Before You Sleep With Him, Read This!
I‘m going to pack this letter with a lot of important insights and tips that are going to completely change the way you relate to men when it comes to sex, so make sure you read all the way to the end…
Ok, here we go…
What is a man thinking when it seems like he’s “into you” at first, but soon after you get intimate with him, he “cools off” and starts acting distant?
I received an email from a reader who went through this exact situation. I think you’ll feel her pain and see why I wanted to respond to her:
Question: Hi Christian,
I’ve just bought your eBook and read the lesson about Thinking in Time Frames where you taught how to let a man wait for sex… but I’ve already made that mistake and slept with him.
I want a more serious relationship and I told him afterwards, but as you wrote, he became impatient when we talked, and it made me so frustrated and upset.
Now he’s acting distant.
So, what should I do to rewire our relationship and make him see my worth? I feel so disappointed about my actions. Christian, please help me.
Answer: I want to give Justine a big hug… but then a hard dose of REALITY.
Here’s something you never ever want to forget. It’s the real truth about how most men think when it comes to getting physical and dating in casual and uncommitted relationships…
Just because a man has sex with a woman, it doesn’t mean that he’s spent even a second of his time deciding whether or not he wants to be with her or have a relationship in the future.
In other words… a man’s not going to ever “see your worth” just because you’ve slept with him. And more to the point, it is NOT the physical attraction a man feels for a woman, and getting close to her physically, that makes a man really “feel it” for you and want more.
Truth: For A Man, Physical Intimacy Does Not Equal Relationship.
You need to think that sleeping together and having a relationship are two completely different things that have nothing to do with one another. What makes a man “see your worth” and end up feeling so strongly for you that he wants a real relationship is something other than PHYSICAL desire and ATTRACTION.
Here’s the thing…
I don’t know if you see this, but you’ve moved on to wanting “something serious” right after you and he slept together, thinking that sex of course means there should be a relationship and he should feel the same way about you.
As I’ve said before, and it bears repeating, the decision to sleep with a woman often has NOTHING to do with whether a man has decided that he wants to “date” you more seriously.
Being Clear About What It Means… Before it Happens.
Let me ask you…
Were you upfront and honest about what you were looking for before you slept with him? Did you say to him,
“If we sleep together, I’m going to want a relationship.” Or… “I only sleep with a man if he already values me and sees me for the amazing woman that I am.”
My guess is that you probably did what lots of women do in the “casual dating” situation when it comes to becoming intimate with a man:
You weren’t clear on whether you were in it for the fun and connection of it all with him or for something more “serious.”
You thought the act of sex alone would speak for itself.
Common Mistakes Women Make When It Comes To Sex.
Here are a few of the mistakes women make that get them into tough situations like yours:
Not saying anything about what it means for you to share yourself with him because you keep telling yourself that he feels the same way you do… and you assume he wants a relationship because he wants to sleep with you.
Not saying anything about your feelings or about wanting a relationship because you thought it might “weird him out” or make it awkward.
Not knowing exactly how you feel and what sleeping with him will mean to you until AFTER you sleep with him and a whole rush of feelings hits you like a tidal wave.
If you’ve ever felt hurt because you became physical with a man and he ended up not having an interest in dating or starting a relationship, then odds are you can look back and see that one or more of the above scenarios was at play.
Of course, it doesn’t seem like it’s you who is making a mistake in these situations. It feels like THE MAN you’re with is the one who obviously doesn’t get it, and is a player for not being ready for a relationship.
Unfortunately, this is the exact kind of thinking that makes it so frustrating and difficult for some women to figure out how to move from just dating a guy to becoming physical and starting an exclusive, committed relationship… but rest assured, you’re in good company.
If you’re like lots of women, you’ve been “caught up” in that moment and ended up sleeping with a man you weren’t in a relationship with, thinking that you’re ok with it… and that it will be a good thing.
But then your true feelings snuck up on you and you started to freak out and feel awful when you saw that the man you shared yourself with wasn’t on the same page (wanting a relationship).
You created EXPECTATIONS from the situation that he had no part in deciding about or even discussing, and now he’s freaked because you’re confronting him with what YOU feel and what he SHOULD want, when he hasn’t even figured that out for himself yet (which leaves him wondering how he’s going to back peddle out of this one).
An Important Question For You…
Who made this guy the final judge of your “worth” as a woman?
So cut it out!
He’s obviously not the one who holds the true measure of your worth… and he can neither give you your worth, nor can he take it away. But I’ll let you in on a little secret. I bet I know WHY you slept with him even though in reality you weren’t really comfortable with doing so…
You did it because you were seeking his LOVE and APPROVAL.
You’re waiting and wanting him to be the strong, masculine man who will lead you into open and unrestrained love. That way you can surrender to the deep kind of love that you truly desire from a man.
Unfortunately, that’s not what’s happening or how he FEELS with you right now. But deep down, you believe that if you can come up with enough “proof” that he should love and value you, and if you can make things “perfect” between you two, then he’ll become the open and loving man you imagine him to be.
That’s not how love, or relationships work.
