “Good Morning Beautiful”, seldom texted <3 you, even if I did it first randomly sometimes ( so I quite that). Then he said Distance is one thing, Time is another, noting that he needed to see me, we needed to be with each other & definitely agree with that. So we made a commitment to fly to see each other every 4 months, which started this Feb. '16. He received a call when I flew in that she was not doing well, healthwise. I altered my flight plans, he made his, we both flew back here, he spent 3 days with her, then she passed. I was with him everyday the rest of the 2 weeks he was here. I know he is going through deep emotional hurt & loss, so I understood when he returned & stated it was hitting him, he feels disconnected , feeling all emotions like anger, bitterness, sadness, etc. at once. I also knew this would probably break his world record of Texting, ok with that. He asked me to forgive him in advance if he was quiet, said I understood. So, first texts were like every 3 days, his emotions hadn't changed, then like every 5 days, then a long haul of 2 weeks. He recently left me a PM stating sorry he has been out of touch, focusing on his work, music, light shows, etc…but still not so inspired. Just making himself do it, knows he needs too. All his previous texts always ended with xoxoxo <3 <3 <3. Not an idiot…his mom just died 1.5 months ago, don't expect him to keep that up…but after her death he still did, then eventually dropped the <3s, left it with xoxoxo, now dropped that ( as trivial as that is, I wonder if I am losing him?)…distance between contact most of us all. He said he received my letter, very much appreciated my thoughts on matters, thought of me every day, still grieving….. What am I suppose to do? Give him all the space he needs? Let him know randomly I'm here for him? …still like his Events status on Fb? or just back off like he never existed? We've always had strong eye contact between ourselves, until his mom got sick, then he hardly looked me in the eye, unless it was intimate times, then he did. He's lost & confused, so am I? What does a man need from his woman 3,000 miles away….could sure use a Man's perspective here. Don't know how to reach out any more. Sent him a text that said I hoped he enjoyed playing in Open Mic night (last night) that should be fun! Be that Rock Star!!….hoping to encourage him, get back to the way it was, lighten the load some..No response yet. Lost here.

  • sheilah gitonga

    i have been dating this guy for now four months ..though he leaves in Dubai en am in Kenya last week i noted the guy went down on our text…lying to me we shall Skype en yet we dont..i texted him yesterday he saw my text en ignored it ..i love this man.questions are just in mind what have i done wrong ? nothing i have done he promised many thing and i fell in love with him..am wondering why did he go mute ..the guy confessed he loves me ..does it mean we are not in the same page with him..i promised him my virginity and all the love . am really worried am losing that guy. should i move on long distance its not a joke when there is no attention the past one week ..he never text nor even a little attention. am really tired of men ..pliz help

  • Old coot

    You are correct, but this only scratches the surface. Meanopause, yes no typo, causes women to become irrational beasts itching for fights due to harmones, something we do not want with someone we once fell in love with. After years of picking….hen pecking…we withdraw just because there aren’t the same feelings left and cannot afford to divorce. At close to retirement is not the time to start over. Better to hope for that heart attack and keep eating bacon cheese burgers.

    • Cleo

      Old Coot, it’s men like you who are itching to control women. I’ve been called Psycho, which is fighting words if there are any, by a ex just because I asked where our relationship stood with him after 14 months, then he went silent. And the excuses in this article are just that – excuses. Men are not primitive animals who have no self control. And it’s only guys who think guys who talk to their women are wusses. You care too much about what other men think of you, which makes you a Beta………a loser. Real men don’t give a damn what others think of them. That’s called being grown-up. Men, as a group, are the biggest bunch of spoiled brats that ever walked the earth. Have a wonderful heart attack.

  • Sheila

    mmm i have this weakness, I meet a guy when we chat one day or two, and I really like him I start developing some feelings and even himself he is not in the same page with me. I feel wasted
    now like my case, I have never met a guy who likes me face to face, it is always meet my suitors in social media, instagram, facebook, twitter and I don’t like that. it’s not my desire.
    so it was a surprise meeting this guy, he was very handsome , I was taking lunch in a restaurant and the time I came in, our eye contact met, so as I started taking lunch actually he was done and was almost leaving but , he waited for about two hours till am done and he called me over since I was in a hurry, I gave him my number. when I reached home, he texted at night at ten at night. we had a cool chat and I thought he was in to me. next morning I thought he will text, four days have passed and he never said anything. am wondering what should I do, what wrong with him. I don’t know what to do, and I really liked the way we met.

  • John

    That’s right – we’re staying safe by being quiet. Our desires and feelings are NOT safe with women. The reason women want men to share their feelings is so they can use them as a weapon against him later. Given the way women treat men nowadays, it’s amazing guys even date women anymore (actually they don’t – dating is dying). If you think “but I’m not like that” you have your sisters to blame. And you’d better do something about it if you want the men to come back. We’re not going to fix the problem you created for yourselves. Oh, and we’ve found out we’re happier without you, so you’re going to have to convince us that you have something we want. Good luck.

