Why You Don’t Value Your Relationships & Why Breaking Up Is So Hard To Do

Men Women Drinking Meeting

It’s so hard to understand why men and women have such a hard time meeting, (other) women and men who are looking to date each other, commit, marry, have a great relationship that lasts, etc…

Sure you can meet a friend of a friend, or a co-worker, or someone very occasionally passing by while you’re out  BUT what does that usually get you? Practically nothing unless one of you does something to further the interaction.

Which is rare why you’re shopping or running errands because you’re not going to meet many guys who not only have the balls to ask for a girl’s number or info while under that kind of pressure (unless he’s a player who spends all his time picking up chics in a grocery store) but to ask for a date… Yeah, well think about how many people you know that’s happened to,

“Oh this is Jim. My boyfriend soon to be husband. We met at Whole Foods :)”

Not quite the “meet-cute” which is top on the list of romantic stories..

Not good when it’s someone you work with. Can not understand why anyone would want to date someone from work. In my old job I ran from work at the end of the day and wanted nothing to do with anyone or anything from my job after that. Escape the drudgery was always my goal and the only thing on my mind.

If by chance you do hook up with someone from work, think about it, what happens if there’s a breakup – makes that job just that much more un-enjoyable.If it’s a really bad breakup then that just makes going to work even more difficult. Downright painful if you ask me.

So then why is it so hard for me to understand why people struggle to meet the “love of their life”?

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Simple – take a guy or a girl who has had a few bad relationships. Where did they meet? How did they meet? How did they know they wanted to be together? What made them both decide they were right for each… when it all went so bad in the end?

I get it. Things happen. You grow apart. You get in relationships too early. You opt for sexual chemistry first and hope you get along after that dissipates a little.

But did either one of them actually think about some very important details AFTER the relationship fell apart and they got over the re-bound? Probably not.

Again – where did you meet? I met a crazy chic at a bar once or twice. I didn’t get into a relationship with them because it was clear there were a little nutty BUT it didn’t take much thought to say to myself, “Hey – maybe you’re not going to meet the woman of your dreams, the one that matches up to me as perfect as can be… in a bar.”

Most people figure that one out early but what about the rest of the places men and women meet which typically turns into a disaster. Think about your last relationship that didn’t work out, consider where you met – and just maybe that PLACE is not the place to have it happen again.

(Yes, I understand if you’ve had five bad breakups or just breakups and you met in five different places then you’re going to run out of places to meet someone new but bear with me here.)

How did you meet? Who came onto who? Which person started the conversation? Who pursued or chased the other at first… and that did that change after?

How (or did) you qualify the other person? Did you settle because of too many compromises? Did you like certain things about the person and because of that looked past the other obvious signs?

Why did you let it happen? Is it because you don’t feel good enough to do any better? Did you just go with it despite the insecurity or the feelings that something was wrong but you imagined it was just you.. once again… as they say… getting in your own way?

Woman Buying Online Shopping

You see why it’s so hard for me to understand all this because I watch way too many people spend so much time thinking about buying their next car. That new giant screen tv. The latest and greatest phone. They go online. They research it. They look to others for reviews. They spend a little time (at least) figuring out which business should get their money based on the knowledge they gathered, to assure they don’t get a lame product that will only break down right after they buy it.

And sure, with all the research (sometimes) bad things happen but they usually don’t feel like they made a bad decision. Nope. They blame the product and not themselves or chalk it up to just plain old bad luck! They get over it and move on ready to buy something else when the time or money comes along.

Okay – yes – some do, maybe more than other engage in impulse buying. They see it and have to “have it” and since it’s only money, they buy it and hope for the best. That’s perfectly fine because no matter that item is, it’s replaceable. If it breaks or lets you down, it’s just an inanimate object. There’s no real emotional attachment to it.

That impulsive urge to buy something is not that bad however when it comes to certain things in our life, it becomes a real problem.

Those urges when transferred over to anything which when done out of moderation becomes of detrimental factor of destruction. Eat too much junk, you get fat. Do too many drugs, you harm your body. Do too many addictive things and chances are – you will die an early often agonizes death.

Which leads us too thousands of fad diets, AA programs, drug rehabilitation places, even yes sex addict meetings for those who allow their urges to take over their lives in one way or another.