Taking Back Your Sense Of Worth… Starting NOW.
It’s time for the little girl who’s seeking a man’s approval in order to experience love to grow up. It’s time for you to stop hoping that a man will become the man you want him to be, when he is CLEARLY showing you that he doesn’t even have a clue about what love is or how be with a woman.
You must stop banking on what you think this relationship COULD BE, and what I call his “future potential” and start opening your eyes to WHAT IS.
You’re so wrapped up in his perspective, what he’s doing, his feelings, his emotions and his desires (or lack thereof) that you’ve all but forgotten about something WAY MORE IMPORTANT: What YOU really want.
Love, Getting Physical, And The Mind Of A “Masculine Man”.
Now I’m going to give you a short lesson on why men act the way they do when it comes to sex.
Each person has a certain balance of masculine and feminine “energy.”
Obviously, men have more masculine and women have more feminine, but every person can have a little of both.
The feminine energy grows with connection and love, and with “surrender” to all kinds of joyful experiences.
This is often why women feel a sense of connection and surrendering when they make love, and often have deeper feelings for a man afterwards.
But the masculine energy doesn’t work this way.
The masculine energy seeks CHALLENGE and a feeling of “emptiness” and “freedom.” This freedom or emptiness is actually the masculine means of surrender and fulfillment. Just as the feminine means is connection and loving.
What The Masculine Energy Needs.
Ever noticed that lots of men fall right to sleep or act like they’re off somewhere else after sex?
It’s because the tension of reaching their “challenge” (sex) is released, and now they feel a sense of emptiness and freedom from that tension.
A man doesn’t automatically “surrender” to love and connection the way a woman does in an intimate physical relationship… unless he LEARNS to.
Here’s another way of looking at it… Have you noticed that most men don’t have the same strong drive to be deeply and un-waveringly CONNECTED to the people around them like most women do?
They don’t call their friends and talk on the phone on a regular basis, and they don’t worry about how “close” their relationships to their friends and family are at any given moment.
Oftentimes, they’re driven by something that has nothing to do with love, intimacy and connection.
But men can become more emotionally-conscious and aware of what’s going on around them in love and relationships. And if they have a woman who “gets it”, something amazing can happen…
If a man has those intense strong feelings that make him feel physically and EMOTIONALLY CONNECTED to a woman, then she can lead and challenge him in ways that will make him grow into a great lover and partner.
For instance, a woman can help a man understand how to finally find the “freedom” he looks for in a new way – through LOVE and connected experience.
What You Need To Create In Him BEFORE You Sleep Together.
Here’s the thing…
Yes, you might have “goofed” by being physical with him too early – you know, before you were clear about what YOU wanted, so that you wouldn’t get hurt if you found out he didn’t want the same thing.
But stop being so hard on yourself. It’s the past, and it’s not the problem now. The real problem now is something entirely different. Sleeping or being physical with a man is NOT a bad thing.
First you’ve got to create the right feelings inside him – feelings that have nothing to do with “getting physical” – so when you do sleep with him, you can truly bring him closer in love. A man won’t fall for you just because you’ve slept together. Although, it’s likely that YOU will feel more bonded to him after sleeping with him.
It’s part of the biological make-up of a woman and a man. It’s the way things are “wired.” So you want to know how to “re-wire” things?
First of all, stop hoping that the fact that you’ve slept together will magically win him over into being an open and loving partner like you are.
What you need to know is there. In it, I reveal another kind of attraction that goes deeper than just the everyday physical attraction a man can feel for you: EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION.
When a man feels attraction for you in this way, then he will become EMOTIONALLY CONNECTED to you on a deeper level than he ever could simply through his physical desire for you.
You know a man has intense physical desires. That’s easy. But have you taken the time to learn how the deeper, more “relationship-oriented” feelings and emotions are created inside him?
The feelings that make a man want to be with one woman in a committed relationship are different than what makes a woman open to exploring a relationship.
How To Make Him Want You And Only You.
You can learn to understand how a man thinks and why he does and says the things he does. I can help with that… In my dating and relationship advice newsletters, I reveal secrets and insights that will make these things “second nature” to you. I also reveal little-known secrets such as:
- How to spot and identify an immature man QUICKLY so you never again waste your time on someone who doesn’t deserve you.
- The 5 things about a woman that a man is genetically programmed to be attracted to… and how to quickly let a man know you possess ALL these qualities.
- The mysterious “missing ingredient” that makes a man interested in MUCH MORE than just a short fling or affair.
And tons more…
I don’t ever want you to feel insecure and uncertain when you sleep with a man… so get my newsletters, ask me your questions and until then, the best of luck in life and love.
About Christian Carter: Since 2005, Christian Carter has helped over 3 million women become more successful with men, dating and relationships. He helps women understand the male perspective on attraction, dating and commitment, and why men behave the way they do in relationships. Readers see Christian as that no-nonsense guy friend who will give them the inside scoop on what a man wants and what he’s really thinking.
- Image found at Pexels by Charles Roth.
- More articles by Christian Carter – What Every Man Wants From A Woman And Why.
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