    • Cleo

      Dating isn’t dying. I date four or five times a week and am having a blast. What’s dying is my desire to marry a man. They are fun but act like children most of the time. So, like I said they are fun, but don’t want them living with e. Maybe dating is dying for you because you don’t know how to communicate and can only grunt. I’m sure there’s a pill for that.

    • Mary


      Agreed John. Women are the enemy of your feelings. I’d suggest you stop dating women completely and go gay.

    • Nee c

      This makes perfect sense john. It is safe to be Silent, but how long can a man be silent ?until a women just like fuck it!! We need to hear something every now and than. Wen man express there feelings it reassures us everything will be fine. I miss my lover communicating with me. He hasn’t in awhile as I know he’s planning something romantic to make up for lost time. Hope he will be back soon🤔i most definitely gave him something to come back for. Just afraid it will be to late he’s taking to long I’m sex I girl guys chat and stare everywhere I go

  • Just Me

    Wow, loving the comments!! Ok, I’m going to put my two cents in. First of all, we all know women can be nags. I’m not one of those. You want to “stay silent” go right ahead, but I will do the same, and eventually give up and move on to a real man that doesn’t mind sharing his feelings (Not like an OPRAH show – but honest feelings.) When you get a woman that is all that you want, you’d better be open, tell her how you feel and lock that down! Otherwise, she is going to think you are a player and move on to a real man that she deserves. Good luck with that heart attack, too!! I’d suggest the bacon, meat, cheese 5″ stack. Be sure and get that good ‘ole DNR tattoo on your forehead so we won’t revive someone that’s already dead in life. (DNR – Do Not Resuscitate) “I want to die alive not from the hands of a broken heart.”

  • Shawn

    A very big problem occurred in my relationship 5 months ago between me and my boyfriend. So terrible he had to break up with me and later moved out of the house. I tried all possible means to get him back, but all to no avail and he made it clear he didn’t want me in his life anymore. Fast forward, months later i saw a post online about getting your love back using spell and i mailed the address {drphilipspelltemple@gmail. com}. His name was Dr Philip and he assured me that i will get my love back in 48hours. What an amazing statement!! I never believed, but was optimistic. On a sunny Tuesday, to my biggest surprise and i mean biggest, my BF called my cell phone saying he’d missed me all this time and wanted us to get back. So Amazing!! And that was how we got back and now we’re engaged.

  • Emily

    Hi pete! I’m really confused about this guy. I’m 21 and he’s 36. Both of us are classmates in a culinary school. Our age gap is obviously what’s keeping him holding back. I like him and he also likes me. we talked many times and we slept together for many times too but believe it or not, we only had sex once and he even called it “love making” i call it f*** and sex but he ssssshhh me and told me that it is love making. My heart can’t take it. I can see that he really cares for me too. Our relationship together was very intimate. And I know that he knows it was a real deal for the both of us. He didn’t had relationship for 5 years and then I suddenly came into his life. I literally rocked his world because even though he doesn’t say anything, I can feel it in his actions that he really cares. But the main problem is our age gap and his silence nowadays. Sometimes I’m asking him questions through message, but he never replies. Sometimes he does but sometimes he doesn’t. So now I just let him show that I don’t care about him anymore. Recently, in our class, whenever we have our lessons. I always catch him staring at me. And I know he keeps on looking at me. But also, he never initiates messaging me first. I strongly know my intuitions about him are right. But he’s just holding back mainly because of our age. Should I continue and assure him that my feelings are true or should I just let him go? I’m literally confused and I need advice. Hoping you’ll reply to my message. Thank you

    • Peter White

      Emily, have you talked to him about the age gap? Has he told you it’s a problem?

      Chances are if it’s an age thing – he might feel smothered. He might feel like you’re too much for him to handle. I know and known lots of guys his age that sure, would love a young girlfriend, but they don’t understand the real difference. They just don’t get how going from 21 to 36 is a big leap in life. One’s looking to settle, the other’s looking to start their life. In other words, they tire quickly and find themselves looking for a woman more their age – once the thrill has worn out. Not saying it’s your case but it’s highly probably… which is why you need to discuss that with him.

      Aside from that there’s a lot going on here which is not easily seen from my angle. What I do see is that you’re chasing him now and that’s not a good thing. Assuring him how you feel won’t change how he feels either. It won’t make him suddenly change especially if that’s not what he wants.

      If he’s not doing anything to move forward with you – then the answer is clear – step back and walk away so you’re not dragged down into a long drawn out courtship that is not happening anyways. Where you’re left chasing him hoping he’ll start acting different towards you.

      Think of how things were in the beginning, when it all started. Who pursued whom. Who chased whom. Who did all the active part of courtship? If things have changed that drastically from that point – then certainly you have every reason to just let him go… aside from talking to him about the age thing.

      Best of luck to you,

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