What is hard to understand is that why men and women IMPULSE BUY into relationships all too often and yet those very same people are not impulsive at all… except when it comes to relationships. Maybe some of them are, may some of them are not but based on the vast majority of sad stories of relationships going bad, lots of them could’ve been avoided if certain things were done to avoid entering yet another IMPULSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

  • Where did you meet?
  • How did you meet?
  • Which one did the pursuing or chasing and which one “played” hard to get?
  • Did you qualify the other person in a way which creates attraction AND allows you to see the other person for who they are?
  • Do you have standards? Exact traits you look for in a man or woman which are compatible and healthy for the both of you?
  • Do you often lower your sights because you don’t feel good enough to do better? (The reverse case does it feel others disqualify you because of that very same reason?
  • Are you happy being single?
  • Do you impulse buy into relationships way too early?
  • How many people did you date until that last relationship? Did you feel pressured into it because you just wanted to be with SOMEONE, ANYONE?
  • Are you afraid of being alone? Does it scare you when you think the loneliness will never end unless you commit to you someone quickly? Like your “clock” is ticking and if you don’t find someone soon, you’ll never be with someone?
  • Do you often trust your instincts or intuitions about someone or do you ignore or look past it hoping you got it wrong? Just maybe you’re thinking it’s you and not them?

And those are just some of the important details which make or break relationships most people over look because, perhaps it’s just too easy to IMPULSE buy your way into another one.

We haven’t even touched onto the very important part of knowing how to communicate to someone while in a relationship which strengthens it. Since most are not taught HOW to do it, I’ll assume too many get it wrong and are apt to destroy even a good thing.

It seems that most are opting to take the easy path and often that path is not the right one. I’m not saying everything that is difficult must be good – but everything that is appreciated and valued more is likely achieved through hard work and dedication.

The more time you spend earning money, the more you’re likely to appreciate it and value it no matter how much you actually make.

The longer and more effort it takes to get something, the more likely you will put a high value on that item, no matter what it is.

The more time you spend on yourself… working through all the bullshit, figuring things out, getting a handle on who you are, what you’re looking for, what makes you happy, what drives you and your passions:

The higher value you WILL see in yourself and in turn, the more others will value you more too.

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Listen – hooking up is EASY. Getting in a relationship is EASY. Meeting someone is EASY… for most folks who are at least socially competent and actually get out of their house or apartment once in a while.

But you know what that means?

Yes. You guessed it. Less value or worth is put on probably the most important thing in anyone’s life – their relationships with others matter what that relationship is – be it family, friends, or sexual long-term partners.

One more thing to consider:

Remember the easy stuff, how we don’t value it so much?

Consider ONE breakup you’ve had and if that’s not possible think about another person’s unfortunate divorce or sad story of a couple going their separate ways.

Notice how hard it is for them to actually break up. It’s not simple. It can take years before one finally walks away. It’s like they’re holding on so tight to something which is obviously failing and yet (despite having children together which complicates things but doesn’t make it impossible) they continue to wait it out and hope things get better.

Why do they hold on for so long?

Effort. Value. Time. Emotional crutches. Fear of failure. Etc…

It’s like they work harder to keep something around even when it’s not working because of the very same reason they avoided doing in the first place… the work needed to meet, date, commit, to a person they CAN spend their rest of their lives together.

Getting in a relationship is easy.

Getting out is much tougher.

I think that’s backwards.

It should be harder to get in a relationship with someone because of all the actual work required to build a solid one which will last. That makes you value the end result even more and stops you from IMPULSE BUYING your way to avoid being alone or settling with a partner you’re just okay with being next to.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m not.

I‘m a 47 year old man who spent his life avoiding commitment until I was absolutely positive SHE was the one for me.

Sure I spent my younger years trying a few out. Sure I then spent a few years bitching and whining about not being able to get with a woman I thought was for me. Sure I spent some time sleeping around with those who suited my purpose of getting laid.

However – along the way. I DID the research. I LEARNED what I could. I tried my best to make sure the real long-term relationship I entered in WAS GOING TO BE THE BEST EXPERIENCE Of MY LIFE.

Not because I’m special. I’m not. Not because I’m smarter than you. I’m probably not.

But because I wanted to VALUE the person MORE than the RELATIONSHIP. I wanted to make sure I was anything and everything I could for HER and for MYSELF too.

And I’m no freaking genius here.

But I still say…

Getting in a relationship is easy. Getting out is much tougher.

I think that’s backwards.

It should be tough to get in a relationship and easy to get out because of all the work we do on ourselves and looking and qualifying for the right person for us SHOULD be REAL WORK, but work worth all the effort.

Because then we place such a high value on the finished product, succeeding becomes well, not something to think about – something that just happens because the two people who are together – fit and BELONG together.

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